Page 54 of Proof

“Home,” I responded as lightly as I could. I might have managed to throw in a smile, but I wasn’t sure. I was too consumed with all the raw emotions that were tearing me apart inside.

I was in front of Cass as we walked along a narrow part of the trail, so I used that fact to my advantage.

“Cass.”

“Hmmm?” Cass responded. He still sounded relaxed and happy.

Content, even.

And I was about to blow it all to hell. I had no choice, though.He’dgiven me no choice.

“Truth,” I reminded him.

When he didn’t respond right away, I stopped and turned around. He was several feet away. If hehadbeen content, that was gone. If he’d been happy, that was gone too. And he sure as shit wasn’t relaxed.

Cass tipped his head in a nod. He was responding to my reminder that he’d agreed to tell the truth to any question I asked.

My body was shaking violently, and I could feel the pain behind my eye building, but for once, I didn’t try to stop it. I wanted it to come. I wanted it to transport me back to five minutes earlier when it had been just me and the real Cass on that log.

The Cass I’d been in love with from the time I’d been old enough to understand what that meant.

“James Joyce,” I said.

Just like that, Cass’s entire body stiffened. Then he dropped his eyes and that was all it took.

CHAPTER 17

Cass

From the moment JJ reminded me about my promise to tell him the truth when he asked me a question, I knew that the peace I’d found on that log was gone.

JJ was gone.

My JJ.

“James Joyce,” he repeated, his voice hoarse. “How do you know about that?”

It was all I could do to raise my head and face JJ man to man. His expression and body language matched the despair in his voice.

“You told me,” I responded.

“I never told anyone about that. Not even Sully,” JJ choked out.

“Your mother wanted to name you James Joyce because he was her favorite author, so that was what your parents named you. After your mom died and you got older, you were afraid of other kids teasing you because your middle name was a girl’s. You started calling yourself JJ and told your dad and brother that you wanted a nickname like Sully had. Sully was short for Sullivan, so you wanted to be JJ. By the time you found outwhyyou’d been given that name, people had already been calling you JJ for years. You felt like you’d betrayed your mother somehow.”

I could feel daggers slicing me open one by one as the color leached from JJ’s face.

“When? How?” he asked in disbelief. “My coffee—you know how I take it. This morning, you said you missed me. You called me ‘my’ JJ.”

“I did,” I agreed because I was too much of a fucking coward to do anything else.

JJ shook his head violently. I wanted to go to him, but I knew my touch was the last thing he wanted.

“The kiss,” he whispered. “The day you kissed me for the first time… on that canyon road… the day Ithoughtyou kissed me for the first time… it wasn’t, was it? It wasn’t our first kiss. It wasn’tmyfirst kiss.”

I wanted to lie. I wanted to say whatever words would make him hurt even a little bit less. I could tell that none of what he was saying was because he was remembering the events for himself. This wasn’t some miraculous moment where his memory was returning.

“No, it wasn’t,” I reluctantly responded.

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