Page 22 of Tainted Reasoning

“Why would she kill you?” Nicholas frowns. “She’s happy. She’d love having Tamara as her sister-in-law. She’s seen the attraction between you both since the moment you first met. Wouldn’t surprise me if she’s overly sung your praises to Tamara for matchmaking purposes.”

“It won’t happen,” I reply bluntly. Nicholas puts his brandy down and turns to face me. I won’t look at him, though. If I need to, I’ll shut my eyes, so I don’t have to look directly into his. My fingers are itching to tap or swipe – to start their comforting routine. Nicholas reaches over and takes the brandy from my hand. I instantly bring my hand up to my ear and swipe across it then through my hair. One, two taps on the floor with my foot, and I’m already feeling calmer, but I know Nicholas isn’t going to stop his questioning.

“William, you slept with Tamara?” he questions.

“Yes.”

My brother pauses, and I know he’s trying to find the right words for what he wants to say next.

“Did you hurt her?”

I want to say no – to tell him she enjoyed it as much as I did because her tight little pussy milked me so much I was seeing fucking stars.

“I think so.” Is the only answer I can give. My hands do their routine again.

“How did you hurt her?”

“She’s got a bruised neck and rope burns on her wrists.”

“Shit!” my brother exclaims. “What did she say? After? During? Did she ask you to stop?”

I think back through the entire time we were together. She pleaded and pleaded with me for more. She never once asked me to stop.

“No. She says I’m not a monster.”

“She liked it rough?” my brother questions with an element of shock in his voice. He knows what I like. He’s seen the girls who’ve left my room after I’ve finished with them.

“I…don’t know,” I stammer. I want to hide away, now. I don’t want to continue this conversation. It’s too confusing for me. My mind hurts… my head hurts. Too much.

We pull up the long driveway to the house, and before the car stops, I’m out and running up to my rooms. Nicholas is after me, and I pass Victoria and Tamara on the stairs. They look at me in confusion, but I don’t stop – I need to get to my safe place. My sanctuary. The only place I know I can be me and won’t be judged. Behind me, I hear Victoria call to Nicholas.

“Nicholas what’s wrong?”

“Give me a few minutes,” he replies as his footsteps follow me up the stairs.

I enter my rooms and push the door shut, but I’m not quick enough to lock it before Nicholas uses his strength to force it open. I start to pace the room, and Nicholas tries to pull me to a halt and get me to look at him, but I shove him away.

“William, listen to me. It’s alright. Tamara is fine. If she didn’t tell you to stop, then you did nothing wrong.”

“I strangled her.”

“It can be a part of sex, not all the time, but some people do like it. It doesn’t mean you’re like him.”

We both freeze. The truth of the matter hits us both hard. It’s what we both fear. Have I been so damaged that I’m just the same as our father? Nicholas feared it about himself for so long until Victoria helped him to recognize he’s his own man. But I can’t see that. All I see when I look in the mirror is my father’s reflection staring back out at me. He created the person I am. The freak who pointed a gun at his own father’s head and pulled the trigger. I killed my father, and I don’t have any regrets. No, if I had the chance, I’d do it again. Only next time, I’d make it more painful.

“William?” My brother tries to reach out to touch me, but I push him away.

“You need to leave, Nicholas. Go be with your wife. Protect her and love her. Keep the darkness from consuming you. She’s the key to you staying on the right side.”

“Tamara could be yours,” my brother immediately fires back.

“Monsters don’t fall in love. They exist only to destroy. Tamara’s too innocent to be allowed on my path. I’ll drag her down with me to hell.”

“William, you have to listen to me.”

My brother attempts to grab me for a final time, but I summon all the strength I have and send him flying across the room. My mind has descended into the dark recess where my anxieties mix with the rejection I faced for so many years. I no longer see what can be, only what is. I’m a freak who should continue to be hidden away for the world’s protection.

Picking up a chair, I slam it into the wall beside me. It disintegrates into little pieces of splintered wood. Next comes a chest of drawers. With inhuman strength, I send them flying. Trinkets and pictures smash on the floor.

I’m vaguely aware of Victoria running into the room. She hands something to Nicholas – the only method of subduing the overstimulation and breakdown in me. I stop and stand still waiting for the sharp prick of the hypodermic in my neck, and when it comes, the numbing drugs flow into my body. Before the darkness of a sedated sleep claims me, I look up to see Tamara, standing at the doorway. Her eyes are full of the one thing I never wanted to see in them: sorrow. Despair for what I am, and what I can be.

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