Page 26 of Conflict

I’m almost at the bathroom door when she answers, “We can do, but they might think we’re a couple. I don’t care if you don’t.” she’s laughing loudly at her own wit and I pick up her hairbrush and throw it her. It falls short by a mile and lands with a clatter on the tiled floor.

As I sit on the balcony waiting for Rachel to finish getting ready, I turn my phone back on. My thought process is that I’ll just check to see if my parents have messaged me and then I’ll turn it back off, I’m not sure who I’m trying to convince with that thought. Anxiety takes a firm grip of me as the screen turns from black and begins the start up process. Turning the phone upside down, I lay it on the small table before I stand to lean over the balcony and watch the world go by for a minute. If I can’t see the phone, it can’t tempt me into sending messages I’m not ready to send. The table behind me vibrates as notifications start to arrive on my phone, the urge to check who they’re from is strong and my heart rate spikes a little more. When I can resist no more, I grab the phone and unlock the screen. There are seven missed calls, three voicemail alerts and five messages. All of them are from Jamie. With a quick swipe of my thumb over the screen, I lock it again and place it back on table, as Rachel appears in the doorway.

There’s a sympathetic smile on her face, “He rang again then?” she asks as she comes to stand be me.

I answer on a sigh, “Seven missed calls, voicemails and a few messages. Nothing from Mum or Dad though, so it’s all good.” Rachel pulls me into a hug and rubs her hand up and down my back. It’s too much right now, my emotions are all over the place, so I take a step back with a smile. “You look lovely, that dress really shows off the tan. Let’s go eat, I’m starving.”

“You don’t want to check in, real quick, before we leave? I can stay out here if you want some privacy.” I know she means well, but the last thing I want to do is speak to Jamie at the moment. He can wait. I know there’s a conversation to be had, and I definitely have things I need to say, but I need to be in a better place emotionally before I do that, otherwise none of what I want to say will make sense. There’ll just be a jumble of words, tears and snot if I do it now.

With a shake of my head, I dismiss Rachel’s suggestion and make my way back into the room to pick up a handbag and the door key. “Come on, let’s go get a drink. It’s happy hour until nine tonight.”

“Mojito’s all round then,” Rachel grins as she follows me out of the door.

CHAPTER 36

JAMIE

Turns out hospitals are not my favourite place to be. Once Mike had parked the car and the three of us began to make our way across the road to the hospital, I froze. The all too familiar images of the explosion began to play out in my mind, memories of scrambling to save myself and the guys in my truck amidst the carnage became all too real again, and the sweat began to pour down my back as the need to vomit rode high. I couldn’t get the putrid smell of burning flesh and death out of my nostrils. “Hey, what’s going on, are you alright?” Mike pulled me to one side when we were a few feet away from the A&E entrance, where I knew Ben would be lying on a gurney with medics working vigorously on him. We didn’t know if he was still alive or if the unthinkable had happened in the ambulance on the way here.

Not wanting to scare Josh, I stood back and shook my head, making a slicing action with my hand across my neck. “I’m out,” I almost whispered so only Mike could hear me. “I can’t go in there, I’m sorry. I just can’t. Will you take him in? I’ll make my own way back.” Luckily, I’d been honest with Mike when I’d enquired about volunteering, he knew my background, he knew why I was home and not back at base yet.

Mike fished around in his track suit bottoms and pulled out his car keys. “Sure, but here, go sit in the car and calm down. I’ll drive you back once I’ve found Josh’s mum.” My mouth opened and I tried to protest, but Mike was having none of it. He thrust the keys into my hand and insisted, “I’m not letting you go alone, take them. I’ll be as quick as I can.”

Grateful, I took the keys and nodded my thanks. Josh looked at me with huge, round eyes and I could see just how scared he was. Guilt ripped through me when a saw a single tear spill from his eye and track its way down his cheek. “Mike will help you find your mum and grandad. I’ll see you at the weekend, okay?” His lip quivered but he managed a small nod in agreement and I gave his shoulder a quick squeeze before Mike guided him away and through the hospital entrance. In that moment, it all became too overwhelming and I leaned over the low hospital wall and emptied the contents of my stomach into the bushes. Heaving until there was nothing left to vomit. When I was sure I couldn’t bring anything else up, I made my way back to the car park to wait for Mike.

Once back at the car I found the water bottle I’d brought with me and washed my mouth out, spitting the water out onto the concrete floor, before downing the remainder of the water. While I leaned against the car, enjoying the way the cool breeze felt on my face, I pulled out my phone and searched for Scarlett’s number. I’d not spoken to her since the outdoor movie night where I managed to break her heart again. As I stared at her name in my contacts list, regret settled in my stomach. “Fuck!” I yelled at no one. And then I hit the button to call her. Listening the phone ring and ring without answer devastated me. There wasn’t anyone else I wanted to talk to right now, nobody else was capable of talking me down from this ledge I appeared to have placed myself upon again. “Come on, Scarlett. Pick up for fuck’s sake,” after letting it ring for what seemed like forever, Igave up and ended the call just as the voicemail option kicked in. That wasn’t an option, I needed to hear her voice; I needed her to tell me it would all be okay. I didn’t need to hear her cheery voicemail greeting telling me I knew what to do and she’d get back to me. After a few minutes had passed and the fear in my stomach had reached near crescendo, I dialled her number again. This time, it didn’t even ring, it just went straight to voicemail. She’d turned it off.

