Page 105 of Old Acquaintances

“You know what I mean.” I shrug. “I’m the outlier.”

“No, we don’t know what you mean because we don’t think of you like that.” She widens her eyes at Tucker, silently asking him something.

He exhales. “No, it’s my fault. I fucked up, I’m the one who should step back.”

My reason for wanting to never see him again is only half his fault. If I didn’t love him, I could be ambivalent, too.

I respond softly, “Notallyour fault.”

Ritchie stands and collects his and Wyatt’s plates. “Look, we’ve still got two more days here. Let’s not write off you guys working it out in that time. Let’s just keep having a good time and we’ll deal with the next trip when the time comes.” He stops me when I try to get up and help with the dishes. “Don’t you dare. Sit right there, birthday girl.”

I sit quietly at the table, avoiding their eyes as everyone quietly collects the dishes.

“You okay, Ell?” Serena asks when just the two of us are left outside.

No.

My heart hurts. It’s hurt for a long time.

“Ella?” Serena bends down and grips my knees. “Babe, what’s wrong? You’re crying.”

I wipe away the tears and suck in air. “I wish everything was different.”

I think about what I could have done differently and if that would have kept him. I could have prevented myself from falling in love with Tucker and he wouldn’t have had to change. I should have said he was my friend from the get-go. I could have never fought with him or argued or kicked him in the balls. I shouldn’t have dressed provocatively, maybe then he wouldn’t have kissed me on the cruise that first time. I shouldn’t have told him I wanted our prom night to be a date and I shouldn’t have asked him to have sex with me. He would have been the equivalent of Johnny. He would have come to see me in the hospital.

It’s not your fault.

My inner voice calls bullshit.

Everything between us always happened like a mirror. In a vacuum. I moved, he moved, and the rest of the world didn’t exist. We shared so much with each other that the overlap became a separate entity and that’s how I thought of him. We told our families, “You don’t understand our relationship.” Because they couldn’t. It didn’t have a label or a box to fit into, but it was a consistent presence, a tangible history, that only he and I could see, hear, feel. We became what we are now together.

My phone was crushed in the accident. In the hospital, I thought maybe he was trying to call me, but he couldn’t reach me. I begged Johnny to call him.

“He knows, Ella.” Johnny patted my arm. “He hopes you get better real soon.”

I threw up. The doctors said it was from the medication, but I knew better.

Tucker wouldn’t have patted me on the arm. He wouldn’t have floated outside of my orbit. He would have held me to him, flush against his body, trying to take away all of the pain. He would have anchored me, grounded me. He would have told me I was perfect, even with my scars and bruises, and I wouldn’t have needed another thing. I’d finally be safe.

I waited. I cried. I got a new phone and sent him a message:where have you been?He didn’t answer.

Serena runs her hand down my head. “I know what this is about.” Of course, she would know who these tears were for.

“Who is he?” I whine.

“He’s a little different, I guess.”

I drop my voice. “I don’t want him to be different, I want him thesame.”

“Things aren’t always that simple.”

“That’s not fair!”

Serena stands. “Okay. Let’s go sit by the water. We need to talk.”

We walk, arm in arm, down the wooden planks, to the smooth, quiet ocean. I sit cross-legged on the edge of the dock, and she sits beside me, dangling her toes in the water.

“Look, I’m not supposed to tell you this,” she begins. “But I think I know why Tucker’s kept his distance.”

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