Page 70 of Devil's Vengeance

It wasn’t like I couldn’t imagine a relationship with Mariah. She was gorgeous, smart, funny. Tough as nails when she needed to be, but soft and good-natured all the rest of the time. Any man would be lucky to have her. It just couldn’t be me. My crew was my life. Always would be. You left the Devil’s Disciples when you were too old to ride or in a body bag. There was no other way out. And I wouldn’t want one. I joined for stupid reasons, getting good backup to scare Trick away from doing anything stupid. But my crew became my family. My life belonged to my crew. I couldn’t bring Mariah into that.

But I couldn’t risk her life either.

While I was still struggling to figure out what to say, she stepped between my spread knees, her soft hands pulling my face up to look at her. She didn’t look pissed at my suggestion, which honestly surprised me. Just resigned.

“You know, I’ve read about claiming. It’s like marriage for bikers, right? Are you telling me you’d want to basically marry me just to keep me safe? That doesn’t come off as insane to you?”

“Nothing sounds insane when it comes to your safety.”

The corners of her mouth kicked up and her eyes softened. “Gentleman.”

“You keep saying that, but you don’t want me to claim you. Make it make sense, Mariah.” I was pushing, which I told myself I wouldn’t do, but I couldn’t help it. I needed to keep her safe. Croy wouldn’t wait forever to put his stupid plan into motion, whether she wanted it or not. I needed her claimed, so they’d protect her first.

Her thumbs stroked my cheeks, soothing me, even while she shook her head. “If it were something real, I’d consider it. But it's not. You wouldn’t ask if you thought I’d get through it all safely on my own. I don’t even know if you really want me or if we’ve just been fooling around because it's convenient. I’m not signing up for that kind of commitment with someone who doesn’t want to be with me.”

That felt a little like a punch to the gut. I wanted her. I’d wanted her since day one. It was easy to pretend otherwise when I thought I’d never see her again. I ignored it when she showed back up again, hoping she’d get the picture and stay away. And I was ignoring it now because she deserved better than me. She deserved better than a life with a criminal.

“I want you,” I admitted quietly. “So much it makes me feel stupid sometimes. But I want you safe more than I want you beside me. I don’t want to drag someone so perfect into my world. I’d ruin you.”

Pressing her lips together, she raised her eyebrows at me. “You mean more than I already am? I’m in this, Chase. Unless you tell me the old ladies experience more than being targeted by your rivals, threatened with assault, and stalked on a regular basis.”

I huffed out a laugh, wrapping my arms around her legs. “You’d besurprised. The old ladies are tough as hell. They’ve been through a lot.” I sobered, hugging her a little tighter. “I don’t want that for you. I want you to be safe and happy somewhere you won’t be targeted or threatened or anything else fucked up that comes with being connected with my crew.”

“And if I feel safe and happy with you?”

No matter how hard I tried to shove the feeling down, the hope that one question gave me kept expanding in my chest like a balloon. I couldn’t keep lying to myself. I wanted her. I was just too afraid to keep her.

CHAPTER 42

MARIAH

I could see how hard he was struggling to keep himself in check. His one goal was to keep me safe. He’d give up on any chance at happiness for himself just to protect me, and any other woman he got attached to, safe from the reality of life with his crew. But he was ignoring the fact that I was already dropped into the deep end. Especially if I went through with the plan they had. His denying what he wanted wasn’t helping either of us.

When he said he wanted to claim me, for a second it made me really happy. That he wanted me so much that he’d claim me, knowing how his crew probably felt about me. But it wasn’t real. He wasn’t doing it because he wanted me. He was doing it out of an obligation to protect me. I wasn’t interested in that. I wanted something real.

We weren’t going to get anywhere with the conversation tonight. Not with both of us on opposite sides of the argument. For now, we needed sleep. I pulled his hands and tipped my head toward the bed.

“Come on. Let’s get some sleep. We’ll discuss it more later.”

With a heavy sigh, he nodded, shrugging out of his cut and setting it aside on my dresser. It was the only item of clothing he was careful with. The rest he ditched haphazardly until he was in his boxers. I smiled at the domesticity of the situation, even if I knew it wasn’t real. I’d already gotten comfortable in an old t-shirt and shorts while me and Angelica talked about nothing. I slid under the covers, turning on my side to look at him after heswitched off the bedside lamp. He got comfortable on his back, one arm tucked under his head, the other hand resting on his belly. He stared at the ceiling, not even bothering to try to get some sleep.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

He turned, his face cast in shadows from the limited lighting coming through my bedroom window. “Talk about what?”

“Whatever is bothering you so much, you can’t even try to get some sleep?”

His brow furrowed, and he turned to face the ceiling again. I thought maybe he’d ignore the question. It wouldn’t surprise me if he did. But right when I closed my eyes to get some rest, he spoke, his voice quiet in the dark.

“I failed once. Protecting someone. I vowed to never let it happen again. I want to do whatever I have to in order to keep you safe.”

Resting my hands under my cheek, I considered his words. “You didn’t fail Hannah. You weren’t there. She chose Trick. She went with him. There was no way you could’ve known–”

“She called me.”

I paused, reeling. He hadn’t mentioned that before. “What?”

“That night. She called before the shooting happened. She said she was uncomfortable. I told her to get Trick to take her home.” His voice went tight, and I felt his body tense. “I was still pissed at her. She broke up with me and started dating him less than a week later. My feelings were hurt, and I lashed out. I didn’t take her seriously until the second time she called. I could hear people yelling in the background. She told me she was scared. I think she was hiding, but I told her to get out of there and I’d come get her. If she’d have stayed hidden, she might’ve lived. But I stupidly told her to get outside. To get away.”

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