Page 142 of Only With You

I drag my tongue along my top teeth, forcing air into my lungs. I wished she didn’t notice the little things.

I go back and forth on what I want to say, but I promised her honesty. But only partial because that’s all I can bring myself to say.

“This song brought back memories of Mum.” she grabs my hand and squeezes it. “That’s the truth and please don’t sympathise with me, because I really don’t want it. This song is a reminder of—when I made myself be what my mum needed me to be.”

“And what was what?”

“Invisible.”

The weight of the word wedges between us, confiscating the last bit of oxygen. I feel the emotions, but I shut them down immediately because I don’t want to feel them again. I hate that they’re even back to begin with.

Her hand tightens over mine. I know she’s taking it in and most likely sympathising, feeling sorry, but I don’t want or need it.

“I’m ready to move on.” I push my glasses up the bridge of my nose and bring the spoon to my mouth despite losing my appetite. “Let’s talk about the test you have coming up this week.”

40

LANDON

“Landon?”

I blink, clearing my blurred vision. “What?”

“You’ve dissociated again,” Reid says, his voice gentle. “Why don’t we take a moment to ground ourselves, think of that one thing or person who makes you feel your best and why don’t you tell me what your chain feels like?”

“Cold…solid…weighted…”

My paralyzed, frozen thoughts thaw out as Julianna slowly starts to take every inch of space in my mind.

The small, barely-there crease that indents the right side of her cheek when she smiles. The warmth in her eyes and how they brighten when she slips up and talks about music and teaching. The way her silky, smooth skin feels and glows, whether the sun or moon are out. Her melodic hums and how her delicate fingers move on any surface. But of all the things of her, from her, that wrap around my mind, ground me, drawing me in is her voice and the colours it provokes. That draws in everything that disconnected inside of me back to reality.

I steady my gaze on Reid. Like always, he stares at me patiently and empathetically.

“Do you want to talk about what made you feel that way?”

The tense bubble of silence we were in bursts. There’s a war inside my head, going back and forth about opening up. Logically, there’s nothing to talk about. My feelings are bullshit and I need to cut the noose that keeps pulling me back to my past.

Realistically, I know I need to talk, because said noose is pulling me underwater and I feel like I’m slowly drowning again.

Straightening myself, I sigh. “I felt overwhelmed this weekend, and I’m not sure how to process it. It doesn’t make sense to me because it wasn’t bad.”

It doesn’t make sense, because I’ve always associated feeling overwhelmed with something bad.

That pulls a half smile from him. “And what was it that you were doing this weekend?”

I almost smile when I remember how Julianna took my glasses off and set them on the nightstand when she thought I was asleep. And how her body pillow ended up on the floor and her leg thrown over mine.

“I was with Julianna.”

Reid clicks his tongue and smiles knowingly, then sets his notepad and pen on the table. He knows about the car accident, knows about our mutual hatred over the years, her moving in with the girls, me tutoring her, and somewhat opening up to her.

He stares at me for a beat, like he’s considering how he wants to approach what he wants to say. “Now, don’t shut me out, okay?”

My brows knit. “Okay?”

Leaning forward, he rests his elbows on his knees and interlocks his fingers. He stares and smiles at me the way Jagger would, friendly and relaxed. “Do you think maybe you’re feeling that way because you like her romantically, and you feel like it all happened too fast?”

My back stiffens and breathing becomes shallow. “I, well, I, we…” I brush my fingers across my chain, stumbling over my words.What’s wrong with me? I don’t stutter.

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