Page 37 of Love Harder

One day, I asked him something, and when he didn’t reply, I said, “Yes? No? Maybe?”

And without warning, he broke out into a theme song from a TV show.

It was a long song too, and each time, he ensured he sang every word to it. It made me laugh. So he made sure he never missed a word.

It was our thing.

He said if I was ever sad or needed to talk, all I needed to send him was those three words, and he would sing to me.

It really was a beautiful thing.

“You’ll be on a date with a man, and he’s eating a steak, and you’ll say, so do you like your steak? Yes? No? Maybe? And his response will be yeah, I guess.”

I laughed, but to think of myself on a date with someone other than him made me sad.

I reminded him that I was a vegan, not that he could forget. But the analogy made me laugh.

There are no words to ever express goodbye to the person you don’t want to go.

I said to him, “So what are your parting words? How does our story end?”

I was curious.

He hugged me tight and said, “It’s not going to be the song.”

He knew me too well.

“You’re just going to have to wait until I say goodbye. But this isn’t goodbye. You’re going to see me again.”

That’s what everyone says.

But distance changes so much.

He said so many things to me to ensure I would be okay. That we would see one another again and that we’d always be in one another’s lives.

And perhaps we would be. But it wouldn’t be in the way I wanted, and I wondered if maybe cutting him lose would be the easier thing to do.

Cold turkey.

If I can’t have all of him, then I don’t want him at all.

I didn’t want to hold on to pieces when I wanted the whole thing.

It’s too hard to love someone from afar.

He wanted me to live my life and wished me all the happiness I deserved.

“Thank you for crossing the moat to meet me outside your castle walls,” I said, and I meant it.

That’s the analogy he used to explain why he didn’t get attached. So many walls built around my boy. I wish I had more time because even though he always said he wished he could be my Prince Charming, if time was on our side, then I think I could have slayed his dragons because I didn’t need a Prince Charming. I didn’t need saving.

All I wanted was my king to rule alongside his queen.

He smiled. “I crossed the moat to meet you, but now, it’s time to retreat back into the castle.”

I could feel the tears approaching.

It was time…

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