Page 9 of Risking it All

“But I should have,” Dad bit back. “Macie and I fought that night. I had this feeling in my gut she shouldn’t go to that basketball game by herself. I told her to go with a friend, with her brother—I told her I would take her and drop her off, but she was damned determined to go by herself. Then I failed her again, because I never taught her to be street smart, to not trust every person she meets. We don’t know much about what happened that night, but we know she willingly got out of her car and into the line of fire. Their car hit her from behind at an isolated intersection and she never had one fleeting thought that she could be in danger. I failed her by not teaching her how to defendherself or how to see trouble coming, and I canneverforgive myself for that.”

“You need to let that go,” Isaiah said. “She was wrong place, wrong time.”

“I can’t let it go!” Dad fumed. “Loving her, protecting my family is the only job that means anything to me, and I failed her that night.”

Silence from the kitchen, then Mom said, “You’re a good father, Noah.”

“I wish I felt that way. I wish I had done a better job preparing her for the real world. I want the old Macie back, even the one who fought me every step of the way.”

A part of me wished I could disappear into oblivion, everyone forgetting I existed because then no one would be in pain.

“Ariel said that yesterday Macie asked her to give a friend a ride home,” Rachel announced, and my head tilted with that news.

The tapping of Dad pacing went silent and there was a hopefulness in Mom’s voice as she said, “What did you say?”

“Macie asked Ariel to give a friend a ride home from school yesterday. Ariel said it’s someone Macie wasn’t close with before, so this is a massive step forward for Macie. Leaps and bounds. We’re all hurting, but we’re missing the big picture. Sheisimproving. Not as fast as any of us want, but in her own way, in her own time.”

“Great,” Dad sounded disappointed. “Macie inviting more strangers into her life without knowing them.”

“Ariel knew the friend,” Rachel redirected. “So, it wasn’t a complete stranger. She’s going to meet strangers, Noah, and not all of them will be bad.”

“That does make me feel better to hear.” Mom’s relief made my muscles relax. “Now, we need to get her to want to leave the house.”

“Would you let her go if she wanted?” Isaiah asked. “You must admit that if Macie did go, it would scare the shit out of you. It has to be a comfort having her in your sight.”

“I’d roll out the red carpet,” Mom responded. “I’ll take the fear knowing that maybe she was finding herself. I would do anything for her to be happy again.”

“Noah,” Isaiah pressed. “You’re on the same page, right? You want Macie happy again.”

“I’m settling for safe. She’s fragile. All of you have to see it. I’d settle for her opening up and not hiding inside herself. Seeing her so damn breakable and vulnerable is killing me. I don’t know how much more I can take.”

“You’ll take as long as she needs,” Isaiah said. “Because that’s the type of man you are.”

“God’s asking too much of me,” Dad muttered, and I withered.

I hated hurting them. Hated it more than the pain inside me.

As silently as I could, I stood and retreated to my room. Ariel followed and she gently closed the door behind her. I paced, just like Dad.

“They’re venting,” Ariel said. “If they knew you were listening, they’d never say any of those things.”

“And that’s exactly why I listen. They’re saying exactly how they feel…how I’m hurting them. How I’m disappointing them.” I pressed my hands to my heart, to where it felt like I was tearing in half.

Ariel rested her back against the door. “You’re not hurting them. They hurt for you. There’s a difference.”

“But if I could turn back to how I was before, then they wouldn’t hurt at all.” I dropped to the floor, feeling absolutely miserable because as much as I wanted it, I knew I wouldn’t cry. Crying eluded me. Just like speaking about February. “What do I do, Ariel? How do I make it all better?” How did I make me better?

Ariel joined me on the floor, wrapped her arms around me, and rested her head on my shoulder. “You’re going to be okay, Macie. I promise.”

I loved hearing the words, but it wasn’t a promise she could keep. “If this was a year ago, six months ago, would I have gone to the party Relic invited me to?”

“Nope, and neither would Gianna, but she’s changed. I would have gone, though.”

“What’s a party at Brayden Gentry’s like?” I asked.

“Like you’d imagine. Some people drinking. Some people get high. Most everyone is loud and obnoxious. Some will play a drinking game. Some will make out.”

“What do you find fun about stuff like that?”

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