Page 70 of Peaceful Chaos

I've told her time and again, but I don't think she understands what I mean. Without her there's no point to my life. She's my sun, the center of gravity keeping me from floating away. Life was desolate and cold before she walked into the moonlight, and I can't go back to endless days of nothing. Keeping her safe is a selfish act because I can't live without her. I won't.

My body starts to tremble, and I need to purge this poison from my veins. My monster demands I hide her and keep her for myself. I've tried to be a better man. There are times I think I'm almost who she needs me to be, but it'll always take work.

"Talk to me," she begs. Her voice is soft, but there’s a slight hitch and I can tell she's breaking apart. I'm always making her cry, and I hate myself more for it.

I take a deep breath. I've got to give her something. If I walk away from her now, even just to get a hold of myself, I will push her away. I can feel it in the tension flowing between us.

"Keeping you safe is the only way I can live. I know I'm smothering you. You aren’t the weak one, I am. You make me vulnerable because I can't live without you."

I hear her gasp behind me, and I finally turn to face her.

"You think I can?" she says. The tears brimming in her eyes spear me straight through the heart.

"You'd be better off without me. I've been trying to give you the life you deserve. But the fact is, even if your father weren't working to ruin your life, I would. You deserve romance, the kind of love ballads are written about. I'm not that man. I'll never be that man."

Her arms cross and the look on her face promises me pain. I'm instantly hard, and it's the perfect example of why she could do so much better than me. She's pissed off, and all I want to do is fuck the anger out of her.

Her arms drop to her sides, and she moves close until she's drilling her finger into my chest with each point she makes. "You know what I want then, do you? Do you really think I sit around pining for hearts and flowers? A life filled with cheesy over the top romance? You're doing it again; idealizing me and not seeing me for who I am."

Those threads holding my control fray. "I'm idealizing you? I see you clearly. You're the light in my darkness. Everything I need and don't deserve. I'm not trying to hold you away from the danger because I think you're incapable, but because I can't go on without you. It's you who fails to see me for who I am. I'm not a good man, Raven. I never will be. Yet you ignore the monster in front of you and imagine me to be a man worthy of redemption."

"You think I don't know you?" She laughs, and I've never heard a more humorless sound. "I see you. But here's what you don't get. I'm not looking to redeem you. That means there's something wrong with who you are right now. I don't want a single thing about you to change."

I wrap my hand around her throat and walk her backwards until her back meets the wall. I hold her there, not squeezing, but letting her know she is choosing to love a person more beast than man.

"Tell me to stop," I whisper. My control is slipping. She thinks she likes my monster so much, let's see how much she likes him when he comes out to play. That's going to happen if she doesn't encourage me to force him back in his cage.

"No," she says defiantly. "I don't know how many times I need to say this, but I love you just the way you are."

The rough pad of my thumb traces the soft column of her throat. "Are you sure?"

Please say no. I won't be able to stop myself if you don't, I think to myself.

"I'm not afraid of you, Sin."

Snap. I can almost hear it as the last of my control slips through my grasp. I'm tumbling into the darkness and dragging her with me.

"Go kneel by the bed." All thought flees my mind. I’m done censoring every thought and action.

Her eyes lower and she doesn’t hesitate to follow my command. Something about her obeying me calms my beast, but I know her compliance won't extend beyond the bedroom. It’s this moment I realize I don’t really want her to obey me blindly all the time. I’ll need to figure out a way to both keep her safe and let her soar.

With Raven on her knees by the bed, I move over to my nightstand. I didn't know at the time why I brought these particular items with me, but I think part of me hoped we'd end up here, even if I wished we wouldn't. I'm nothing if not a contradiction.

I grab a set of leather cuffs and a blindfold. Moving behind her I grab one wrist and buckle it inside the cuff, then bind both arms together behind her.

I watch as a flush creeps up her throat, making both her cheeks flame bright red. She looks down at her clothing.

I run my fingers along the neckline of the t-shirt dress she put on this morning. "I hope you aren't attached to this."

"What do you mean?" She's panting now, and I know it isn't fear causing her breathing to accelerate.

Grabbing the blindfold, I let it slip through one of my hands. It’s silky and decadent. Just another tool to heighten sensation and drive her as crazy as she makes me.

Clearing my throat, I focus on her again, and not the scenario playing in my head. "I think you've seen enough." Tying the material behind her head, I plunge her world into the darkness I feel every day.

Now I have to deal with the matter of her dress. It would have been better if I'd removed her clothing before I shackled her wrists, but I'm not exactly operating from the logical side of my brain at the moment.

In the kitchen I find a pair of shears that will suit my purpose. When I make it back to our bedroom I see she hasn't moved. I'm pleased by how well she's playing along. In truth she's the one in control here, taming my monster every moment she awards me with her submission.

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