Page 38 of Where You Are

“I see that!” Matt says, putting on a smile for her as he crouches down and gestures to the Trolls jammies she’s already wearing. “Look at that, you’re all ready!” he observes. Her hair is damp from a bath and has been put in a neat braid. It amazes me that despite how desperate and distraught Kasey feels, she put it aside to take such good care of her daughter before bringing her over so that she could take care of herself and return to jump back in again. This is an amazing mother who should get to keep her child at all costs.

I give Kasey a warm smile and a wave, not saying a word or letting on that I know anything. This is her business. She’s nervous, but smiles back, trying to make hers just as friendly.

“Hey,” Matt says, with a quiet enthusiasm in his voice before he waves his arm towards me. “Look who’s here!” he says to Luna, and she looks my way and gasps.

“Hi Melanie!” she says cheerfully, bouncing again.

“Hi Luna,” I say, acting just as excited to see her and not letting on that anything is wrong. I take a few steps closer. “Guess what? I brought you something!”

Luna’s mouth drops open and her adorable brown eyes light up.

Kasey squats down to Luna’s height and pulls her in for a hug. “Say buh-bye to me, sweetie,” she says, wrapping her arms around her little girl and closing her eyes like she’s savoring the moment and locking it away in her mind to get her through the next few days. Kasey pulls away just enough to look in Luna’s eyes. “I love you very much!”

“Love you too, Mom,” Luna answers with a smile.

“Okay, go with Melanie and see what she’s got for you. I’m going to talk to Uncle Matt for a minute and then get going. I’ll see you on Tuesday, okay?”

Luna nods and runs to my side.

“It’s in your room, Monkey. Come on,” I say, leading her to her room, giving Kasey another reassuring smile over my shoulder, hoping it sends her good vibes and strength.

MATT

“I feel like such a failure, Matt,” Kasey says hopelessly, as she shakes her head at herself.

“You’re not a failure, Kase. You’re sick,” I tell her, trying to show her this isn’t her fault. “What happened, anyway?”

“I don’t know! I was having a shitty week at work. Luna was at a friend’s house so I stopped at Harrison’s on the way home.” She’s talking about a big book and music store that has a café built in. It’s a popular place for people to wind down. “I thought maybe having a tea latte while I looked at some books and shopped a little would help.”

Kasey still works, even though I can take care of her. As mentioned before, you never know when the fame and the money will run out and she doesn’t want my generosity to make her soft. Plus she’s proud and wants to provide for herself, pretty much only letting me pay for the childcare she needs when I’m on tour.

“My boss keeps giving me these huge projects with short deadlines and waits until I’m seventy-five percent through to change his mind about what he wants. He did that three times this week! And then I had a flat tire Wednesday, making me late getting Luna from school, and I don’t have time to say all the rest because I have to go, but it was a stressful week so I was blowing off steam at Harrison’s and this guy started talking to me.” Her voice is shaky and her eyes are brimming with tears so I put a hand on her shoulder, trying to center her.

“He was really nice, and we talked for a long time; about everything. I really liked him. I told him what a hard time I was having and seemed so compassionate. He ended up reaching in his pocket and pulling out a couple of pills. He said it was something that always made him feel better, and he felt bad for me and wanted to share it with me.”

Fuck. Sometimes, that’s all it takes. I didn’t fall victim to the addiction gene, but I’ve heard enough from helping Kasey that sometimes the right person knows how to push the right buttons.

“He said it was okay to have hard times, and it was okay to have a little help to get me through it once in a while. He went on about how I was only human and I didn’t have to be perfect all the time; that I could allow myself something just once to help me through it so I could reset. So I… I took them from him. I picked up Luna, fed her dinner, read stories, the whole time thinking about the baggy with the pills in my purse. They were like the goddamn tell-tale heart!”

I close my eyes and let out a breath, grabbing onto her other shoulder. I have to let her know I’ve got her, I’ve got Luna, and she’s going to get through this and won’t have to do it alone.

“When Luna was asleep, I took the pills out of my purse and went to my room. I sat on my bed staring at the bag for so long when I should’ve just flushed them. I kept thinking about what the guy said to me, and finally decided maybe he was right. That just once, I could get away with feeling good for a little while, and fall asleep. So I took them, and half an hour later it hit me like a ton of bricks.”

“Because it had been so long, I bet it did,” I try to sympathize with her.

“It was so confusing, it felt so good yet it freaked me out. Like it felttoogood and I knew I’d made a mistake.”

My heart goes out to Kasey and her struggles right now. Addiction is hard to control on your best days, let alone when you’re going through a valley. Then some asshole comes along and charms her into thinking it’s okay to dip her toe in, and she winds up falling into the deep end.

“Kasey, I think that’s a good sign. Sure it felt good, but you weren’t enjoying yourself. Do you feel like you’re craving more?”

She shakes her head and I’m overcome with relief and pride.

“Matt, I’m so scared…”

I grab her in a bear hug before she can say another word.

“Kase, it’s going to be okay,” I assure her. “You’ve been incredibly strong these last five years. One mistake does not take away from that, you hear me?”

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