Page 28 of Conflict

CHAPTER 39

JAMIE

The wooden garden gate bangs closed behind me, and I reach my arm over the top to slip the bolt across. Jack added the bolt years ago when we used to play in their garden. He thought it would keep us in because we couldn’t reach up to undo it, but it didn’t take us long to build a step out of the rockery stones, so we could get up high enough to open it and abscond. As the bolt slides into position, I glance up at Scarlett’s bedroom window, the curtain moves ever so slightly and I’m convinced she’s watching me. If only she’d come downstairs, if only she’d see me or answer her phone. I can put all of this behind us, I know I can. But I know why she’s hurt; I know it’s my fault. Solemnly, I dip my head in recognition and hope that she is peering out from behind the curtain and can see me. I need her to know I understand. I take a moment to breathe before I offer a half smile up to the window and then turn to leave.

As much as I don’t want to, I have to head straight over to the park. It’s Saturday and the kids have a home game today. I promised Mike I’d turn up today, and I want to see if Josh is there. I want him to know I didn’t abandon him at the hospital and that I’m sorry I had to leave. My legs break into a lightjog as approach the park and see the kids have started to arrive already, and it won’t be long before the opposing team arrives. “Sorry I’m a late,” I greet Mike with a friendly slap on the shoulder. “I got caught up this morning. Pass the keys, I’ll get the kit out.” Mike pulls the keys from his kit bag and hands them to me as the kids start to gather around him. They’re all ready to play, sporting the new kit we managed to secure for them. There’s a real buzz in the atmosphere as I throw out a couple of footballs and get them warming up their muscles. “Right lads, we’ve got ten minutes before the other team gets here. Let’s see if we can get a few shots on goal before we kick off.” As I’m separating them into teams, I’m aware Josh isn’t here and my mind immediately goes to the worse case scenario.

Ben didn’t make it.

“Have you heard from Josh?” I ask Mike as we watch the kids line up the football to take their shot. “Do we know how his grandad is?”

Mike shakes his head, “No, I sent a message to his mum last night, asking if they needed anything or if Josh would be back today, but she hasn’t replied.” Mike notices the colour drain from my face as I swallow audibly. “Hey, that doesn’t mean anything. It was late. They were probably all in bed, if they’ve had a rough few days they’ll need to rest.” Just as I’m about to answer, I’m body slammed from behind and small arms wrap around my waist. Panic rises as I tip into survival mode. Mike notices my reaction immediately and holds his hands up in an attempt to reassure me, “Hey Josh, I think you gave Jamie a scare there,” Mike reaches out and detaches Josh’s hands from around my waist all while keeping a firm eye on my body language. Once I’m able to breathe again and my heart rate begins to lower, I swing around and bend down to embrace Josh. I don’t miss the tears in his eyes before he lunges forward to cling to me again.

“Hey, bud. What’s happening? Are you okay?” Josh’s head moves up and down against my torso, in a brief nod. “Good, then what’s this for?” I ask as I try to separate him from my body.

Josh’s mum is close behind him. “I’m sorry,” she reaches out to take hold of Josh before she turns her attention on Mike and I. “We just wanted to say thank you, for everything you did for my father. He wouldn’t be here if you hadn’t have acted so quickly.” I shake my head vigorously, in denial. But Josh’s mum holds out her hand for me to take, I think she’s going to shake my hand but instead she pulls me into a hug. I’m uncomfortable and incredibly overwhelmed all at the same time. When she finally lets me go, she has tears running down her cheeks which she swiftly sweeps away. “The doctor’s said if you hadn’t started CPR then he would have died on this pitch. You’re an angel, we can’t thank you enough,” she’s beaming as she looks at me and I feel like a fraud.

With my head lowered, I say, “Honestly, I didn’t do anything it was all the paramedics, they saved him. Not me,” I’m smiling but I know it’s not reaching my eyes. The trauma of what happened is etched within me, but I imagine it’s a million times worse for the family.

Josh joins in the conversation when he hears me denying that I helped. “Yes, you did do something, you got that machine on his chest to start his heart again. The doctor and Grandad said if you hadn’t done that his heart wouldn’t be working now. You’re a hero,” Again, Josh launches at me and wraps himself around my body. “Thank you.” He says before he lets ago and makes his way onto the pitch to join his team mates.

You’re a hero.

You’re a hero.

You’re a hero.

His words resonate deep within my soul. Playing over and over again as my vision blurs, I have to turn away to avoidanyone seeing me cry. Men aren’t supposed to cry; soldiers aren’t supposed to cry. Josh’s mum wraps an arm around my waist and guides me a few short steps, away from the young team and Mike. “Listen, Josh’s is right. You are a hero; you’re our hero and we won’t ever forget what you did for my dad. By denying that you did anything, you’re denying us our opportunity to be appreciative and to rejoice in the future. A future that could have been cut short for my dad, but because of you we can smile again. We can plan for Christmas and next year. We have more time with him, and that is definitely down to you.” She gives me a moment to allow her words to make an impact. “Josh told me you’re a soldier, I wanted to ask if there was a Commanding Officer or someone, I don’t know, anyone I can write to, I want them to know what a wonderful man you are. You deserve praise from much higher than I can offer.”

I shake my head, “No, that’s really not necessary. I’m waiting on discharge anyway. So, technically, I’m no longer a soldier. Your words mean so much, and that’s more than enough.”

