Page 29 of Conflict

We sit together at the table for quite a while, neither one of us ready to break the connection. I’m aware of the hell I’ve rained down on my mother over the past few months. It’s going to take a lot for me to put that right and I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to erase the pain I’ve caused her. Lord knows, I intend to fight to make that right.

There’s lots of things I need to make amends for. I’m just not sure where to start when it comes to Scarlett, though. “I want to see Scar yesterday. Jack wouldn’t let me in,” the hurt from that is still raw and at the forefront of my mind. “I wanted to explain and put things right but he said no. He said I’d let him down, and that really hit me hard.” Mum lifts a hand to my cheek and offers me a kind of I-told-you-so-but-I’m-sorry smile.

“I bet that was a hard lesson to learn, I know how much you love Jack and Julia, and how much they love you.”

“Loved. I’m pretty sure they don’t feel that way about me now,”

“Stop it. They’re just protecting their daughter. Any parent would do the same. Give them time and they’ll come around.” She pauses for a second. “I’ll be honest though, Jamie. I don’t think you should try and see Scarlett until you’ve figured out what it is you want. If you’re just friends and it went too far, fair enough. And I’m sure she’ll understand that and forgive you, in time. But you broke that girl’s heart. She was all in, and if we’re being honest, she’s always been in love with you.” I open my mouth to defend myself but she shoots me that look that only a mother can, and my mouth closes instantly. “Are you in love with Scarlett? That’s the real question.”

I answer in a heartbeat, “Yes, I am. I’m in love with her. I love her.” It’s a reality I’ve avoided acknowledging for the lastfew weeks but now Mum has asked me outright, the answer is obvious. Apparently, it’s been evident to everyone but me.

“Scarlett needs to know that she isn’t just a replacement best friend now that Tom’s gone. She needs to know you love her for who she is, not the memories she can keep alive for you. More importantly, she needs to know you will never hurt her again.” Mum’s eyes are boring into my soul. “If you do, you’ll have me to answer to, never mind Jack and Julia.”

“I’ve really fucked up, haven’t I?”

Her hand raises quickly and she swipes at my shoulder. “Jamie Kasper, I do not want to hear that language from you,” she tsks as she runs her hands over her top, smoothing out imaginary creases. “But yes, you have fucked it up. And now you need to fix it.”

CHAPTER 41

SCARLETT

If the last couple of months have taught me anything, it’s that you need to grab the bull by the horns. My life has been in limbo lately, there’s been no direction or zest for life, especially during the last few weeks. That’s all about to change, hopefully.

The cursor hovers over the send button on the screen of my laptop, and my heart’s doing a weird kind of Samba inside my ribcage. I’m overthinking my decision, I know I am. “Come on, Scarlett!” Saying the words out loud gives me the push I need, and I hit send on the application and close my laptop. I shoot up from my desk and begin to pace my bedroom floor, “It’s just an application form, I probably won’t even get shortlisted.” Again, with the self-pep talk. And then the reality hits, this just might be the change I need, and a kind of giddiness takes over me. Grabbing my phone from the desk, I find Rachel’s name in my contact list and hit the dial button. She answers on the seventh ring; trust me, I counted. “I did it!” My voice is more of a squeal as I rush to get my words out. “I applied for the editor job. I know it’s a long shot, but hey, it’s all good experience just applying, I suppose,” I shrug, even though Rachel can’t see me, and move to sit on my bed, getting comfy.

“Breathe, Scar, breathe,” Rachel laughs out loud, “I’m proud of you. I thought you’d use every excuse under the sun not to apply. That job has your name stamped all over it, in gold, I might add.” I love that she’s optimistic, but one of us has to be. “Why don’t you come over tomorrow night? We could get a takeaway, share a bottle of wine and put the world to rights before I have to finish packing up everything.” Rachel leaves to start her new job next week and I’m going to miss her. “Hey, you might be following me before long!”

Apprehension rears its ugly head and I begin to chew on my lip, “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I won’t get shortlisted, never mind an interview. I don’t have that much experience,” I’ve switched from chewing my lip to gnawing at my thumb nail. My childhood habit making a comeback. My mother tried every trick in the book to stop me from biting my nails as a child, it wasn’t until I went to college that I actually kicked the habit fully. “Or the degree they’re asking for.” Self-doubt begins to rain down on me. Within in ten minutes I’ve gone from euphoria to embarrassment. “I don’t know why I even applied.”

“Stop it. You applied because it’s the dream job, and it means you’ll be able to come live with me when you get it. Delia even pointed the advert out to you. Now, if that’s not a sign, I don’t know what is.” Rachel’s right, Delia did give me a nudge to apply for the position, but that doesn’t mean that I’m qualified to do it. “You might not have the degree, but you do have more than enough experience, you’ve virtually been doing the job for years, where you are now. It’s a natural progression for you.”

I’m not so sure, and now I feel stupid for applying. “We’ll see, won’t we. Closing date is tomorrow anyway, so not long to wait for the rejection email to hit my inbox.” The nail I’ve been chewing for the last few minutes finally gives up and parts ways with my thumb, I hold my hand out and instantly regret bitingit off. I’ll have to make an appointment at the salon now to get it fixed. “Right, I’ll see you about seven tomorrow night.”

