Page 36 of Love Harder

He’d sold his bed, but he had a spare mattress set up on the floor. I took off my shoes, just how I always did, before getting into my side. He did the same.

He had mentioned a while ago that my side of the bed smelled of me and the cream I used to massage him with. It touched me at the time, but now, it just made me so sad. This was the last time I was to lay on my side of the bed with the man I had fallen for.

Where’s the justice in that?

We lay together and spoke how we always did. He was excited to move. He was also anxious and overwhelmed because uprooting your life is a big thing.

I listened, savoring each moment spent together because they were soon becoming our last.

Again, the entire time we lay in his bed, he ensured I touched him. I will always remember him for that. My boy who was insistent that I didn’t break down any walls was the one who always offered me his hand.

I asked if he showed his family our photos. He said he had. I didn’t think he spoke about me to his family, or anyone, in fact, but he said something which proved otherwise.

He had mentioned that a family member had said I had been so nice to him. I don’t know why, but it touched me so. It proved that he did speak about me, and the things he had said were all spoken in kindness.

Switzerland never really opened up, but this showed me that he did feel something for me—he may not have wanted to admit it, but I like to believe I affected him as much as he affected me.

The inevitable loomed, and he was the one who said it first. He was the one who said what I couldn’t.

“I’m going to miss you.”

My heart ached, and I forced back my tears.

I turned onto my side and replied, “I’m going to really miss you. This sucks.”

Silence before he bent down to hug me.

Switzerland said some beautiful things. It was all encouraging and promising for our futures, but a future lived apart.

It hurt because he always had an endgame.

He was focused on leaving.

And me, all I wanted was for him to stay.

He wanted me to know that what we shared wasn’t just physical. That it extended beyond that. It was nice to hear that he liked hanging out as much as I did. And that’s the reason it was so hard to say goodbye.

To connect on all levels is a rare thing.

He made me laugh.

He made me hot.

He made me feel safe.

He was so much, yet I always felt like what we had was never enough.

He tried to lighten the mood by saying he was the one who got away.

I told him to get over himself.

But he was right.

“You’re never going to find a man like me,” he said with a smile. “You’ll never find a man who will sing to you on cue like I do.”

And he was right.

The more comfortable you grow with someone, you begin to build your own little world. And that’s what we did.

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