Page 69 of Quiet Longing

For that act alone, I could never hate her.

In the end, Mom extended her visit by a week so we could fly home together. I’d made peace with everything, but a new anxiety began to form. I didn’t want to leave Rhys. I’d become attached to him in a way I’d never expected. I adored him, and I couldn’t stand the thought of going off to college and never seeing him again.

Which was why I foolishly decided to try and convince him to abandon his plans to go to France and instead come to America with me. I just didn’t understand why he was so married to his idea of becoming a soldier. He simply couldn’t see another path for himself.

And it was the cause of our first big fight.

18.

Rhys

As the days passed and Charli’s departure drew closer, tension brewed between us. She’d been spending time with Nuala, her mother, and her aunts most days, and then we’d hole up together in her room or the den at night. It felt like we were both avoiding the reality of our situation. Our kisses had become more urgent, a desperate edge to the sex like we were trying to grasp for the final pieces of each other before it ended.

We’d just finished watching a movie in her room when Charli sat up in the bed and turned to face me. “Don’t go to France. Come to America instead,” she blurted, and I stared at her for several long beats. She wanted me to come to America with her? Surprise filled me, but it was quickly followed by regret because, even though a part of me wanted nothing more than to be with her, I knew it wasn’t possible.

“Charli,” I breathed, a brick sinking in my stomach. “I can’t do that.”

She slid closer, grabbing my hands in hers like I might slip away if she didn’t keep hold of me. “Why? You said you need to get away from Ireland, so why not just change the destination? There’s so much you could do in Boston. If you don’t want to go to school, you could get a job somewhere near my college. We could find a small apartment off campus and—”

“Charli, stop,” I pleaded, pain slicing through me. The future she painted was a pretty one, but I knew it wouldn’t work out that way. Maybe we’d be together for a couple months, and things would be great, but she’d soon grow tired of me. And I’d grow restless. The demons inside me would eat me alive without an outlet to tame them.

Her eyes watered, and I hated myself for making her so upset. “Rhys, please, just hear me out. At least say you’ll consider it.”

“I can’t.”

Her hands squeezed mine. “Yes, you can. You don’t have to become a soldier. They are other ways to—”

“I do, Charli.I do.”

She sat back, deflated. “I don’t understand why you’re doing this.”

The dejection on her voice caused a sharp sting in my breastplate. “I have this … this restlessness inside me,” I said, searching for the right words to explain. “The way my childhood was, feeling so powerless all the time, I need to prove to myself that I can be strong, that no one will ever make me feel as small and weak as my father did. But the road to becoming that man isn’t in some college town with a beautiful, smart, caring girl like you. It’s a hard road, one with struggle, conflict, andpain. I can’t explain it, but I yearn for that struggle. I need a brutal routine. I need someone yelling at me to get the fuck up when I fall down, to taunt me when I want to quit. It feels like it’s the only thing that will ease the restlessness, the only way to slay the demons that eat away at me.”

“Demons?” she whispered.

“So many of them.” I stroked her cheek, my gut twisting with memories of being stomped on, kicked, punched, objects thrown at me. And even more memories of having to watch the same being done to my mother. Of fighting him but not being big or powerful or courageous enough to stop him. My father wasn’t the only bully in this world, and I knew I’d come up against more like him. But next time, I’d be ready. The army would turn me into a fighter, a survivor. Then nobody would be able to make me feel like my dad did ever again.

“Oh, Rhys,” she breathed. “There are other ways to tackle demons.”

“There aren’t. Not for me. Don’t you think if there was I’d be getting on that bloody plane with you? You’re in here, Charli.” I took her hand and pressed it flat to my chest right over my racing heart. “There’s no getting you out now, and it kills me that you’re going home. I feel like I can’t breathe whenever I think about it, but me moving to America with you, it wouldn’t end well. Those demons I mentioned? They’d swallow me up, and then you’d be left to clean up the mess.”

“That’s not true. If you come with me, we can tame them together.”

Christ, this girl. She had me in a chokehold. “I wish we could,” I murmured, pulling her to me and wrapping my arms around her tight. “I really wish we could.”

Charli wept into my shirt, and I felt like the biggest piece of shit in the world. Derek had been right. Charli and I never should’ve gotten involved. Not only was it threatening to break me apart, but it was breaking her, too. I felt it in the way her body wracked against mine, her sadness overflowing.

“I’ll write you letters,” I said, rubbing soothing circles into her back.

She sniffled and glanced up at me, her hazel eyes red from crying. “Letters?”

“Yeah,” I replied, my chest constricting. “Or emails if you’d prefer. I probably won’t have regular access to the internet once I start my training, but I can write to you whenever I’m at a computer. We can … we can keep in touch. You can tell me all about college, and I’ll write to you about what I’m doing.”

“Okay,” she sniffled again, some of the light returning to her eyes. “I’d like that.” She shifted a little but stayed close, my arms still wrapped around her. “God, look at your shirt. I’ve ruined it. I’m such a blubbering disaster. I’m so sorry, Rhys.”

“Don’t apologise. I’m the bastard who made you cry. I deserve my shirt to get ruined.” I deserved more than that. Should’ve bloody listened to Derek in the first place and kept my distance. Then I never would’ve made her cry like this.

A short silence fell before she broke it, “So, um, after you enlist, exactly how long do you have to serve for?”

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