Page 98 of Love Harder

Why did she care?

My insecurities resurfaced because an ex who shows interest is an ex who cares.

For example, if my ex was the first man to do something noteworthy (highly unlikely), I would never know because I simply do not care.

But she did.

Why?

I can’t answer that yet, my besties, because that chapter is yet to come…

But ex aside, I found he could be distant and distracted, and we were forever grappling to see one another because our schedules clashed. I would consult with Mötley, ensuring I wasn’t overthinking. She would tell me if I was. When she agreed with me, those were when those feelings of despair would creep in, and I wondered what the point was.

If this was happening so early on, what hope did we have?

I would retreat into my shell. But one night, when things were weird between us, and I didn’t know why and started to cry, I knew I was in way over my head.

I hadn’t cried over a guy in a long time.

I felt those heavy feelings press down on my chest, and I couldn’t breathe.

I didn’t want this.

Not again.

I’d prefer to end it now when I could walk away with minimal damage, than later on when I would be totally destroyed.

I hated those days. Those were the times I wanted to end it. I often wonder why I didn’t. I guess it’s because I wanted tobelieve that he wasn’t doing it intentionally since he gave me so much when he was present.

Did it balance out the scales, however?

Yes, The Unicorn was special, but now that he was spending almost every night in my bed, had the novelty worn off?

I decided to stop assuming and ask him what was going on, and that’s when something incredible happened. The Unicorn opened up in ways never before, and I realized that, just like me, he also gets in his head and suppresses his pain.

This had nothing to do with me.

Love, remember, had hurt him too, and he was dealing with it as best he could. And in response, he pushed down his own demons to pacify mine because that was the first time he told me he loved me.

Other beautiful things were said, and I knew then that The Unicorn wasn’t going anywhere. He assured me it would be okay and not to worry; he was staying.

And so was I.

We’ve fought.

We’ve kissed and made up.

Arguing with him has me realizing how far I’ve grown when it comes to relationships.

In the past, I would sit on my feelings until they came to a boiling point and I would explode. That’s usually the point of no return.

Neither of us wanted to drag out an argument. Yes, we were both stubborn and stuck to our convictions, but once we both said what we wanted, the discussion was over and we always seemed to grow from something which had the potential to tear us apart.

When I’m sad, he makes me happy.

When I’m scared, he protects me.

And the way he holds me tight in the darkness as we lay side by side has me falling in love with him all over again.

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