Page 75 of Proof

“I needed someone to keep me alive in that place, JJ. You were the only one who could. Not because I wanted to live out some fantasy of getting revenge, but because I knew if I hung on long enough, I’d get to see you again, touch you. I put you into compartments in my head and I tapped into them whenever I needed to deal with some kind of emotion. I couldn’t let any of it out. Showing weakness in that kind of place is the moment you sign your own death certificate.”

I could tell my words were tearing JJ apart, but I knew if I didn’t keep going, neither of us would ever truly begin to heal.

“Please don’t cry, baby,” I begged as more and more tears fell from his eyes. I pulled him into my arms and held him tight as he pressed his head against my chest. I could feel his tears dampening my shirt and his body was shaking, but he hadn’t made a sound. I covered his head with my hand and just held him until he’d physically calmed enough for me to continue. I didn’t let him go, though. I needed to cling to him as badly as he did to me.

“I told you I compartmentalized everything… all those things I was feeling. The one thing I could never put in a little box and store away in some part of my brain was my love for you.Thatnever wavered. I swear that to you on my life, sweetheart,” I said before pressing a kiss to the top of his head.

Relief flooded my body when I felt JJ nod against my chest.

“When we finally came face to face, I expected to feel only hatred, but it wasn’t there. That compartment was gone. All the bad shit I’d placed on you, that I’dneededto put on you because I knew you’d forgive me for it, was gone. I didn’t even knowabout your memory loss at that point. When I saw you standing there with your gun aimed at my chest, you didn’t look anything like the JJ I remembered, but it didn’t matter. I fell in love with you all over again. In that moment I knew you were mine.You. The guy threatening to shoot me, the man I kissed like there was no tomorrow, the man who kissed me back with more raw passion than anything I’d ever known. I didn’t give a damn that you were new to kissing. I loved every second of it.

“That was the moment I felt truly free. I finally believed in something again. I finallyfelt. I loved you that day, JJ. Not the JJ from the past. It was the same at the cabin. Everything we did, every time we touched, was real. What you’d been doing at places like Tank’s changed nothing about how I felt about you. I loved that JJ too.”

His fingers curled around the fabric of my shirt like he was trying to hold on for dear life. I lifted his chin so he’d be forced to look at me. “Isn’t that what love is, JJ? Real love? You get to have this person who takes your shitty moods, your defiant silence, your rage and anger. They share that with you just like they share your hopes, your dreams, the good days, the not so good ones. A lot of people talk about falling out of love with someone over time but look at all the ones who have been together fifty, sixty, seventy years. They fought, they struggled, they probably had to make sacrifices or give up on some hope or dream to stay together. But they never gave up on each other.”

I kissed JJ softly, once again tasting the saltiness of his tears on his lips. I pulled back only enough that we could see each other. “If I’d spent the last two years overseas fighting some war or completing some mission, I still would have loved you. I still would have dreamed of the moment I could be with you again. If you’d had a terrible accident that had made you forget me, I would have done everything in my power to get you back. That’s what love is. Never letting go, no matter what’s keepingyou apart. You, James Joyce Ferguson, are the pieces of my soul that I didn’t even know were missing. Every single version of you, past, present, and future, will make my soul whole just like I hope I’ll be able to do for you someday. I can’t wait for that moment when we become one in every way, but I’m just as excited to experience every moment of that journey with you.”

This time when I kissed JJ, it was with everything I was. It was with every ounce of feeling I’d ever had for him. It was for all the things I’d never be able to find the words for to tell him. It was…everything.

I broke the kiss long enough to look JJ in his gorgeously different-colored eyes. “I’m so desperately and hopelessly in love with you,everypart of you, that nothing and no one is ever going to change that. No one is going to take that from us ever again.”

CHAPTER 24

Jj

Please don’t let this be some fucked-up dream…

That was the first thing to pop into my mind as soon as Cass kissed me after his stunning declaration. I was struggling to breathe but not because he was stealing my breath with his soul-searching kisses. No, I had a whole other reason for not being able to draw enough oxygen into my deprived lungs.

He loves me.

Cass loves me.

Me… this version of me.

I thought for sure I’d fucked everything up with my clumsy words as I’d tried to admit out loud what I’d already known for weeks, especially after the stupid mind games I’d forced Cass into only minutes earlier. Turned out the old adage about the truth setting you free was a real thing. I couldn’t remember even one event in my younger days when I’d told the truth about any of the life-altering events that came with growing up. I’d hidden my sexuality from my father and brother, I’d never once spoken up about alternative career paths I’d wanted to pursue because I’d wanted my father to live his dream of being a police officerthrough me, and I’d hidden my childhood crush on Cass that had turned into something more as I’d grown into adulthood.

What other things had I missed out on simply because I’d been afraid to speak up for myself and the thingsI’dwanted?

“Hey,” Cass murmured against my ear as he teased it with his sinfully skilled mouth. I hadn’t even realized in my lust-hazed state that he had given me the precious moments I’d needed to get myself mentally on track. My body was responding in every way to his caresses, but my mind was so busy waffling between self-doubt and disbelief that I couldn’t focus on the pleasure he was bringing me.

In the past, I’d been able to turn my brain off with ease as guys had fucked me or shoved their dicks down my throat, and sexual arousal hadn’t even been an issue since I hadn’t been looking for orgasms. I’d wanted to feel nothing and that was what I’d accomplished, but with Cass, it was all different.

“Hey,” Cass repeated. “Talk to me, JJ,” he continued even as he pulled back enough that he could look me in the eye.

“I’m not ready,” I blurted.

Cass chuckled quietly before he kissed me with one soft, sweet, and very unexpected kiss.

“You’re not mad?” I asked cautiously.

Another featherlight caress brushed over my mouth.

“Mad?” Cass asked in surprise. He put enough space between us that he could focus on my face. “No,” he continued with a shake of his head before he caressed my cheek with his thumb. “I don’t put out on the first date.”

“What?” I nearly choked on the word. “You don’t… you don’t…on the first date?” I sputtered in disbelief.

Cass leaned back in, but he didn’t kiss me again. Instead, he braced himself by putting one arm against the tile wall next to my head. The fingers from his free hand began to toy with mine. After a few seconds, he began to run his fingers up and down myforearm, always reconnecting with my hand in between. Sparks danced beneath my skin.

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