Page 69 of Pretty Broken Things

“What is this then? I have to tell you, it looks masochistic as fuck.”

It’s so hard to explain to another person who hasn’t experienced this kind of toxic relationship. The kind that makes you question who you are. I’ve always had a problem with low self-esteem, but the last couple of years with Ford have brought me down to the bottom.

“I guess it’s like I had an addiction. Sometimes I forget how bad my addiction made me feel, I remember one good thing from so long ago, and I want to feel that way again. This picture is kind of like pressing on a wound to remind yourself it still hurts. Every time I feel the slightest bit nostalgic for him, I remind myself why I’m here with you instead.”

He twists his lips. “That’s actually a pretty good explanation.” Benji hands me my phone back. “I think it’s time you start dating again.”

I tip my head back and look at him upside down. “I thought you were going to say I need therapy.”

He ruffles my hair. “Oh, you need a massive amount of therapy, but I want you to be happy.”

I pout. “I find it hard to believe there’s another guy like you out there. Except one I want to see naked.”

Benji jumps over the back of the couch and drops down hard next to me, making me bounce a little. “Yeah right, you were totally checking me out yesterday when I took my shirt off after coming in from a run.”

I shrug. “You know you’re hot. I know you’re hot. I have no idea why the universe is so cruel that it does nothing for me. I’ve been trying to figure it out for ages.”

“Did you come up with anything?” he asks.

“Only that it’s possible you’re too perfect. Here you are, as rich as I used to be, from that world, and yet you have no ego. You’re not selfish or entitled. That might make sense if you grew up awkward or nerdy, but you’re a state champion track star.”

I playfully shove him. “You don’t want me either. What’s your excuse?”

He turns serious, and I’m afraid of what he’s about to say. “I think it’s because you’re broken.”

Tears fill my eyes. It’s one thing for me to feel that way, but to be rejected for it stings more than I can say. I start to pull away, but he grabs me and wipes a tear off my face.

“You need to listen to me before you retreat into that pretty head of yours. When we met, you were like this wounded bird. It triggered all of my protective instincts and I was instantly possessive of you. Of course I see how beautiful you are, but pursuing you when you weren’t strong felt like taking advantage of you. I won’t lie and tell you I’ve never thought about us being together. I could see us getting married, starting a family, and growing old together. You’re my best friend, but I want you to come to me when you’re strong enough to choose me because you want me, not because you need me.”

“I had no idea you felt that way,” I whisper.

Benji tucks a lock of my hair behind my ear, stroking the side of my face before he drops his hand. “I didn’t want to say anything as long as he still holds any part of your heart. And don’t think I’m pining away for you either. I just think I could feel that way for you if I let myself.”

I frown. I guess I haven’t really tried to picture what my future will look like without Ford. “I still think you’re too perfect, but I think you’re right. It is him in the way of me thinking of anyone romantically.”

He gives me a satisfied nod. “See once you start therapy, you can start to see a different future, even if it doesn’t include me.”

I hug his arm, and put my head on his shoulder. “My future will always include you, even if we are only ever friends. Won’t it?”

“I’m never letting you go. One way or another we will always have each other,” he swears. And one thing about Benji, he always keeps his promises.

* * *

One Month Later

Since I dropped my classes at Playa Pacifica Community College, I signed up for some online classes instead. I don’t want to let my erratic life choices take away my future. I got my job back at the coffee house, and life becomes somewhat normal.

I am able to find a therapist, because my mom made sure to put me on her insurance. Benji is right, it does help a lot. There’s still a lot of work for me to do. I’m working to put my old life far behind me, but it comes back to haunt me like always.

I’m sitting in the living room, writing in the journal my therapist suggested I start. When the words start pouring out, I go into a sort of cathartic trance. I think nothing of just answering my phone when it rings.

“Hey, Benji. When are you going to be home?” I ask, assuming he’s the one calling me, because other than my mom, he’s the only one who ever does.

“Uh, not Benji. You’re living with him?”

I exhale. “Shane, why are you calling me?”

“I was wondering why none of us have seen you around for a while. I thought we’d run into you on campus at some point, but you just went ghost.”

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