Page 105 of Until I Find You

“So, I took all of that confusion and instead of wrapping it up in my identity, I threw myself into my studies and into guys.”

There’s an unfair pull in my belly, jealousy over men that are no longer in her life.

“And I had a college sweetheart by sophomore year. Mike. As white bread as they come. Country clubbers from Connecticut.”

“Oh god, yeah that’ll do it.”

Camilla laughs.

I relish it. I’m worried it will be the last time I make her do that.

She sighs. “I planned my life with him. We were going to get married after we graduated, and I’d move with him to Connecticut and immediately abandon everything I’d worked for to have his babies.”

I suck in a breath.

“Doesn’t seem like me, right?”

“Not the Camilla I know.”

She nods, a few curls bobbling. “Right. Well, the night I thought he was going to propose, he broke up with me. Said I was too clingy. That I didn’t have a personality.”

“Fuck him.”

“No, he was right.Hewas my personality,” Camilla says. “And it broke my heart bad. But I thought, fine, then my life is going to be a big fuck you to that white picket fence dream with the two and a half kids or whatever.”

I smile to myself.

“And the fuck you turned into a life I really liked, working at CipherBit. And eventually Mike faded into the background.” She looks at me, her gaze hardened and intent. “But the feeling that I needed to know me before I could invite anyone into my life didn’t.”

I scratch my cheek, a nervous tic. “You invited me in.”

“Yeah, I did, you’re right. And that was…”

Please don’t say, a mistake. I can’t have you thinking I’m a mistake.

She smiles. “I’m glad I did. You’ve made me stronger.”

Yes!

“But I didn’t think I’d have to let anyone else in any time soon,” Camilla says, her voice turning to a whisper.

I look down at the tips of my shoes. “We don’t know for sure, yet.”

“I know, but I have a feeling I’m not wrong.”

Slow, so she has time to draw away, I lower my hand by my side and guide it toward her side. To my relief, she takes it, and we stand there, holding hands for a long time.

“If you are, you don’t have to keep it,” I say, as much as it breaks my heart. “I mean, we know as well as anybody what it does when you feel unwanted.”

“That’s just the thing, Jack, I’m not scared for lack of wanting.” Her eyes glint with tears. “You think I wouldn’t want to have a baby with you?”

All the heaviness lifts. “I wasn’t sure.”

Camilla turns into me, wraps her arms around my waist, and presses her head against my chest.

I hold her back, hard, kissing the side of her head.

“There’s no one I would rather have a baby with,” she says into me. “I’m just so scared that I’m not ready. That I won’t be good enough.”

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