Page 28 of A Surrender Of Hope

I had been attracted to Meyer the moment I saw her in that damn cabin back in Idaho. Then I grew obsessed when she walked into the Council room full of corrupt Seniors and met my eye without a flicker of fear, something most Hunters and Demons alike have trouble doing. Once I got a taste of her, I knew my future was set despite how much I fought it, and now that I’m here, I can't help but think how fucking lucky I am that she’s bound to me.

“Queen? A freaking Queen, Lennox? That wasn't in the memo you gave me,” she hisses through her teeth, her hands balling into fists as she approaches. “I can’t even keep Razar from kidnapping Milo, and you want me to be a Queen?”

“To be fair, I told you we should hold on a moment when we were talking so I could explain things to you, and you didn't like the idea.” Meyer yanks herself to a stop, her cheeks flaming bright red as I remind her of that fact. Does it make me not telling her the whole truth any better? No. Not really, but I can say I at least tried, and then when my control was slipping, I ensured it was truly her who wanted me and not the newly formed mate bond. That had to give me some points… right?

I grimace at my thoughts, knowing I’m a complete asshole for not having a long and detailed talk with her prior to this moment, but I don't regret binding her to me; Meyer is mine. My mate, mine to love, to protect, and mine to piss off every fucking day. She’s going to have to get used to it. I’m not giving her up even if there was a way to undo what I did, which there’s not. But, maybe I should try to figure out how to talk to her more. Communication has never been my strong suit, and I hate that it's now negatively affecting my mate.

“I said there would be no going back for us, Little Demon. What did you think that meant?”

“You have a way of saying and doing things one moment, then acting differently the next, Lennox,” she rasps, looking conflicted. I can see and feel her panic, which draws a growl to my lips, hating that she’s standing in front of me upset. She knows what I’m implying, but I think I might have brought this whole denial issue on us with my hot and cold behavior before mating her. “I was too scared to think about it. I didn't want to get hurt again. I just figured you meant I was like a girlfriend or something,” she mutters, her hands flexing at her sides as she tries to calm herself down.

My magic inches out and I can feel her panic and fear radiating off her in waves, making me step forward, the need to soothe the feeling away an instinct I have trouble ignoring. When she shoots me a look that withers my soul a little, I pause and sigh, tilting my head to the side and keeping my voice low and calm, knowing I need to stay level-headed since I’m the reason for her panic.

“You can look at it that way,” I offer with a shrug, trying to calm her a little. Her brows pull together in question, and I offer her a smile. “But more like a… permanent girlfriend.”

“A mate… what does that mean to you? What’s the equivalent in the human world?” she asks, swallowing hard, her eyes flicking over my face with a strained expression. She already knows what it means. My Little Demon isn't stupid, but it looks like she needs verbal confirmation, and I’m not sure I want to give it to her when I feel a slight sense of betrayal emanating from her.

Dammit. How did I fuck this up so much?

“You already know what it means, Meyer,” I murmur. I watch her closely as she rolls her lips together and nods, her shakinghands moving to weave through her longer-than-normal hair as she spins in a circle, looking around us with wide eyes.

“Yeah… I do.” Her voice is small as she nods.

“Do you hate the idea so much?” I ask, biting the inside of my cheek as I wait for her response. If she does, if the idea is completely intolerable, then I will do everything in my power to figure a way to free her, despite how much the idea sends physical pain through me. She shakes her head and I puff out a choked sigh of relief.

“No. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t scare me. We’re always at each other’s throats,” she grumbles, eyes refusing to meet my mine, and I grind my teeth together when the action hurts more than I would like. She’s my mate and should never look away from me, but I also know she’s trying to get used to this new world she's been thrown into, and I need to attempt to control my instincts no matter how hard they press against me. But when a single tear tracks down her smooth cheek, my control snaps, and I take a step toward her, hand moving to her chin. “No,” she rasps, stepping back and shaking her head. “You tied me to you. You mentioned our lives are twined together?”