Smiling sympathetically, Josh’s mum speaks through her emotions, “I disagree with that statement. Once a soldier, always a soldier.” She lets her arm drop from around my waist and reaches into her bag. “Josh wanted to get you something to say thanks, it’s not much but I hope, in years to come, you’ll be able to look at it and remember Josh fondly,” she hands me a gift bag and when I look inside there’s a metal water bottle with the phrase ‘This is what AWESOME looks like’ and an arrow pointing up towards the drinking end, emblazoned on it. “Heroes come in all shapes and sizes, Jamie. Right now, our hero is in the form of an under-thirteen’s football coach with the biggest heart. Josh could have a far worse role model than you.”

My cheeks redden and I break. As Josh’s mum walks away, my body folds and I’m left clutching my knees as I try to compose myself.

CHAPTER 40

JAMIE

Pushing the laptop lid closed, I sit for a minute and gaze out of the kitchen window onto the garden. Completing the seven clicks to freedom questions has hit home and now I feel like I’m in limbo. The leaves on the trees are starting to turn and drop over the lawn. I make a mental note to clear them away and cut the grass later. Mum can’t manage it as easily now, and Charlie’s too busy getting ready for the baby coming, so I need to step up and help out more now I’m home. This whole discharge process could take months so I’ll have plenty of time on my hands, but thankfully the zoom call with my Commanding Officer has calmed me somewhat. I don’t have to return to base; I’m officially on long term sick leave until my discharge goes through. The sound of Mum opening and closing the front door pulls me from my reverie. “Hey, I’m in the kitchen,” I call out as I stand and make my way to the sink to fill the kettle. As I pull two cups from the rack and drop teabags in them, Mum appears beside me and drops her shopping bags onto the countertop. “Tea?” I ask even though I’ve already prepared both cups.

“Oh, yes, I’m parched, thanks.” I watch as she begins to load up the fridge with fresh food she’s bought. “I picked up a couple of nice steaks from the butchers, thought we could have thosefor dinner tonight. I’ll let you cook them though, I always end up overdoing them,” she chuckles as she looks up at me and her eyes shine brightly. “How did your call go this morning?” She asks as I pour the hot water into the waiting cups. “Do you want to talk about it?”

With a nod of my head, I pick up both cups and carry them across to the table, once I’ve pulled out a chair for Mum, I sit beside her and wrap my hands around the cup. “I don’t have to go back to base,” I don’t miss the relief in Mum’s eyes as I say that. She’s been worried about me going back for weeks, even though I reassured her it wouldn’t happen. “I’ve completed all the paperwork I needed to do online, and my CO said they’ve received the report from Dr Munroe, so it’s just a waiting game now.” Mum reaches across the table and grasps my hand, giving it a squeeze as she does. “So, it looks like you’re stuck with me for a while.”

“I would never call it being stuck with you, I love having you at home, you know that.” She’s studying me as she speaks, I’ve got used to her trying to look for any signs of me about to have a meltdown over the last couple of months. It really pissed me off at first but now, I get it. I get that she’s frightened for me and that she wants to help in any way she can. “You can be… difficult to live with sometimes, but I understand that’s all part of this trauma. We’ll muddle through it together.”

My head lowers a little as my gaze fixates on the contents of my cup. “I have to look for a job, a proper job, not just volunteering with the football team. But there’s no rush for that, and I’ll have check-ins with my CO every couple of weeks or so for a while but that’s pretty much it until they sign me out.” There’s a mixture of relief and anxiety swirling around my stomach. It feels like unfinished business. “That man who had a heart attack on the park is doing okay,” the swift change insubject has me feeling a bit more settled. “His daughter came to tell us, he’s going to be alright,”

“Well, that’s wonderful news,” Mum stands from the table, taking both cups with her to the sink. “See, good things do happen to good people.”

“She called me a hero; it didn’t feel right.” I can’t move from where I’m sitting, my legs are like lead weights, pinning me to the chair, and my arms feel like they’re rooted to the tabletop. “I told her I didn’t do anything, not really, but she wasn’t having any of it.”

Mum stops what she’s doing and turns to face me, “Why didn’t it feel right? You saved his life,” her brow is furrowed in confusion as she dries her hands on the towel.

There’s a struggle to find the right words to describe what I mean, and how I’m feeling. Fuck, this therapy shit has really done a number on me. I psychoanalyse the shit out of everything now. “Doing my job… the things that I was required to do, they sometimes mean that people die. And sometimes those people are innocent and don’t deserve to die,” the breath stutters in my chest and forces me to take a minute. “I may have played some part in saving his life, but I’ve taken countless other lives. Saving one man doesn’t make me a hero.” My mother is by my side in seconds, surrounding me in love and holding me tightly as the emotion of my words overpower both of us.

Once she’s composed herself, she begins to try and rationalise with me. “Listen, you did the job you were trained to do, you fought for your country and defended the lives and rights of thousands of people. You’ve protected the future for so many children in those countries, you’ve given hope where there wasn’t any. Of course you’re a hero, Jamie.” The haze of emotion clouds my vision as she continues. “Whether you’re a soldier or not, it doesn’t matter. It’s what you hold inside that counts. If you’d never joined up, you’d still be a hero to lots of people.That’s just who you are, you’re a good person who did a great job in the army, and you’ll go on to do great things once you’ve left. There’s a world waiting for you to discover, you’ll find your way.”

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