Page 85 of Lightness In My Dark

Wren kneeled in front of me, her hand on my knee, and said, “It’s going to be all right.”

Shaking my head in my hands, tears dripping on the ground, I told her it wasn’t all right. “None of this is all right. I just puked and shit myself.” My head lifted to look at her. “I don’t know if I can do this.”

She took one of my hands in both of hers and kissed all over it as she spoke. “I’ve been there with humiliation, and I won’t tell you not to be. But I’m here for you. You can do this because we’re in it together.” The backs of her fingers brushed my cheek. “You’re the strongest man I’ve ever met, Finn. Life dealt you some hard blows and you have overcome them. You can and will overcome your addiction. I will be with you every step of the way.”

Her forehead met mine. She cupped the sides of my face in her hands as I held onto her wrists. She kissed the fallen tears, the ones still waiting to fall, and the dried streaks. Her mouth covered mine, petal soft, wet from pain.

“I’m not going anywhere, Finn. You can yell and try to push me away, but you’re stuck with me.”

I breathed in mucus and wiped the rest away with my arm. Wren brought clothes for me to wear, kissed the top of my head, and disappeared. The whole day zapped my energy. After dressing, I fell into bed, my eyes unable to remain open.

Over the course of the first days, my withdrawals hung on hard. The vomiting and diarrhea dissipated, but I couldn’t stop sweating, heart pounding, and my irritability swelled. Fevers also came and went with lows and highs.

No matter how much I yelled at Wren, she remained composed, which only pissed me off more. She continued giving me the herbs, adding Passionflower to help with insomnia and nervousness.

I had been in bed, shaking from fever and sweats, my darkness creeping back in when I thought I buried it forever.

“Shut up, you little asshole. The more you move, the more it will hurt.”

Hands tied to the bedposts, I sobbed into the mattress, feeling his fingers open my butt cheeks. He whispered, “Ah, look at that small, puckered asshole. I can’t wait to make you mine.” A coldness hit my hole, fingers smearing around and in. “You’re so tight.” He pushed two fingers inside, stretching me. I cried out for him to stop. “You’re crying makes my dick harder.” More coldness… fingers… and a sharp pressure as he pushed his penis into my backend. I bucked my hips but stopped when I drove him in further. My head shook… quick breaths. He lifted my hips until I was kneeling, entering my butt, his other hand stroking my erection. Repulsed by my body’s reaction to his touch, I wiggled my hips to dislodge him.

“Please don’t.” My body shook, and I flailed my hands to fight him away. “I promise I’ll be good.”

“Shh, everything will be fine.”

“No!”

I swung my fist and connected it with his face, except it wasn’t his face. Cole held me down, screaming at me to wake, and when I did, Wren was holding a hand over her eye. Beads of sweat dripped into my bugged-out eyes, my breathing short and rapid. I didn’t know what was going on.

Cole’s steady voice helped regulate my breathing. “Everything is fine, Finn. You’re okay. No one is going to hurt you. I won’t ever let that happen.”

He knew the hallucination I had and released me. I scooted into a seated position, knees bent, head hanging low. My crying and shaking wouldn’t stop.

Cole rubbed my back and remained silent. Nothing he or anyone else said could relieve me of that fucker’s hands, his dick, his angry whispers to keep still. His violation will forever haunt me when I lose control, and I realized then that my addiction made me lose control.

After a few minutes, Cole went into the kitchen, and I heard them talking low.

Cole said, “Let me see.” There was a pause. “We need to put some ice on it.”

The freezer opened, a crunching of ice, and it slammed shut. I walked in to see Cole putting an ice pack on Wren’s eye. My confusion turned to clarity, and I took long strides toward Wren. She flinched as I removed the ice pack and noticed the red.

I covered my mouth, tears streaming down my face. “I did that?”

Wren put her hands on my shoulders, running them down my arms. “It’s okay, Finn. You were having a nightmare. It’s going to be all right.”

“Stop saying that! It’s not all right!” I pointed at her face. “Look what I did!”

She pulled me flush with her, craning her neck to look at me. “I’m going to be fine. It’s a little red.” My body trembled in her arms. She laid kisses on my chest. “Please don’t worry. This will all go away.”

I instinctively hugged her tight, closed my eyes, wishing none of this had happened. “I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.”

“There’s nothing to forgive.”

We remained holding on for dear life until she broke away. She pressed the backside of her hand to my forehead with a frown and took my hand.

“We need to lower that fever.”

She drew a warm Epsom salt bath, and I lowered in. Wren used a sponge to wipe my arms and face, smiling at me, trying to lighten all that’s happened. My God, she was an extraordinary woman. After how I handled her at the start, and what I put her through, she still found a way to cushion the blows. She helped me breathe easier, smile, unwind, and cherish my time with her. Wren becamemo chuisle, my pulse. My life, and from that moment on, I swore I’d never let her go.

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