Page 95 of Quiet Longing

Charli nodded sadly. “Not just Nuala, it was my entire support network. My friends from school, Lydia and Gwyn. Jesse had a way of getting into my head. He figured out whatmade me tick and used it against me. It took years for me to see his manipulation for what it really was, and by that point, I’d lost so much time with the people who were truly important to me.”

The more she revealed, the more my insides hardened to stone. I knew what an abusive relationship looked like growing up in a house with my parents, but that was mostly physical violence. Yes, there was emotional manipulation going on, too, and my dad was good at getting Mam to keep his behaviour behind closed doors a secret, but he’d never tried to cut her off from her family. What Charli was describing was different, and I was filled with a kind of rage I hadn’t felt in a very long time.

“Is that what you fought over the day you finally left him?”

A shadow flickered behind her eyes like she was pushing down a bad memory, then she said, “Partly, yes.”

I nodded to myself, battling with the anger that was stewing and toxifying within me. I wanted to round up a few of my old legion friends, jump on a plane, find her ex-husband, and teach him a real lesson. Burying the urge, I sent her a look of respect.

“I’m proud of you for leaving.”

She shook her head. “I’m not sure if you should be. My leaving came more than a decade too late.”

“Don’t do that,” I said, my voice rough.

Abusive relationships took a long time to get out of, I knew that from personal experience with Mam, how long it took to convince her to finally leave my father for good. A lot of the time it was a psychological cage rather than a physical one. What Charli just revealed to me made everything about how she’d changed make so much sense. Her anxious disposition, the panic attacks, and fretfulness.

I stood there, taking her in and battling between vicious fury and aching pride that she’d found the courage to leave and get a divorce. I couldn’t imagine the mental battle she’d gone through just to get to where she was. The relief that she was close enoughI could protect her was overwhelming. Wherever her path led, I made a promise to myself I wouldn’t ever abandon her like before.

I’d make sure she was safe.

A few minutes went by, but I didn’t make any move to leave. The conversation didn’t feel over yet, and I sensed Charli had more she wanted to say.

After a few quiet moments, she spoke, “I’m not sure I would’ve survived without my mom. She never stopped calling, emailing, sending letters, reminding me she was there ready to take me in whenever I needed her. She’d even drive five, six hours to come stand outside my work just so she could lay eyes on me. When I think back to that time, how I let Jesse convince me she was a bad person, I have this overwhelming physical response. I feel like being sick, like someone’s shoved a hot poker into my gut. My betrayal of her, it was unforgiveable. But her love was boundless, it knew no end, and then, when I did finally leave him, she drove those six hours again to come get me.”

A sheen of emotion filled her eyes. Instinctively, I reached out, placing my hand softly on hers. Self-recrimination threatened to drag me under. A parent’s love was unique, but why couldn’t I have been more like her mam? Why didn’t I push through my own bullshit and realise Charli wasn’t as happy, well-adjusted, and confident when she’d set off for college as I’d let myself believe?

“I’m sorry,” I said gruffly, a rough edge to the words.

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” she whispered back.

Headlights lit up the driveway, announcing Derek’s arrival with his kids in the back of his car. I wanted to explain to Charli that yes, I did have something to be sorry for, but that was a long, difficult conversation, and she was already upset. It wasn’t the moment to add to it.

Derek cast us a curious glance as he emerged from his car. He must’ve sensed we were having a serious moment because he left us to it. Charli sniffled and stepped away from the wall. “We should go in.”

“If you need a few more minutes to just be out here, that’s fine.”

She shook her head. “It’s okay. I just …” Her eyes came to mine, all glassy and endlessly golden brown with flecks of green. “Thank you for letting me talk. Sometimes I get so scared to tell people about Jesse, fearing they’ll judge me, but you didn’t, and I’m grateful for that.”

Fuck. I hated that she felt that way, but I completely related to the instinct. It felt like another lifetime, but I remembered hiding things, feeling too insecure to tell my closest friends what my father had done to Mam and me.

I motioned for her to go first, and she walked toward the front door. When we entered the house, Charli excused herself, and I went into the kitchen, where most of the Balfes had gathered, minus Padraig.

“Was that Charli I saw with you outside?” Derek asked, lifting a beer to his mouth.

“I’ve been giving her a lift home on Fridays,” I said, not explaining what we’d been standing outside talking about. “Seemed silly not to since we’re both heading the same direction.”

I didn’t fail to notice the look he and Nuala shared, and I began to wonder if they’d been talking about me. Aboutus. It felt like that summer all over again, being drawn to Charli more and more until we were spending almost every day together.

“Well, that’s very thoughtful of you,” Jo said. “I’m sure Charli appreciates it.”

“Did you know her ex-husband is withholding a collection of ornaments she inherited from her grandmother?” I asked, stillfeeling irritated about it. Last week, Charli pleaded with me to let it lie, but I was finding that difficult. She deserved to have what belonged to her returned.

“Yes, she mentioned it,” Nuala replied sadly. “God, that Jesse is such a fucking arsehole.”

“Language, Nuala,” Jo scolded.

“I’m thirty-three years old, Mam. I can swear.” A faint grin shaped her lips.

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