Page 40 of Love Harder

He has a quote tattooed on his arm, and after getting to know him, I realized how appropriate it is. He worked hard. He had big dreams. He is chasing what he wants in life, and I admire him for not being a slave to the grind.

This is one of the many reasons I fell so hard for him.

He is driven and focused on achieving his dreams. So how can I be bitter about that?

I can’t.

I’m sad, yes, of course I am, but knowing he left to challenge himself and grow takes guts. He didn’t want comfortable. He wanted to explore what this life had to offer him.

I know, dear reader, you may be wishing for something a little more dramatic. Perhaps he never left.

But he did.

His parting words weren’t climactic, but they were him. He didn’t make a fuss. He didn’t express his undying love for me because this was never going to end that way.

I knew that.

But the fact he assured me we would speak just how we always did makes me have faith that perhaps he would stick true to his word, and we will forever be in one another’s lives. And I believe in one way or another, we will.

It’s been over six months since Switzerland left, and although I wanted to end his chapter on a different note, I thought it was only fair to bring some kind of…closure, perhaps.

Switzerland and I spoke like we normally did when he first moved. Things weren’t easy for him, and moving proved to be quite the challenge. But he of course made it work, just as I knew he would.

He called me often in the beginning. I had hope.

But with time, he began to fade into the shadows, and he soon felt like a dream. He became a distant memory, and I wonder if this was because my heart was trying to cope. I tried to keep in contact, but he fed me the bare minimum.

I felt like I was the one making all the effort. He was settling into his new life. I understood. I knew this was destined for us. But as the weeks gave way to months, Switzerland became white noise, and I lost sight of him. He would occasionally check in by being present in my socials, but any actual conversing stopped.

When the cover ofLOVE HARDreleased, he sent me a congratulatory message.

It was so…curt.

Unlike what I expected a past lover to send.

Mötley and Sparkles had told me to detach. But goddamn, he still affected me.

The messages were so scarce between us. It made me sad when he did message as it was a reminder of what we shared.

I didn’t want this weirdness between us. I didn’t want it to taint the happy memories I had of him. So I sent him a message, not really sure of the aftermath.

It went something along the lines of:You speak to me like we never kissed…

He replied as I knew he would.

I know, but we’re 15,000km apart, my darling woman. What am I supposed to do?

That’s just a number…

I typed back.

He never replied.

And it’s okay.

There wasn’t anything he could say. It was fact. It was something I knew from the beginning.

So I wish I could present a happier ending. But that’s not how life works.

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