I nod, hand frozen between us as I watch her every move. “That's right,” I confirm.

“Spell that out for me. You already felt my emotions, right? What else does this mean besides being… yours?” I try not to groan at her admission of being mine as I take a deep breath.

“Everything Jesthren said is true. You will be Queen when I ascend to the throne, but that’s still decades if not centuries away, Meyer. My father is still in his prime, and I won't claim the throne until he can no longer defend the kingdom. This isn’t a pressing matter for you to worry about right now. I will handle everything in order to ensure you have time to mentally and physically handle this new adjustment to your life. I would have asked beforehand, but you were already…” I trail off, notwanting to remind myself how close we all were to losing this woman.

“Dead,” she finishes for me. “Would I have lived without you mating me?” she suddenly asks, no longer sounding upset, more curious.

“No.” She nods and sighs. “I’m sorry, Meyer. This is my fault. I should’ve told you all of this before we were together physically, and I didn’t. There is no excuse for it.”

“Why didn’t you say something before Jesthren?” she asks and I cringe.

“I knew the rift was going to take a toll. I planned to tell you before we got to the castle, but not before so you wouldn’t have extra stress.”

“Are you mad at me?” I frown and shake my head. Yeah, her constant need to push me to my limits and not submit makes my Demon side feral with need, but I’m not mad at her.

“No?” I answer hesitantly, wondering how the hell she could think that. I thought I was the one in trouble here. I wish, more than anything, I could’ve asked her permission before mating her. It would’ve been the fair and right thing to do, however she was already dead and I couldn’t. It was let her die, or take her as my mate.

“You mated me.”

“Yes?” I tilt my head, still not understanding. She sighs like I’m the daft one here as she shifts nervously on her feet.

“You didn't have the option. I would have died. Are you mad that you tied yourself to me? I didn’t have a say, but it doesn’t seem like you did either.” Realization dawns, and I try and fail not to smile, making her scowl deepen. Holy shit, she’s actually concerend for my feelings?Me… when I’ve been the biggest asshole to her this entire time. Fuck, I really don’t deserve this beautiful girl. “Don't laugh at me!” she snaps, and I have to bite my lip so I don't actually laugh.

“I didn't laugh. And no. I'm not mad, Meyer.” I step forward and grab her hand, making her glare up at me as I tug her close, loving how her small body fits against mine. Tucking my finger under her chin, I smirk at her. “What am I?” I ask, already knowing what her answer will be.

“An asshole,” she growls, eyes flashing with anger and heat as my gaze moves to her soft lips, wondering if I could convince her to kiss me again without jeopardizing a kick to my balls. Why is this girl so damn addictive? It's entirely frustrating. I don't think I’ve had a single clear thought since binding her sweet ass to me on the battlefield. Yet my barely there control scares me enough to try and keep my distance as much as I can tolerate. I’m a Demon and there’s a primal need and urge to be with her in a way that I can’t stifle. I want to pick my mate up and steal her away to have her all to myself. But if I accidentally hurt her… My stomach rolls at the thought and I have to swallow down bile as I answer her.

“Correct. So, do you truly think I would mate a girl and tie her soul to mine for eternity if I didn't want her?” I ask, showing way more of my hand than I’m comfortable revealing but it’s necessary if Meyer and I are going to turn our turbulent relationship into more than a single hot fuck.

I’m not going to lie; I love the push and pull between us. Her anger only fuels my need to have her by my side during the day and under me at night. There’s a tension that forms between us and tortures me on a daily basis. But I also know I need to offer her more, to give her something of me I haven't given others for this to work. The lies that started our relationship still hang over us like a heavy weight, and I know I need to make up for them. Meyer knows I will keep her physically safe; I’ve felt as much when she's near me. But I know she wouldn't trust me with more than that. I can feel her guard go up when I come into a room or move to her side, which won't do. I may not have planned forthis girl to crash into my life, but now that she’s here, I refuse to let her go.

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