Page 40 of Twink Heart

?I couldn’t help myself from asking. “About what?”

?“I like the vet clinic, but if I didn’t have to make money, I think I’d start a small farm or something.”

?“A farm?”

?“Yeah. Wouldn’t it be nice to wake up every day, feed the chickens, collect eggs, and grow veggies? I could have my own little orchard full of fruit trees and there would be a stand out by the road where I could sell the extras or just give them away I guess. Just my own small haven in the middle of nowhere for me and my man.”

?“I didn’t think you’d be into that sort of thing.”

?James shrugged, holding me tighter. “It just feels like the sort of thing I’d love to do with my life. And, if I try it for a while and decide it’s not quite what I want, then I can go find a new dream. That’s the beauty of life.”

?“Sounds like you’ve got it all figured out,” I sighed, shifting myself into a more comfortable position. “I hope you find the guy that wants to do that with you.”

?I felt him flinch at my words, but he covered it up quickly with a stretch before he pulled himself away.

?“Yeah. Someday. But for now, I’ll work at the clinic until I get money saved up for such a place. And even if I have to start the farm alone, I’d do it, anyway. I love animals and nature too much not to have at least something.”

?“I hope that works out for you.”

?James looked up at me, his blue eyes sparkling. “I hope you find something that makes you happy too. I know things have been tough for you.” He paused, placing a hand on my shoulder. “Just don’t let your anger get in the way of finding your happiness, okay?”

?I wasn’t sure if it felt good or violating that he could read me so easily.

?“Right,” I muttered, tearing my gaze away from him.

?James went back to his side of the SUV and got comfortable once more. A few minutes passed by and a part of me wanted to stay out there, but the mood had shifted. What had once been a happy and warm private moment had turned as cold and damp as the weather outside. I let out a sigh, knowing I couldn’t handle it much longer.

?“Well, I have to go back to work tomorrow,” I said at last. “And your foot is getting a lot better.”

?James nodded, his smile fading. “You can take me home whenever you want. In fact, why don’t you take me over to the dunes and I’ll pick up my car. I can just drive with my left foot.”

?Sadness filled my chest as I realized what I’d done. “Are you sure?”

?“Yeah,” he sighed. “You’ve already done too much for me as it is. I need to let you get back to your own life.”

?I hated myself for taking his smile away. I watched him crawl back into the passenger seat and slip his seatbelt on. I wanted him to stay, more than anything. But, I knew he had to go. I had a job waiting for me and a life I needed to rebuild. Adam wasn’t going to let me live in his cabin forever and I didn’t plan to. Come tomorrow morning, I needed to start looking for an apartment of my own and it was probably best if I didn’t stay in Ludington.

?My time with James had been nice, but it was only temporary. I didn’t want a relationship from anyone. My heart just couldn’t take it.

?So, sliding out of the back of the SUV, I let the cold rain soak through my clothing as I shut the tailgate and headed back to the driver’s seat. It was time to take James home.

?And it was time for me to be alone once more.

Chapter Twenty: Rowan

I’d taken James to the state park to retrieve his car. By some miracle, there wasn’t a ticket on the windshield, although it looked like there was some kind of note under the wiper blade. Before we parted, I thought he might touch me, hug me, or even give me another one of his kisses that I craved so much. But there was nothing. Instead, he simply waved, got in his vehicle, and drove away, the note flying off the windshield before get caught up by the breeze.

?I felt lost after that moment. I made my way back to town, wondering what I should have for dinner. But after driving around aimlessly for nearly an hour, I decided I wasn’t hungry and just went back to the cabin. The rain had gotten heavier, and the sky darkened, bringing a sense of twilight to the world long before the sun even set.

?That was nothing compared to the moment I walked into the cabin and realized James wasn’t there. I put my keys on the counter, kicked off my shoes, fell face first onto the couch, and felt the tears well up in my eyes. I cursed myself over and over again for feeling the way I did. If I hadn’t been so fucking stupid and let myself develop this little crush, things wouldn’t be so hard.

?I stayed that way for nearly an hour. After that I did nothing but doom scroll on my phone, watching videos go by of people much happier than I was. Meanwhile, my mind wandered. I thought about how angry I was with Mia, how angry I was with myself, and how much I missed James already. My resolve to keep him at a distance was slowly eroding as the aching in my heart ate away at me. But as much as I wanted to, I wouldn’t allow myself to text him.

?Finally, when I could no longer stand it, I left my phone on the coffee table and went to bed early, removing the temptation.

?I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had such a sleepless night. By the time I got up for work the next morning and logged into my work laptop, I looked like a raccoon that had been hit by a car. Out of the entire twelve hours I’d spent lying in bed, I slept for maybe thirty minutes. The rest of that time I spent beating myself up for being stupid, for feeling things, and for letting myself hope.

?Somehow I made it through the morning rush to lunch. I wasn’t sure how considering I didn’t have the report done that my boss wanted and I couldn’t find the motivation to care about a damn thing he wanted. More than once I had to bite my tongue when he said something stupid to me. I was starting to get really fucking tired of his ineptitude around basic computer tasks. He ran a multi-million dollar company, he should know how to use Microsoft Office.

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