Page 38 of Love Defies Us

“I said no!”

Several moments later, I hear mumbling and a click, and the door opens wide. Jasper and Felix stand in the doorway. Jasper wears gym shorts with no shirt and Felix wears a wife beater and black jeans. My heart catches in my throat.

“Jasper, who the hell told you to call Felix? Stop meddling in my business and worry about why you can’t have a stable relationship.”

My words punch him in the stomach and hurt sews into his face like thread in a rag doll.

Immediately, guilt burns inside of my chest, but I don’t apologize. I remain under the blanket.

“I didn’t call him, he just showed up.”

“Why have you been ignoring everybody?” Felix asks, yanking the blanket off me and I hiss at the cold air.

“Give me my shit back!” My stomach is in knots and nausea hurls in my throat. I turn over on my right and puke acid in the trash can next to my bed.

“Are you pregnant? Is that why you’re avoiding me?” he says with hope in his voice.

“Would it been a problem if I was?” I feel the tears stinging my eyes.

“No. What’s wrong? Did I do or say something wrong?”

“No.”

“Why won’t you tell me?”

“None of your damn business. Why are you really here? Are you here because I haven’t sucked your dick in a week? Go fuck yourself, Felix.”

He balls up his fists, keeps them glued to his side. Anger paints his face.

“Lashing out at me isn’t going to stop me from being on your fucking case. What the fuck is your problem? I can fix it.”

I push myself off the bed, stand in front of him and on my tippy toes. I stab my index finger into his firm chest.

“I told you to leave. It’s not like you can make the situation better.”

He grabs my finger and intertwines his hand with mine. “Talk to me. Maybe I can help.” His voice is gentle and kind.

“Oh really? Can you help me understand why my parents have been lying to me?” I try to pull away from his hand, but he grips harder. “Can you help me understand why my parents decided to keep from me that my father is not mine? That I’m a bastard child who was conceived in a long-term affair?” My throat is dry, and my legs feels weak and adrenaline marches in my blood. “Can you help me with that, Felix? No. You can’t. Now leave me the hell alone!”

Felix stares at me with brokenness in eyes and the tears runs down my cheeks. My breath is labored and choppy. Normally, I can contain my emotions, but I’m tired of doing this shit. I’m tired of holding my emotions and hiding how I feel. And there is only so much I can take.

He yanks me into his arms, and I sob. I sob so hard. I sob enough to fill the ocean.

“I want to help, Sadie. I do. But you have to let me in.” He pulls me into bed, engulfing me into a bear hug. His body feels like a furnace, warming up my cold body. He smells like eternal love and passion. I want to stay in his arms forever.

“Does this make you feel better? Not doing anything.” His tone is gentle as fabric softener and he kisses my forehead, then kisses my lips. His kiss is filled with love and acceptance, it tastes like rain on a fall day. Cool and wet. Then he kisses every drop of tears cascading down my cheeks.

“I want to shut the world out and be in my bubble.”

“Our bubble.” He corrects me. “I told you before, you don’t have to be strong by yourself, let me help you carry some of the burden for you.”

For the first time in a long time, I feel safe.

Sadie

Two weeks before the tour…

Today, Felix and I are supposed to meet with his father and new girlfriend. Felix doesn’t like her, he thinks that she’s using his dad.

---