Page 7 of Until I Have You

She’s all I have.

New York was supposed to be a fresh start.Take the capital I had personally set aside from years of running Wallington Limited and start something new, away from London, away from my reputation as a cock-up.

Can’t bloody well be a fresh start if I don’t have a daughter to do this all for.

I take a sharp turn into the godforsaken “Shark Tunnel,” a dark blue lit tunnel-shaped aquarium that bends overhead and allows patrons to walk under the shadows of hammerheads.

Unsettles the bloody hell out of me, but earlier, Bonnie was bubbling with laughter, following a shadow down the length of the corridor.

I gulp back tears that threaten to spill outward.I’m so fucking furious with myself.

Why did I turn away?Why did I think she was following me out of the penguin exhibit?

I should have checked.Should have known she’d be totally immersed and distracted.But when I went back, she was already gone.

Her laugh bubbles.

Is it a hallucination?Or real?

I turn on my heels and look through the busy tunnel, trying to spot Bonnie through the veil of other aquarium goers.

Someone behind me growls, “Excuse me,” and I sidestep without breaking my concentration.

A triple decker buggy, a device I didn’t even know existed, swings by me in an angry hurry, pushed by a dad who clearly needs a pint, followed by his wife who needs a two-week vacation.

The laugh comes again.

My body lurches toward the sound, though I can’t see her.

However, I can feel her.

People assume fathers don’t have the same physical connection with their children because they didn’t carry them for nine months, but I do.

Since the second she arrived, a part of me was ripped out from me and attached to her, and to lose her would be to lose myself in such a profound way.

The man with the triple decker buggy shuffles his wife and children out of the way, through the tunnel entrance.With him, there is an exodus of movement, people exiting until all that remains is a little brown-haired girl with blueandpurple ribbons in her hair with her nose pressed up against the glass flanked by a crouching redheaded woman.

“Bonnie?”I cry out.

Bonnie turns toward me, her hair whipping through the air.

The second her eyes land in mine, her already smiling face explodes with sunshine.“Daddy!”

I only manage a few more steps before I drop to my knees to receive her in my arms.

She fits against my chest so perfectly, unlike any other person on earth, and her warmth reminds me I am not alone.I have not lost her.I am still bloody alive.Still alive.“Oh my god, why did you–” I kiss the side of her head, too overcome with emotion.“Why did you disappear?”

“Why didyoudisappear?”She pouts.

“I didn’t mean to disappear, love, I’m sorry.”I hold back a swell of tears that threatens to spill.I get a look at her face which is not tearful or scared whatsoever.I push some baby hairs off her forehead and smile.“You all right?”

“Yes, I’m okay.I mean, I was scared, and I was crying, but then this lady helped calm me down, and she was telling me about–” Bonnie stops, her eyes going wide.“Did youknowhammerhead sharks use their head to pin their prey against the sea floor?Like a hammer!”

I try not to outwardly cringe at the morbid information.“Is that so?What a…what a fact.”

“Abigail told me that!”

I pause.

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