Page 87 of Until Then

“Well, she lived in Virginia, but she came out a couple times. The last time I saw her, I was thirteen. Before she flew home, she told me my dad made a poor choice by not wanting to be in my life, and she was disappointed in her son. It was the first time someone who should’ve been on his side stood on mine. It changed things. I started looking at him as a disappointment more, instead of myself. Grandma died before Christmas that year. Shane kept paying, but his attempts at visits were much less.”

“What would you even do when he’d visit? I bet conversation was awkward.”

Hayley scoffed with bitterness. “I don’t know if I’d call them visits. Basically they consisted of Shane taking me to fun centers or movies so he could sit on his phone in the corner, or he’d send an assistant to take me.”

I use more than one vulgar word to describe the man. “He thought I was with you to get to him.”

“Because I’m so unappealing, what would a sexy man like you want with me, right?” I can feel her eye roll against my chest.

I grin. “You think I’m sexy?”

Hayley pinches my side. “You know you’re practically edible.” After a moment she looks up at me. “Will you tell mewhat he said that made you so angry? I heard what you shouted at him. I know it was about me.”

“I don’t want to tell you,” I say in a rough whisper. The last thing I want to do is hurt her with more dismissive remarks from a man who should’ve loved her.

She kisses me sweetly. “It’s all right, Noah. He doesn’t have power over me anymore.”

I leave out the three ways Shane implied Hayley was a mistake, but I tell her the rest. “When he insinuated you were just a warm body to me, I don’t know, I snapped.” I sit up and rest my forearms on the tops of my knees. “I’d already been battling the . . . fog, you know? It sent me over the edge when anxiety hit that backlash might fall back on you.”

Hayley sits next to me, a hand running along my shoulder. “Can you tell me about the depression?”

“Um, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder when I was nineteen. Back then, I was getting more auditions, more roles. Life was good, but I could barely find the motivation to get out of bed. Rees was the one who forced me to go talk to a doctor when I couldn’t shake it. I didn’t want anyone else to know.”

I weave our fingers together and rub my thumb over her knuckles for a few breaths. “Once I started some counseling it got easier. I got into meditation, a lot of specific exercises, and eventually, I landed the role of Kage. Everything seemed to be going right. Until, like before, I started getting lethargic; I lost interest in most things. The pressure and fame that came from the show didn’t help. The more people held me under the microscope of public opinion, the more I retreated to old, dark thoughts.”

“Did something happen?” she asks gently. “Rees seemed worried about you being alone.”

I swallow and dip my chin. “Yeah. He’s the only one who knows. Well, I’m sure he’s told Vi, but I’ve never told anyoneelse. After the second season wrapped, I felt like I was drowning. It’s hard to explain, but sometimes I get so trapped up here”—I tap the side of my head— “It feels like I can’t move, can’t escape. Like I’m suffocating.”

Hayley traces the tops of my knuckles. “The mind is so powerful.”

“Yeah.” I blow out a long breath. “I felt weak, ungrateful, and pathetic. Look at me, riding the train to fame and fortune, and I couldn’t leave my stupid apartment. I wanted to escape the . . . agony no one could even see.”

“What happened?” She tightens her hold on my hand.

“I popped pills,” I admit. “Too many. I planned to go to a wrap party with the intention of drinking too much. I wanted to have a bad mix, you know? Something that wouldn’t be obvious what I was doing, but it was wholly intentional.”

Hayley sniffles and leans her head on my shoulder, but she doesn’t speak.

“Call it twin instincts, but Rees surprised me that weekend. He wasn’t in the band yet, and kept working jobs trying to catch his break. He told me he needed to crash with his rich brother. Honestly, if he hadn’t shoved his way into my apartment, he wouldn’t have seen the empty pill bottle.” I pause and clear the scratch from my throat. “He basically forced me to the ER to pump my stomach.”

The truth is, Rees always saved me. From childhood to now, he was the quieter twin who’d give it all to keep me afloat.

I owed that broody asthmatic everything.

“After that, I promised I’d go back to counseling, get some medication on board, and I did. This is another reason I’ve been thinking so much about the future, and a slower lifestyle. Part of me still wants it all like I did in high school, but I’m starting to want different things that bring more fulfillment for me.”

“You deserve to be happy, Noah. You know I don’t care if you’re this huge A-lister who does two movies a year, right?”

“Good,” I say, chuckling. “Because I’m not sure I’ve got it in me anymore.” I look up at the stars for a breath. “The last few weeks, I’ve been trying to wean off my higher dose, and it was okay. The hardest days were when you left, then this whole thing with Shane . . . I didn’t cope well.”

Hayley chokes on a sob. She turns my face to meet her gaze. Tears line her lashes. “You didn’t plan to do anything again, right? Because I need you to stay with me, Noah. You’re not a want, you’re a need. Got it?”

I cup one side of her face. “I won’t lie to you and say the thought didn’t come, but it’s more like an automatic response for my thoughts to try to go to rock bottom. I’ve worked hard to recognize it. Even if all I can do is just sleep to get away from it. Bottom line is, no I didn’t have any intention to hurt myself. Not only because I promised my mother hen of a brother I’d never do anything again, but I realized something.”

“What?”

I tilt my mouth, so our lips are aligned. “I want to live, Hayley. I want to live for you, for me, for us. Thoughts of you kept me above water last night. Every day, I wake up with you on my mind. I wake up not dreading a new day.

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