Page 20 of Tainted Reasoning

“And if that mockingbird don’t sing,

Mama’s going to buy you a diamond ring.”

“My mother sang it to me when I couldn’t sleep.” I tell him as the memory of my mother lying on the bed beside me, singing softly, comes to the forefront of my mind. We didn’t have much when I was growing up, just a small room in the attic of the Viscount’s house, but it was all I wanted. I had a mother who loved me, and there was no need for an absent father who never cared about me.

“I’ve not heard it since she sang it the day they took me from her. She was desperate to calm me down. Will you sing it to me when I need you to?”

“Always. You only have to ask.”

William leans forward, and before I have a chance to think, his lips are pressed against mine. His warmth floods through my body, settling the nerves I was feeling, and dissipating the burning sensation of the raw skin on my wrists and neck. I forgive him because I know it’s not his fault. The demons he’s hiding within him will always surface, but there is a trust between us, which gives me hope. I push my body in closer to him and feel his hardness against my hip.

“Take me again.” I say to him, pulling back from our kiss and breathing the words of my desperation into his mouth. He catches them with another kiss and leads us toward his bed. My dressing gown is pushed open, and his hands are on my breasts, cupping the flesh over my gossamer bra. I need rid of my clothes. My skin is sensitive – it feels like I need to climb out of it just to get relief.

“Please,” I wantonly whimper, and William removes my dressing gown from me. Then lowering my bra, he pulls a nipple into his mouth and teases it. I’m writhing under him. Wanting…needing…hoping. Then our eyes meet, and I see terror there in William’s – it damn near rips my heart in two. I push him away when he goes to trail a path of kisses lower down my body.

“Stop,” I tell him, and he regards me in confusion.

“What’s wrong?”

I sit up on the bed and wrap my dressing gown around myself. William sits next to me.

“You believe you’re a monster.”

“Tamara, please.”

“You have to believe it’s not true. Tell me what was going on in your head. What made you look so scared?”

“I can’t.”

“Please. Trust me.”

He goes silent, and I see a lone tear tumble down his cheek.

“I’ll kill you,” he finally says.

“What?”

“I’ll forget one day how to be good and will kill you.”

The words slam into my chest like a ton of bricks. I can barely breathe at his revelation because from his perspective, he believes it’s the truth. He can’t see the good man he truly is. This is no way to start a relationship, no matter the attraction between us.

“You can’t do this, can you? Sex with me again?” I ask, and he shakes his head.

“I’m sorry. I thought I could. You were singing the song to me that my mother used to. It was beautiful, but I think I need you as a friend more than I do a lover. I’ve barely been free for more than a few months, and everything is alien to me. I’ve never been out to a fast food joint, or been to a club, a pub, or the cinema. Even cars scare the life out of me. All of my knowledge has been learned via television and books. I’m far from normal, and I fear I never will be. I need to find out what this world is about, first. I have to rid it of my father’s evil, help Nicholas establish his place as the leader of the Oakfield Society, and bring the family name into the fresh, pure daylight of a new dawn. I have to repay my brother for all he’s done to help me over the years, and I owe it to Victoria as well. She suffered because Nicholas was protecting me to the point he was torn in two directions, trying to save us both. I’m too consumed by these four walls and the horrors that have occurred within them, at the moment. Starting a relationship with me would only destroy you, and I don’t know if I could have another person’s suffering on my conscience. I’m sorry. As you can see, my dick wants you so badly I don’t think he’s ever going to go back down, but my brain, however fucking mis-wired it is, tells me I need to venture out and discover the world first.

I wipe away the tears that have started falling down my cheeks while William was speaking. They are not tears of remorse at being rejected by him but ones of pride for his bravery.

“Too much, too soon.” I look around the room. “I can’t begin to imagine what it was like being confined within this small space and the room next door for so long. I don’t know what the future holds, but when this is over with the society if you still want me as a physical companion, just let me know. Until then, we are friends, and I’ll help you, Nicholas, and Victoria in any way I can. You have demons you need to slay, and I’ll be there to fight them with you, should you want me at your side. All you have to do is ask.”

I slide from the bed and leaning forward, I press a chaste kiss to William’s cheek.

“Just remember this William Cavendish, Earl of Lullington…you saved my best friend…you saved your brother…and you fought the devil who imprisoned and tortured you for most of your life…and you won. You beat the demon on the outside, now, all you have to do is slay the ones in your mind, and free yourself forever.”

I pull my dressing gown all the way around me and leave William alone with his thoughts. Today has been emotional, to say the least. My body sags with exhaustion the second I get back to my room. Thoughts of my mother’s betrayal, Victoria’s pregnancy, Viscount Hamilton’s continued denial of his part in his daughter’s treatment, and the fight continuously raging inside William’s head, all run through my mind. However, one thought lingers in my head as I shut my eyes to sleep – Father. Nicholas will be a father soon, William’s father mistreated him badly, Victoria’s nearly destroyed her, but I’ve never known my father and maybe it’s time I tried to find out who he is…

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