Page 50 of Born to Make You Smile

I wanted him so badly it was overwhelming.

But we couldn’t do this. I remembered how quickly he pulled away. How he got up and left. How much he regretted the kiss.

We were too different. There was too much at stake for both of us.

I sighed with hopelessness, then decided to cope in my usual way with some poetry writing. However, I couldn’t seem to find my book. I searched high and low in all the places I thought it would be. My room. On my desk, next to my bed. My tote bag.

Oh no, where was it?

My brain went dizzy, trying to remember all the places my poetry book would be. Sometimes I carried it with me. Maybe it had fallen out of my bag at one point? What if a patient found it? What if it was lost forever?

I had copies of all my poems, but it was the book itself I was most sad about losing. The beautiful, personalized book Gavin had gifted me.

Maybe it was a sign. Everything in that book, my deepest feelings, and all my poems were tarnished and cursed.

Then it occurred to me… What if Gavin found it? What if he decided to read the poems inside? What if he figured out they were about him?

The horror.

I’d much rather the book be gone forever than to have Gavin ever read those deeply personal and private poems.

***

With the tres leche cake in hand, I arrived at Dorina’s condo. Making the cake yesterday had been a good way to get my mind off the events that transpired. I shook the memories of the forbidden kiss away as the door opened, unsure if I wanted to tell Dorina.

“Happy twenty-third birthday, darling!” I exclaimed, but my excitement faded when I noticed the frown on her face.

“What’s going on?”

She moved aside to let me in. “Let’s sit.”

“So,” she said with a sigh as we had a seat on her couch, “I found out about your littlenight job.”

She crossed her arms over her chest with an unimpressed look.

I sank into the couch cushions as blood rushed to my cheeks. She was definitely mad. Hurt. Disappointed.

“Why didn’t you tell me? Why would you keep that secret from me? I’m your best friend!”

“I don’t know.” I grabbed a throw pillow and held it to my chest. “I figured you’d be upset. And you’d worry…”

She shook her head. “I am upset. And worried.”

“I’m so sorry,” I said with a wince. “How did you find out?”

“Ashna came into the salon the other day. She was talking about the club and mentioned you in conversation.”

“Oh shit. I forgot you were her hairdresser.”

“Are things that bad that you needed another job?”

I nodded. “Yeah. Plus, your sister said they needed a bartender and server. It was the perfect opportunity.”

She scoffed. “I’m pissed with Van too. She didn’t say a word to me. I just don’t get it. There are so many bars in Toronto. Why would you choose to work at a sketchy sex club?”

“It’s actually not sketchy at all,” I said. “The club’s pretty awesome. It’s run by women, and they treat me well.”

She flashed me a dubious glance. “What about the skeevy men they let in?”

---