Mike appeared at my side, “Hey, how are you doing now?” His hand rested on my shoulder; his concern etched deep within his frown. “Does that happen often? I thought you were going to pass out, for a minute.”

I hold out my hand, offering Mike his car keys back. “Unfortunately, yeah. Too often.” Making his way around the front of the car, Mike unlocks it and settles into the driver’s seat. “You could have got in; you didn’t need to wait outside. He turns the key in the ignition and reverses out of the space, before heading back out of town towards home. “I needed the fresh air. How’s Ben, did you see him?” Turning to look at Mike, I pray that it’s good news.

Mike shook his head, “I didn’t see him. Josh’s mum was waiting for the doctor to come out and update her. He was in resus when I left them.” All kinds of scenarios run through my mind, the worst being that Ben has passed away, and I did nothing to save him. That thought sinks like a lead balloon and sits heavy in my stomach. Suddenly, I’m overwhelmed again and the heat rises up from my toes, “Can I open a window?” I ask while I’m cracking open the passenger side window. “How was Josh?” It’s a stupid question but the best I can formulate at the moment.

“He burst into tears when he saw his mum,” Mike flicks the indicator and we turn down onto my street. “Let me know which is yours,” I point out our house on the left with the blue doorand he pulls over, parking in front of the gate. “I just hope the old man makes it, for Josh’s sake. He’s been through enough recently.” As I put my hand on the door handle, ready to exit the vehicle, Mike says, “If I can help you to deal with these… panic attacks, just tell me what you need me to do. You’ve fought for us, it’s the least I can do to repay you your dedication.” His words are kind and heartfelt, and they do not help the dryness that’s present in my throat, forbidding me from answering. So, I offer him a half smile and a nod. “If I get an update on Ben, I’ll let you know.” Mike calls after me before I close the car door and head inside.

Thankfully, my mother isn’t home, she’s gone to visit my brother, Charlie, for an overnight stay. She tried to convince me to go with her, and if I hadn’t signed up to volunteer with the football club then maybe I would have gone. But, I’m a man of my word, so I’m home alone for the first time since I took the overdose. My first stop is the kitchen to grab a drink. Foregoing water, I open the cupboard and pull out a bottle of Whiskey, the one my mother saves for the Christmas cake, and pour myself a decent measure. I ponder momentarily, swirling the amber liquid around in the glass, before I lift it to my mouth and down the glassful. The afterburn warms my chest and I contemplate pouring another shot but instead, I pull out my phone and dial Scarlett’s number again. This time, when the voicemail clicks in, I listen to her voice. ‘Hey you’ve reached Scarlett, I can’t answer right now but you know what to do,’ There’s a loud beep and I stumble over my words. “It’s me, call me back,” there is a moment’s pause before I end the call and then I stand there staring at the screen. Hoping, that somehow, if I will it hard enough, it’ll light up with Scarlett’s smiling face. The photo I have stored with her number is one from before Tom and I joined up. It was originally a selfie of all three of us, but I’ve cropped it down to just Scarlett now. It was a beautiful summersday, and we’d been to the beach. Scarlett had insisted on going on all the fairground rounds and Tom and I took it in turns to ride with her. I drew the short straw and had to ride the Big Wheel because Tom hated heights. That was one of our last days out as a three.

We left for training a week later.

With my glass refilled, I head up to my room, climbing the stairs slowly as I grip both my glass and my phone in my hands. I’m afraid if I slide my phone into my pocket I’ll miss Scarlett’s call. Stupid I know, but I’m all about the irrational these days. I place the glass on my bedside table and head over to close the curtains, still clutching my phone tightly. As I settle onto the bed, I give in to the urge and try to call again. All I get is her voicemail again, so I leave another message. This time I manage to beg a little more.

Then I down the Whiskey.

CHAPTER 37

JAMIE

Thanks to the Whiskey I consumed, my head is banging this morning and it’s not helped by my mother tapping repeatedly on my bedroom door. “Come in,” I call out with a sleep ravaged voice. There’s worry in her eyes, followed by what I can only describe as relief. “What’s up, is Charlie, okay?” My first thoughts are that something is wrong with Charlie’s girlfriend, they’ve just found out she’s pregnant and I know the early days are when things can go wrong.

Mum quickly shakes her head in response, “No, no, Jo is fine, she’s even got a little bump already,” there’s a glint in my mother’s eyes when she speaks of what will be her first grandchild. “Did you open my cooking Whiskey last night?” She’s direct and straight to the point.

A groan leaves my lips before I have a chance to school myself against it. “Yes, but I only had a couple of glasses, don’t worry.” I push myself up to sit and offer her a smile. “Come and tell me all the baby news,” I pat the mattress beside me but I don’t miss that she hesitates to come any nearer.

“You’ve drunk over half the bottle, that’s not a couple of glasses.” Mum steps over the threshold and into my room. “Did something happen?” she asks tentatively.

“No. Yes,” a strangled noise leaves my mouth before I continue. “One of the grandparents at training last night had a heart attack. I had to do CPR.”

Nothing could have prepared me for the gasp that my mother emitted as she clasped her hand to her chest. “Oh my God, sweetie. I’m so sorry. Did you manage to save him?” her hand reaches out to grasp mine as she comes to sit beside me on the bed. “That must have been so hard for you.”

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