Page 39 of Twink Heart

?“What’s that?”

?“A cute boy that needs to be kissed and told that despite his past mistakes, he’s still worthy of being loved, no matter what kind of person he chooses to find that in.”

?Rowan looked like he wanted to respond, but his lip quivered and he just leaned forward, resting his head against my chest. I pulled him in tight, unable to stop smiling as he snuggled in. Sometimes I worried I pushed him too far, but as his arms wrapped around my waist, I realized that maybe this was exactly what he needed.

?And just as we found comfort in our mutual silence, the rain began to fall.

Chapter Nineteen: Rowan

The panic was starting to settle in as a bolt of lightning streaked across the sky, the following thunder shaking the rain loose from the clouds. Heavy raindrops struck the top of the SUV so hard that the noise was nearly deafening. However my panic had nothing to do with the storm and everything to do with James.

?What I’d interpreted as fantasies to begin with had started to bloom into something else. Sure, I’d noticed my odd need to apologize to him after our fight the day before. But that was just good manners, right? Feeling a need to take care of him and make him smile was just part of being a good host. Everything else was just sex and nothing more.

?But now there were other things happening. And those things scared the shit out of me. It was one thing to want to fuck him, it was quite the opposite to feel like I wanted to take him out on a date.

?What was wrong with me? I was still torn up about Mia, wasn’t I? I needed at least what? Three to nine months to process the loss of my long-term girlfriend? The one I thought I was going to marry someday and start a family with. The one I’d sacrificed all my freedom for so I could buy her the house she’d always wanted. I’d lost all of that a week ago. And here I was sitting next to a man that I was quickly developing feelings for.

?It was just rebound feelings, right? It had to be. There was no way anybody could possibly start to care about another person so quickly. This wasn’t some stupid Hallmark movie or a fairy tale. This was real life and that meant I couldn’t just jump into another relationship so quickly.

?Then there was the part about him being a man. Sure, in the past couple of days I’d been slowly coming to terms with my sexual attraction to him. But part of me was still holding out hope that it was just him and not every man that I found attractive. Of course, there was that guy in college, but that was so long ago that it didn’t count. Right? Right?!

?That aside, romantic feelings were just plain too much and too far. I couldn’t care about James in that way. Someday I had to go back to my old life. While that didn’t include Mia or our apartment, it did mean I had to be around my friends and colleagues again. Adam knew and I could deal with that. But the thought of having to come out to everyone left me with a bad taste in my mouth. Sure, things were a lot more tolerant than they used to be, but that didn’t mean people wouldn’t treat me differently. I might not get a promotion or some people might stop talking to me all together.

?Besides, James loved living in Ludington. He wasn’t going to leave for some heartbroken sad sack like me. He deserved better than that. And it would never last anyway. If there was one thing about relationships I was certain of, it was that they all came to an end, eventually. Things might feel wonderful and new right now. But eventually he’d cheat on me just like Mia did. It was a sad conclusion to come to, but one I felt certain of.

?Relationships always ended in heartbreak.

?Something touched my thigh, and I nearly jumped out of my skin.

?“Sorry,” James laughed, giving my leg a squeeze. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

?I shook my head, trying to dispel my depressing spiral. “It’s okay.”

?“Isn’t the rain beautiful?” he asked, pulling himself over to my side of the car and laying his head in my lap. “I love the way it sweeps in over the lake. There’s just something so calming about the entire thing.”

?“It’s like white noise,” I replied matter-of-factly. “Like the kind you play to fall asleep.”

?“Yeah. But it smells way better.” He wrapped his arm around my waist, snuggling in close. “And the company is a lot better.”

?The butterflies in my stomach always went wild when he said stuff like that. It was disconcerting how quickly he could get me all riled up both emotionally and physically. He had too much power over me.

?“It’s pretty,” I said at last, choosing not to comment on the rest of his statement.

?We were quiet for a few minutes, both of us just staring out over the lake at the rain fell and the waves crashed. The wind that had swelled up at the beginning of the storm had now died down. The rain fell straight down, filling the air with the smell of petrichor and earth. It would’ve been really nice if my head wasn’t still spinning.

?“What do you dream of doing with your life?” James asked out of the blue.

?“What?”

?“If money were no object and you could spend your life doing whatever you wanted, what would it be?”

?I furrowed my brows. “I… I don’t know. I never really thought about it.”

?“You don’t dream about your life?”

?“Why would I?” I shrugged. “I have to work at this job to make a living and when I retire someday, if I’m that lucky, I’ll be too old and decrepit to do anything but sit around and watch television. So there’s no point in dreaming about something that will never happen.”

?James nodded, but didn’t comment. Instead he added, “I dream all the time.”

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