Page 12 of Pretty Broken Promises

Benji has a huge smile across his face as he reaches me, and for a moment he’s all I see. The crowd of friends and family and the ceaseless droning of their conversation fade away and all that exists in this moment is Benji and I. His joy is infectious. “You did it!” I squeal and jump into his outstretched arms.

He spins me around, and it’s these moments with him that I treasure most. This is why when the darkness consumes me, I reach for him. He’s the light guiding me to a safe harbor. I can only hope I offer something equally as beneficial to him. For some dumb reason, the thing he wants from me is my heart. I’m a little afraid it’s no longer mine to give him.

As much as I try to fight it, I do still love Ford. I shouldn’t, that’s been made very clear to me on numerous occasions. There’s not a damn thing he’s done in years to inspire that kind of feeling, in fact, he’s actively discouraged it, and yet for some reason, my dumb heart refuses to let him go.

I still go weak in the knees when he turns his hazel eyes on me, even though he only looks at me for seconds at a time. I find myself hoping every day he’ll show me any kind of attention, and acting as if I couldn’t care less. The one thing I can’t do is let him know how hurt I am by his coldness. While I might wish things could have been different, I also can’t open myself up again to the pain loving him brings me.

The other day Ford tried to convince me we were meant to be together, but he didn’t tell me he loves me. It’s possible he thinks he does, but I don’t think he really understands what it means to love someone other than himself. Either way, words are just sounds without actions to back them up.

If I’ve learned nothing else in my relationship with Ford it’s this, love makes you blind and stupid. What other reason makes us so willing to hand over our future happiness to a person we don’t even choose logically, but because they make various parts of our body tingle? I don’t understand why my choosing to marry a man who I do love for all the right reasons is wrong because he fails to illicit some involuntary responses. Loving Ford has only brought me pain, now I’m choosing to love what is good for me.

Benji continues to hold me in his arms, and I don’t put space between us after a few moments like I have in the past. Between this and continuing to wear the ring, he’s growing more confident in my acceptance. I can see the intention in his eyes to kiss me, the way they flick from my lips to my eyes and back. That spurs a flutter in my belly, not a riot of butterflies, but it’s at least a stirring. It’s not like this would be the first time we’ve kissed recently, and it is getting more enjoyable the more familiar it feels.

Unfortunately, it’s not enough to make me forget that somewhere in the crowd Ford is watching. I’ll admit, there’s a dark part inside of me that likes that he’s being forced to witness this. I can even hope it stings. It’s petty, and toxic, which I guess is so very us.

I should stop this, because though Ford might deserve to see it, Benji doesn’t deserve to be used this way. I won’t turn away from him though. So when he leans forward to kiss me, I close my eyes and give myself over to it. The only problem is it’s not Benji I’m kissing, at least not in my head.

When the kiss ends the fantasy dissolves, and guilt consumes me. My only saving grace is that Benji is clueless as to what just went down in my head. No matter what other feelings linger in my heart for Ford, I do love Benji, and I will endeavor to make sure he never feels anything less. It’s possible to love more than one person at a time.

He sets me back on my feet, and the world comes rushing back in one loud whoosh. Benji shakes his head, amused at my moment of confusion. Gently, he strokes my cheek. “I love how you can push everything out until nothing else exists.”

“That’s not true.” I stretch up and press my lips against his. There’s no hidden agenda to this kiss, but more importantly, there’s no one else I’m picturing either. “There’s me, and there’s you. No one and nothing else matters.”

He swallows. “I’m going to miss you, baby doll. If you need me, you call me.” He strokes the scars on my wrists I try to keep hidden. The ones I made in weak moments when life got too overwhelming. “Before it gets to this point. I know you think you lean on me too much, but I need you too. Take care of yourself, if not for you, then do it for me.”

I nod. I’ll try, but I won’t make promises I don’t know if I can keep. “Is it time?” I ask, changing the subject. I can see members of his team moving to the buses.

He pulls me close again and kisses me on the forehead. “I hate leaving you here,” he murmurs against my skin.

My eyes sting with tears because as much as I want him to stay, there’s a big part of me anticipating being in the car alone with Ford, and I hate myself for it. I want to want to go with him more than anything.

“I’ll miss you,” I finally manage to croak out. My throat feels thick with tears I won’t shed, not because I feel sorry for myself.

Benji grabs his bag and lifts the strap to his shoulder. “Two months will fly by, baby doll. I’ll see you soon.”

I raise my hand to wave, but I don’t follow him to the bus. So far things are going well between me and his friends on the team. The last thing I need is to have a breakdown by the bus, beg him to stay, or shove me in his bag, and have them start looking at me the way Ford’s crew did.

The team doesn’t waste time loading onto the bus. They have a long drive back to Washington, but they’ll only make it halfway tonight because the drive is farther than the bus driver is allowed to go in one day. It’ll be some budget motel with medium thread count sheets. Benji will hate it. I kinda wish I could see his face when they check-in.

“Ready to go?” I jump when I hear Ford’s voice rumble in my ear.

I nod and reach for my bag at the same time he does. “I’ve got it, Vixen.”

Ford holds out his hand to me, and I stare at it like it will burn me. He drops it after a long awkward moment. We both try and pretend things are normal between us, but I’m not sure we even know what normal is anymore.

We make it to his truck without speaking, which defeats the entire purpose of him driving me back to Sin and Raven’s. He drops my bag in the bed of the truck while I pull on the door handle. I get it pulled open a crack before he slams it closed.

His large body presses me against the door. “You’re running from me. Before I would push you until I get a reaction, but I’m only pushing you into his arms, aren’t I?”

I bite my lip. How do I answer that question? Benji deserves to be someone’s everything, but I will always have a part of my heart that belongs to Ford. I guess Benji knew what he was doing by holding off on proposing after all.

“I’m not sure how to answer that. What I have with him has nothing to do with you. He’s a good person, Ford. I know you’re hell-bent on not liking him, but he’s good to me.”

“I can see that, and that he really loves you. I’m sure under different circumstances he could make you happy. But there’s one problem,” he says, leaning closer and whispering the last words into my ear.

My heart is hammering against my sternum, and it’s hard to breathe. “What is it?” I manage to ask with what little air is in my lungs.

His lips graze across my cheek as he pulls back to look at me. “You still love me.”

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