Page 41 of Knotted Laces

It’s just…

That’s not what I’ve always wanted—the fucking around, the meaningless relationships, the quiet, lonely house. No matter how hard I try to spin it as it’ll all be great, as I try to be happy that the empty bedrooms in my house are awesome guest rooms waiting for my parents, my siblings, my nieces and nephews, I can’t lie.

I wanted them to be filled withmykids.

Wanted to share that journey withmywife. My…ownfamily.

Which is totally unfair. I already have a great family.

No, it’s not what I dreamed about, not what my parents have, what my siblings have, what my friends are making.

It’s not a family of my own.

But it’s more than so many people have, including Athena.

“You lost something and you’re grieving it.”

I jerk my head up, hate the sadness in her eyes.

She survived a nightmare, and I’m worried about some sperm?

Pathetic.

“I’m fine.”

Her fingers squeeze. “Except you’renotfine, are you?” she says, and though it’s phrased as a question, her tone is anything but.

“Ats—”

“It’s in your head and it’s fucking with your life day-to-day and?—”

I wince.

She exhales. “And I know exactly what that’s like. To want to forget so much, to have the visceral need to keep moving forward, to pretend it doesn’t touch you. But”—her fingers flex around mine—“at the end all of that doesn’t matter. It still shades every inch of your life.”

“My stuff’s minor,” I say. “This isn’t—I mean— I’m lucky, Ats. I get that. Especially after all you went through. I just need to shut up and move on. It’s fine. It’s like you said—there’s more than one way to make a family.”

She studies me for a long moment, her dark brown eyes fixed on mine. “It’s not a competition for who has the most trauma,” she finally says.

“Ats—”

“And I wasn’t talking about my past—” She blows out a breath then releases my hand, scooping up both plates and bringing them to the kitchen sink. I watch as she scrubs at them, her movements jerky and ungraceful.

Completely antithesis to all that is Athena.

“You know my upbringing was shit. My parents were…well, not fucking parents, and my mom was vindictive bordering on abusive, something that got worse after she died. I was lucky to get out of that house relatively unscathed?—”

Icy shields around her heart and keeping herself distant from everyone who cares about her.

I don’t consider thatrelatively unscathed, but…

What the fuck do I know?

“But I got out and I found Lex, found you guys, and my life is better for it.”

I hold my breath, wanting to tell her how amazing I think she is, how fucking in love with her I am, but more than that, I need to understand. “So what’s shading your life now?”

Because she still has those icy walls and keeps her distance, and the sadness in her…it’s only grown in the last year.

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