Page 80 of Quiet Chaos

My hand rubs my stomach and I smile. Even after all the long days, Cade still wakes in the middle of the night to pleasure and capture a release, and I’m doing the same. Now all we need to do is keep it up, and I’m sure I’ll be heavy with child in no time.

***

Several weeks go by before I hear from the doctor. The news isn’t good. It seems my pap test came back with abnormal results. I make an appointment the following week for a colposcopy, which is a close examination of my cervix, to collect tissue samples for additional analysis. Part of the preparation is to refrain from sex a day or two prior to the exam, so I inform Cade of a regular checkup and leave out everything else. He’s busy, so there’s no need to tell him anything until there’s something to tell. This time, I leave Armstrong at home because my nerves are shot. Not only am I terrified of having the procedure, but also the possibility of never getting pregnant.

When I arrive, I’m stuck in the waiting room for half an hour, which makes me anxious. I don’t want to get home too late and have Cade eat leftovers. He deserves a fresh, home-cooked meal. My mind diverts to his needs to deflect thoughts of my situation. I can’t think of anything going wrong. It’s important I remain strong. Giving into ‘what if’s’ will have me crashing into a sea of emotions.

It isn’t long after when they call me into the room, where I change and get on the table. The doctor comes in, explains the procedure, and begins. It’s unpleasant, yet I’ll do anything to make sure we can start a family.

The doctor cuts into my thoughts. “I’m going to take a sample for biopsy.”

It’s a little more painful than I expected. When he’s done, he tells me to sit up while he takes off his gloves. As suggested, I brought a sanitary pad in case I bleed.

“I’ll be sending the biopsy to the lab, which normally takes four to six weeks, but I’ll put a rush on it.”

I fiddle with my hands, my face sagging from fear. “Is there a problem?”

“I don’t want us to get ahead of ourselves until the biopsy comes back. The solution I added into your cervix highlighted some suspicious cells.” He pats my knee. “Let’s wait for the biopsy before we worry. It will tell us what grade and whether you need additional testing, a procedure, or wait it out.”

Here, all I wanted was to dismiss the idea there’s something wrong. The wordssuspiciousandcancer cellsfloat around my mind. Does this mean I have cancer? Will I ever be able to have children? Will Cade not want me anymore if I can’t get pregnant? Cade. How am I going to tell him about the appointment? The appointment I kept secret from him. I’m struck with fear and sorrow that I can’t ask the doctor questions. Tears drip onto my lap and I wipe them away, using the back of my hand.

The doctor puts his hand on my shoulder and says, “Sky, let’s not worry about it right now. We’ll wait for the results. Did someone come with you?” I shake my head. Deadened thoughts swirl around, silencing anything else he says.

“Would you like a nurse to call someone for you?”

I look at his concerned face and let out a faintno.

At the nurse’s station, they give me some pamphlets regarding the different grades of abnormal cells and the treatments. I thank them and begin my walk home. I have some cramping and bleeding, although I ignore it. It’s nothing compared to the growing distress. Before I get home, I must pull myself together. I’m not ready to say anything to Cade. Besides, the biopsy isn’t back yet. That’s right, pretend everything is fine. Cade is too busy to hear about something which might be nothing.

I’m home before him, allowing me enough time to prepare dinner. It’s still warm with a slight breeze, so I sit outside and wait for him. I close my eyes, trying to focus and put the procedure out of my mind. Cade is standing beside my chair.

I take his hand in mine. “Hey, Love. How was work?”

He bends down to bring our hands to his lips for a kiss. “Okay.”

Cade helps me up so I can get dinner ready. He follows behind.

I suggest, “Why don’t you get comfortable?”

While he’s in the bedroom, I offer some cooked ground beef to Armstrong. I give the meal another good mix and dish it out. We eat in silence, but today it’s awkward. Or maybe it’s because I’m keeping a secret. Cade makes sure we have the basic comforts in life, so the least I can do is refrain from adding more pressure to his already hectic days.

He snaps me out of my thoughts when he asks, “How was the doctor’s appointment?”

“Okay. Sore so we can’t do much for a few days.” Cade’s face looks distressed. “I’m sorry, Cade, but we have to—”

“Sky, I don’t care about that.” Annoyance drips from his tone. “I care about why you’re sore.”

I concentrate on his ear to avoid his eyes, yet not being obvious. “It’s normal after these types of routine tests.” The waiting and the lies will eat me alive.

He stares, trying to detect if I’m being honest, and then his shoulders relax. My hand touches his cheek. Cade is handsome, even with dark circles under his eyes. He works so hard for this home, for me, and the club. No, it’s best I keep my secret. Once I find out it’s serious, I’ll mention it to him. Until then, it’s my job to create a drama-free home. To take care of the house, his lunches, and have a good meal for him when he gets home.Cade looks out for everyone else. We’re married now, and I’ll do anything to make his life easier.

34

“Here’s to alcohol: the cause of, and the answer to all of life’s problems.” Matt Groening

Cade – July 2020

Bombarded by work orders from June, I’m looking forward to celebrating the fourth at the club. I’m going to eat, drink, close my eyes and listen to the kids running around, my brothers interacting, and my wife on my lap. This will make my day. And then at night, we’ll watch the colorful explosions in the sky. It gets me every year as we stare upward, kids screeching andoohingandaahingwhile we tuck away the dogs from the noises. Fortunately, fireworks don’t bother Armstrong, but he wants to be nearby.

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