As I climb in my car to head over to Rachel’s my phone connects to the handsfree system, and the ringtone comes at me from every speaker. My whole body jumps at the noise level, that’ll teach me to have a car party for one and not turn down the volume when I get out. It’s deafening. I hit the button to accept the call as I clip in my seatbelt. “Alright, alright, I know I’m running late but I’m leaving now, be there in five,” Rachel knows my timekeeping is shit at the best of times, I’m used to her chasing me up.

“Hey, it’s me…” The voice does not belong to Rachel and I instantly regret answering the call. “Scar, can we talk. Please?” Jamie pleads as I drum my fingertips on the steering wheel, trying to figure out if I can hang up without actually speaking. “Will you at least let me talk? You don’t have to say anything,” the atmosphere surrounding me has becoming oppressive, clawing at me and I hit the button to lower the window and let some fresh air in. “I didn’t expect you to answer the call, I don’t know what to do now that you have.” I appear to have switched to autopilot mode, seeing as I’m pulling the car out into the main road and I still haven’t ended the call. The words will not come, I physically can’t speak right now. I want to shout, yell, scream, anything but this silence. Silence makes me complicit, and I’m anything but that. “I’d rather do this in person, Scar…”

Somehow, my voice decides to pull up its big girl pants and work, finally. “I can’t do this, not now. Please stop calling me.” The fight to keep my tone even and not tip over into hysteria is real. The words have been spoken, they’re out there and I can’t take them back. There’s a little bubble of pride forming in my heart and I can feel it growing. I won’t allow him to hurt me again. There’s no place in my life for something that doesn’tbring me joy, and Jamie stopped bringing the fun. It was his choice, not mine, but here we are.

“Scarlett,”

“No, no more.” My thumb hits the button to end the call and the radio kicks back into life. Teddy Swims’ voice takes over where Jamie’s left off, and I feel the lyrics to The Door resonate deeply. With a flick of a button, I turn the volume up high and push my foot down on the accelerator. As I approach the roundabout, Teddy hits the chorus and I’m all in, singing my heart out along with him. There’s a full-on concert going on in my car as every emotion pours from me. I shift down a gear and pull out onto the roundabout, the screech of brakes coming to soon to alter my trajectory. Instinctively, I raised my arm to protect my head but everything switched to slow motion. The black SUV sped towards my car and I knew there was nothing I could do, other than brace myself against the impact. The sickening sound of metal crunching resonated around me as my car spun in the road. The force threw my head forward into the now inflated airbag and then bounced backwards. My seatbelt pulling tighter against my chest as it tried to hold me in place. Completely disorientated, the car spun down the carriageway a few feet before hitting a road sign on the passenger side and coming to a stop. The smell of oil and petrol filled my nostrils. Reaching up, my fingertips traced a trickle of blood coming from my forehead, above my eye. Panic rose swiftly as I leant down to release my seatbelt, I pushed hard against the door but it wouldn’t open. I wasn’t strong enough against the bent metal.

Teddy’s voice was quickly replaced by the sounds of sirens. As they grew nearer, the driver from the other vehicle approached my car. “Hey, I’m going to try open the door, okay? We need to get you out of there,” his hands grabbed the door handle and he braced his feet in the grassy bank I’d come to a stop on. “Are you hurt? Apart from that cut on your head,I mean.” After a quick mental check of all of my body parts, I’m pretty certain I’ve not broken anything so I shake my head quickly and brace my hands against the interior of the door. “If I pull, can you push? Do you think you can push it from in there?” He doesn’t look too concerned, so I figure I can’t be that hurt. He’d be able to see if there was something majorly wrong with me, and I take a little comfort from that. “Right, after three. One, two, three…” He pulls and I push with all I’m worth and the door moves. He reaches in to help me out as the police car, closely followed by an ambulance, pulls up behind us.

Thankfully, my side of the car isn’t too damaged. It’s mainly the passenger side that’s taken the impact from hitting the road sign and the back end from where the other car rammed into me. I’m a little dazed but apart from that, I’m relatively unscathed. I’m handed a dressing to hold against my head to stem the blood while the paramedic guides me to the ambulance. “Let’s just get you checked over, that cut will need a stitch or two I think,” as I climb into the ambulance, my body begins to shake uncontrollably. “Don’t worry, it’s just the shock,” the paramedic grabs a blanket and wraps it around my shoulders before he begins to check me over. “What’s your name, love?”

“Scarlett. Scarlett Wood, my phone’s in the car and my bag with all my stuff,” I manage to say through chattering teeth. “I need to phone my parents.”

“Don’t worry, someone at the hospital will do that for you, I’m just going to run you up to the infirmary, let them stitch you up and check there’s nothing else going on, okay?” When I nod my head in agreement the pain shoots through my brain, making me wince. “Alright, let’s get you strapped onto the bed, and we can get going.” His partner, closes the ambulance doors and heads around to climb in the driver’s seat. “All set,” he says and we move off.

Leaving my car in a crumpled mess on the side of the dual carriageway.

CHAPTER 42

JAMIE

There’s a weird kind of anxiety knot sitting low down in my gut. I’m upset Scarlett hung up on me, for sure, but this feels bigger than that and I can’t shake it off. This is a kind of visceral awareness that I haven’t had in such a long time. It’s almost like being back out on operations, not knowing what’s around the corner, but knowing for definite there is something waiting for you. “Jamie!” My mum shouts from the hallway, there’s a sense of urgency in her voice that has me darting from my room.

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