Page 37 of Love Defies Us

Surely, he didn’t say…. that I’m not his.

“What did you say? I’m not sure I heard you correctly.”

“Your mother had you with a guy she was having an affair with for four years. I told her that we could work things out and to never speak about it again. I gave you my last name. And told her to end her affair.” His words wrap around me like a snake, slowly and softly squeezing the life out of me. Tears stings my eyes and my version is blurry. The floor has been snatched from under my feet. Dizziness wrecks my insides.

“So I’m a bastard child?”

He shakes his head. “You’re my daughter, I signed the birth certificate,” he pauses. “She was going to try to abort you, but I told her that if she did that, I’ll cut her off from my money.” His words slice through me. My dad used money to control her, to try to make her love him.

He wanted to keep me, and my mother never wanted me. It makes sense now. Why my mother treats me the way she does. I was just a regret to her. That’s why my parents treated Axel better.

“Is that why Axel’s your favorite?” I say again. I know that it would piss him off to repeat it. My father doesn’t like to have to repeat himself. “Because I’m not yours. Is that why you don’t care about me?”

He grinds his teeth. “I told you before I don’t know how to bond with you. But I love you. I came to all your plays and graduations. I took you to the father daughter dances bu--”

“You never ask me how my day was. You never tried to pry in my private life. You never ask what my interests are. You never brag to your friends about my accomplishments. It was all about Axel. Axel. Axel. Axel,” I breathe out. “When Axel played baseball in grade school you bragged. Just admit that I was something you regret looking at.”

Tears tickle down my cheeks, hitting my blouse. I hate myself for crying. I hate myself for allowing people who doesn’t care about me to hurt me. When will I think about myself and not others?

“Every time you look at me, do you see that other guy?”

He doesn’t answer, just stares at me with guilt on his face.

“Who is my birth dad?”

He frowns as if my words stab him the gut. “Why do you need to know? I’m your father.”

“I want to know the bastard that forgot about me.” I’m asking because I know it will hurt him. My biological dad didn’t take the time to get to know me. “You might as well dig the knife that’s in my back deeper.”

He rubs his hands together, debating if he should tell me. He better tell me, I deserve to know my real father.

“That bastard’s name is Jimmy and he died in a car crash when you were three years old. His family owned a winery in California. He left you forty percent of the company when you turn thirty years old.” There is an eerie silence because I don’t know what to do. I snatch a Kleenex from a box that’s sitting by the printer and wipe the tears from my eyes.

“He wanted to be in your life but me and your mom decided that was not for the best. Your grandfather was running for senator and didn’t want a scandal.” He watches as tears run down my cheeks but doesn’t make a move.

My grandfather did win the election that year, and as I got older, I used to hear stories about how he was a great senator. He was assassinated when I was four years old. “I come here in peace. You deserve to be in a higher position than being a manager. You are one of the best workers here, and I know me offering you a job as a vice president doesn’t change the fact that we lied to you all your life.” He watches me with steady eyes. “So, the job is yours. I already lost my wife and I don’t want to lose my daughter. I don’t care what runs in your blood. You’re still a Bennett at heart. I didn’t mean to make you feel like I loved Axel more than you because I don’t. I’m still hurt for the way I allowed your mom to treat me. I’m still hurt that she broke up our family.”

He stands up and gives me a hug. For the first time in my life, my dad hugs me tight, like I’m his daughter. Slowly, I wrap my arms arounds around his waist, squeezing him back. It feels foreign as if you step into a country and try to interact with the people there only to find you don’t speak their language. You feel so out of place. For the first time since my mother’s parents died, I break into full-blown sobs.

Five days later …

My phone keeps ringing and ringing and ringing, so I cut it off. My dad sent me emails on the job description of VP and asked me to start having lunch with him and Axel. I don’t respond because I’m mad at him. I don’t respond because of the pain they both caused in my life. My mom is a selfish person. And, she not only took from me, but from Dad. He loved her and she just shit on everyone around her. I’m just a grudge baby to him. But I understand why he acted the way he did towards me. Who wants to look at a regret and a mistake?

Felix keeps sending me emails asking if I’m okay. I’m a shitty girlfriend because I don’t respond, and I like to handle stuff on my own. I don’t need Felix to be strong for me. I send Betty a message to handle my workload for The Wakening of Gods stuff. I didn’t tell her why, I just told her that I’m dealing with family issues.

I stare out my window blinds as dust mites float in the middle of the sunlight. There’s beating on my bedroom door.

“I told you, Jasp. I’m not hungry and I’m not thirsty. Leave. Me. Alone!” I scream at the top of my lungs. God, he’s so overbearing at times.

“It’s me, Felix. Open the door, Thumbelina.”

My anger grows like weeds in a garden and I don’t respond. I choke the blankets with my hands.

“Open the door, or I’ll break the shit down,” he says again with fire in his words.

“Go away!”

“No! Open it now!”

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