Page 16 of Love Harder

Things seemed okay, right?

But they weren’t.

These are the last messages ever exchanged between Ghost and me. Should I have known they were, I would have said so much more.

Why do you struggle with your happiness? Well, we’re going to change that. What’s one thing that makes you happy? I don’t care how trivial it is. We’re going to do that together. Think on it and tell me and let’s do itAnd your teeth are FUCKING ADORABLE!

I haven’t been a happy guy in a long, long time. I just find it hard to find joy in things. It possibly has to do with being underserving. I think about how lucky some people are to have everything handed to them, yet I work, work, work, but I’m only getting so far. I know it’s stupid because I should be grateful I’m alive, which I am. I just wish there wasn’t so much struggle. I hope you’re having the best day ever. You truly deserve it, you sexy fucking minx.

This was the first time he expressed his unhappiness with his life. I thought he was happier than he was, but I was wrong. The signs were there. I just didn’t want to accept them.

It’s not stupid at all. Your feelings are never stupid. Don’t disregard your successes. Look at what you’ve achieved instead of what you haven’t. You’ve got goals and aspirations, and all good things take time. I hate that you’re not happy. It makes my heart sad ’cause I wanna change thatWhat can I do? You say you find it hard to find joy in things…how about we try something totally different? What’s something that’ll make you happy? I’m going to brainstorm ideas all day now… I’m going overseas for work soon. Wanna come? X

I really fucking tried. I’ve not read over these messages since they were sent. But if it helps me, if it perhaps helpsyouheal,then here we go…the final message Ghost ever sent to me. Read it and decide if I was wrong in being totally confused why he disappeared off the face of the earth after sending me this…

Gosh, you’re so amazing…I really fucking love this…you make me feel like I’m not stupid and make me have hope for myself. By being yourself, you make me happy. I love people who just be true to themselves. Because I try to be true to myself. Next week, yes, I’m coming over to do some more damage to youYour words actually floor me. I hope you know that…like honestly! I’m trying to be the person the world needs. I’m glad I can keep you on your toes, you sexy fucking minx. It’s not me if I don’t make you tiptoe just a little bit. The only place I want to travel with you is in your soul. I want us to merge and travel the universe in our eyes.

The end…

What a cliffhanger, right?

But this is real life. This is the ending I was given and expected to fill in the blanks.

After that message, I wasn’t expecting to be ghosted, but I was.

But this isn’t how my story ends…

I sent this in response:

You kill me. You fucking kill me. That last paragraph, tho… Can you get any hotter? FmlYou’re working toward something. Don’t ever forget that. Things may be hard, but you’re focused on what you want. You’re so driven. Good things will come. Don’t let your past or insecurities taint it. You’re paving the path for your future, and I’m here to hold your handI want you to stop and think about all your accomplishments. Think of everything you’ve been through and how you’ve never given up. You want more. And you’re fighting for more. That’s fucking incredible. So don’t ever sell yourself short. I’m here to cheer you on and always support you because I think you’re beyond amazing.You do more than keep me on my toes. You kill me in every single way. Mind. Body. Soul. I’m so excited to see you next week. Lame, right?

I’ve not read this message until now because I was too scared to. I thought I had said the wrong thing because Ghost opened this message and did what he NEVER did…he left me on read.

I didn’t understand, so I sent another message the day after.

You usually always reply. Have I said too much? Are you okay? x

Nothing.

Nada.

My friends assured me it would be okay. That perhaps the pressures from work were too much, and he needed time, so I left it. I did everything I could to distract myself, but the silence was so deafening that I couldn’t think.

I sent him a video saying I hoped he was okay.

He never opened it.

I sent him another message a couple of days later.

Beautiful boy, I’m worried about you. If you don’t wanna talk anymore, or your feelings have changed, then I accept that and will leave you be. I never want any pressure between us, but please don’t go silent on me. This doesn’t seem like you. Are you okay?

Crickets…

By this stage, I was experiencing all the stages of loss. Grief. Anger. Confusion. I was hooked on the most potent drug—love—and it was ripped away from me, and now, now I was jonesing. I was desperate for my next fix because my heart and pride couldn’t stand being ignored.

So I sent another message.

I’m here, and not going anywhere unless you want me to. I hope you’re okay. I miss you x

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