Page 69 of Snow Going Back

It was late last night, as I tossed and turned in my bed, that I felt so restless I could barely think. So I put on my coat and I went for a walk. I just needed some air. I needed to breathe. It felt so stifling in that room, under the shadow of my wedding dress. And my feet carried me without asking where I wanted them to go. I was not thinking of minor things like geography just then. I was thinking about life and death and love and the universe. And then suddenly, there I was, by our old tree. Mine and M’s. And what was more, I was not there alone. For there on the branch was a man. A broken man, his head hung low. And that’s when I knew so much more had aligned for us both to be there that night than just my restless feet. It was something that ran much deeper. Much wilder and more alive in my veins than anything else could ever be in this world.

I got so close I could touch him before he realised he wasn’t alone. And when he turned, the relief in his eyes met with mine and we knew we could not be apart again. Not for another day. Not another hour.

‘Er,what?’ Kate exclaimed out loud. She turned a wary frown towards Cora’s picture before sitting up straight to read on.

I agreed there and then to go with him wherever he wanted to go. I no longer cared about anything else. I no longer had the strength to hide my unhappiness and be the woman my mother wants me so desperately to be. I know she meanswell, and her lessons come from a place of love, but my body is not worth preserving if the heart inside it has died. And so we walked back to the house and I picked up my bag. I picked up my wedding dress and my shoes and I left.

I left her a letter to explain and to tell her I love her. M urged me to wait and tell her in person, but he doesn’t know my mother like I. She won’t understand. She’ll need some time before she can accept or forgive this.

I sent just one more letter. An apology to W along with my heartfelt wish that he find a girl much more deserving of him than me. And he will do, I’m sure of it.

M and I walked and talked all night, our need for each other’s company stronger than any need for sleep. We made our plans and our promises. And then first thing this morning we found a little church, far away, where the vicar was happy to marry us. And we stood in front of God and those stones and we said our forever vows. To have and to hold each other, for our whole lives through. For better or worse, now and always.

Now, I belong to M, and he to me. But of course, I no longer have reason to fear writing his name. For today I became Mrs M. Today I so proudly and ecstatically became Mrs William Moreaux.

Kate’s mouth gaped, her eyes as wide as saucers and the diary dropped to her lap. It washim. It had always beenhim. M had been William all along. She’d been wrong abouteverything. This incredible life Cora and William had built, the deep, inspiring love they’d shared, wasn’t built on sensibilities and logical choices; it was built on passion and chance and the bravery to take a leap out of the normal lanes and into the unknown, for what made them feel alive!

Kate’s heart thumped hard in her chest, and she stood up, feeling as though the rug had just been pulled from rightunderneath her. She began to pace tensely from one side of the room to the other, one hand on her hip, the other rubbing the back of her neck. This was a disaster. She couldn’t get her head around it. Her mind began to whirl. What did this mean forher? Cora and William’s story had been the proof she’d been clinging to that she was doing the right thing marrying Lance. That tick boxes and practical compatibilities were the right tools to measure the best future. It had madesense,proof of an already logical argument. But now that proof was gone. It had never even existed. And more than that, what she knewnowseemed to stack proof of the exactopposite.Nowit seemed that Cora and William’s incredible life was built on blind faith and by ignoring all sensibilities entirely.

The enormity of the situation, of everything becoming the polar opposite of what she’d previously trusted in, suddenly overwhelmed her. She sat down feeling lightheaded and tried to calm her reeling thoughts, tried to think straight for just a moment. But then a sound in the hallway made her freeze and look up. It was Sam. He’d paused outside in the hallway. She held her breath and stared at the door, then his steps continued, and she heard the squeak of his door opening and shutting as he retired for the night.

She continued staring at the door for a few moments, her mind whirling in a chaotic tangled mess of contradictions. All the many waves of panic she’d felt about Lance and the wedding that she’d pushed down since he proposed now reared back up, all at once, no longer prepared to be ignored now that the logic she’d used to subdue them was gone. Every decision she’d made for the greater logical good, every internal scream she’d subdued with her silence, every doubt she thought she’d defeated with reason, all came flying back, hitting her in the gut with so much force she had to physically catch her breath.

They flew around and around in her core and her mind, growing faster and louder until they were one big roar of confusion, and suddenly something in Kate snapped. She mentally grabbed hold of the tornado of thoughts and threw them out of her mind with force, leaving just one lone whisper behind. Thetruth.The raw, unspoken truth that she’d never allowed herself to hear. The whispered truth that what she really wanted, what sheneeded, was to do something that was just for herself. Something that wasn’t designed around other people’s expectations or desires. Something she didn’t adapt to fit someone else’s happiness over her own. And as she finally set that desire free, Kate suddenly saw, with stark clarity, that she hadn’t made a choice in her life that was actually for herself in years. The realisation was simple but devastating, and she felt something inside her shift. She felt something awaken.

Slowly, and not entirely sure that she knew what she was doing, Kate walked across the room and opened the door, stepping out into the dark hallway. Light spilled out of her room, throwing just enough glow on Sam’s door for her to make out the grain of the wood. She touched her fingertips to it and felt her pulse quicken in both fear and excitement combined.

What am I doing?she asked herself in despair.

The angel on her shoulder beseeched her to turn back, but the devil rested a hand on the angel’s arm and shook her head.

Something for me, Kate told them calmly.Something entirely for me.

THIRTY-EIGHT

Kate stared thoughtfully across the kitchen at Sam the next morning as she finished up the icing on the chocolate log. She put the spoon in her mouth and savoured the leftover chocolate, trying not to laugh when Sam caught her and his face opened up into incredulous accusation.

‘That’s full-ongross, Miss Hunter,’ he admonished.

‘Why? I’m done – I’m not putting the spoon back on the log,’ she replied in defence.

He grinned and shook his head. ‘Cora would have you shot on the spot. She was always very particular when it came to kitchen hygiene.’

‘Oh yeah?’ Kate kinked an eyebrow and dipped her finger into the spare chocolate icing. ‘And what would she think of this?’

She shot him a mischievous look and then flicked the chocolate over the counter at him. It hit him square on the nose, and she burst out laughing at the shock on his face.

‘Alright,’ he said, nodding with a grim smile. ‘You asked for it.’ He leaped around the counter, diving for the icing, and Kate shrieked, grabbing the bowl and darting out of the way.

Despite the fact she’d not had much sleep, Kate felt a lot better this morning than she had in a while. She hadn’t walked into Sam’s room the night before, realising as she’d stood there in the dark hallway that the thing she needed to do for herself was nothim. Not right then, at least. It had been hard to turn back round, having got so close to giving in. But hard and frustrating as it was, she’d realised she wasn’t prepared to lose her self-respect. Especially not for such a fleeting pleasure as a one-night affair.

No. She knew she needed to do something for herself that would last. Something great. Something worthy. So she’d stayed up long into the night working out exactly what that was and exactly how she was going to get it. And as Christmas morning finally dawned, Kate had the outlines of a plan. A plan of something she could be proud of and that truly excited her.

‘OK, OK, I surrender!’ Sam called, lifting his arms in the air as Kate pelted him mercilessly with leftover sultanas.

‘Really?’ she asked, pausing with a look of suspicion.

Sam thought it over with a tilt of the head and then nodded. ‘Yeah. I could take you, but I’m honestly too tired. Truce?’

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