Page 19 of Tainted Reasoning

Chapter Eight

Tamara

Iknew what had happened to him was dark, but I’d not expected something like this. His first sexual encounter had shaped him into the man I’d allowed between my thighs no more than an hour ago.

“Your father was a bad man.” I finally speak, the words quivering on my lips.

“I know. I saw much more than anyone realizes.” He looks toward his bedroom wall, indicating to where I already know passages reside, hidden behind the ornately decorated walls of the hall. “I kept to the shadows. I wanted to see if I really was a monster, or if what my father taught me to do was normal. One night, when I knew Nicholas had a woman with him, I watched them together, adding voyeur to my palette of skills when it comes to sexual matters. He had the woman tied up and was taking her hard. She screamed for more, so he pulled out and used a flogger to beat her. I thought it was normal. I didn’t understand about BDSM and the experimental nature of my brother’s encounter. I just presumed that in order to get off, I needed to stop the girl from breathing or beat her, and so it became my norm. I wanted to warn you properly, but I lost my mind. You intoxicated me with your beauty, and I’m sorry.”

“William, please.” I slide from the bed. I’m confused. I’m listening to a man tell me he’s been programmed to beat a woman to enjoy sex. His father really did a number on him. The man hated his son so much, and knowing William’s autistic tendencies would make him susceptible to the depravation, the former Duke rejoiced. I’d studied a case at university relating to a murderer who was on the autism spectrum. He’d been taught it was normal to kill, and his brain couldn’t distinguish between right and wrong because of his learned behavior. He struggled with the concept that taking another life was wrong because it was routine to him. The victim had annoyed him, and murder was the automatic response he’d learned from his father. The man had been found not guilty, in the end, on the grounds of reduced capacity but was indefinitely detained for his and the public’s safety. It’s different from the sexual behaviors the Duke subjected William to, but fundamentally, the principle is the same. William was taught it was right to abuse women during sex. He only realized it was wrong when he became aware of how people from the outside world treated the opposite sex, but by then it was too late. There is a darkness in William, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to rid him of it, but he excites me, and I want to get to know him better even if I’m playing with fire.

“William.” I kneel before him and place my hands on his thighs. He still can’t look at me, but I know this is not simply about guilt, it is also related to his autism, so I don’t push him. The stimulations he’s experienced today must be leaving him in a whirlwind of emotions, and I don’t want to heighten his senses further. I just need him to know I understand. “I need you to listen to me.”

“Ok.”

“Hold your hands out.”

“What?” I’m watching him and see a line of confusion mark his forehead while he still keeps his eyes focused elsewhere.

“Hold your hands out for me.”

Lifting them up slowly, his fists are tightly clenched, showing the white of his knuckles, which protrude from his shaking hands.

“Open your hands.” I tell him. At first, he doesn’t move, so I bring my hands up and rest them on the top of his. “Please.”

Gradually, he opens them but continues to hold them rigid, guarding against the demons his brain is fighting at the moment.

“Shake your hands.”

“Tamara...” he starts to protest, and I begin to shake my own hands floppily above his.

“Please,” I almost whisper, pulling my hands back, so I can see his. They remain still for another minute before he gradually starts to shake them. I move my arms out to my side, shaking my hands again before I take the movement up to my arms and shoulders. “Now your arms.”

He stops briefly and then starts to shake his arms around. I get to my feet.

“You know what’s next?” I question.

He pushes up off his chair. “I’m guessing this.” William shakes his legs, and I giggle.

“Feet, toes, arms, legs, hips, head.” I shake every part of my body. “Loosen up everything. Take away the stress and the worry.”

“And look like a complete dork while doing it.”

“Not at all.”

I take William’s hands in mine, and he allows me to shake him while we dance all around the room. We must do our crazy little jig for a couple of minutes before I get short of breath and stop. William’s eyes meet mine for the first time since our first kiss – I can see the sorrow and fear in them. They flick down to my chest, and when I look down, I realize my dressing gown has come loose, and the bra I’m wearing underneath is showing. Though his eyes lift back to mine with lust, the trepidation still remains. I go to speak, but nothing comes out at first until a melody I’ve not heard in a long time enters my head and flows out from my mouth.

“Hush, little baby, don’t say a word,

Mama’s going to buy you a mocking bird.”

William gasps.

“My mother.”

I stop singing, realizing instantly what he’s trying to say.

“She sang it to me as a baby. It was the only song that calmed me.” He brings his hand up to the bridge of my nose and allows the tip of his finger to run down it.

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