Page 6 of Peaceful Chaos

"How could you have? You don't know the history of your own family, and even if you did, we don't talk about Evangeline often. After you were taken, it was the last straw for my father. It never would have been a good time, but we lost her, you, and her daughter all at once. My father took it hard. At least now both of you have been found.

"He took his security company and started getting involved in more covert work. You were the third person he wasn't able to protect. Everything fell apart, but we can start putting it back together now."

One detail confuses me. It’s such a weird thing to get stuck on, but my mind struggles to make sense of everything she’s telling me. There’s so much about myself I don’t know, and it’s unsettling.

“Where did ‘Sinclair’ come from? Did I make it up?” It has always been the only last name I knew.

“Uh, no. It’s your middle name, or it was,” she explains. “My mother’s maiden name is Sinclair. When I went to college I used it to be someone other than the mercenary’s daughter. It was the name I used when I met your father. It made sense to us to give it to you as a middle name.”

I nod. She can’t see me of course, but I’m glad I know the connection and it really is my name.

Setting aside my existential crisis about who I am, I focus on the more important details. "Can you get me in touch with him? He might be of more use than Holbrook."

"My father recently retired. My brother runs the company now. He was in the FBI for years, but when Papi was ready to retire, he gave up law enforcement." She sighs. "I'll see if he'll take my call. We aren't close. The last time I spoke to him was when he failed to find you. I said some pretty horrible things to him."

"I'm sorry to ask you to do it, but we need any advantage we can get. I have to keep her safe, Mom." The word slips out without thinking about it. Her gasp tells me she didn't miss it either, but mercifully she doesn't make a big deal of it.

"I really am sorry we didn't give her a chance before. I'll call him now, and when I hear something I'll get back to you. In the meantime, I'm going to give you access to the account I set up for you."

"Thank you," I say, a bit more choked up than I am used to.

"I love you. This isn't something you need to thank me for."

I hang up the phone and find Raven standing in the doorway watching me. The need to apologize rises up, but she shakes her head before I get the words out. "You have a right to speak to your mother."

"They weren't accepting of you. I don't want you to think I'm okay with that, because I'm not."

She smiles at me, just a slight upturn of her lips, but enough that I know she's really okay with me talking to Carina. "My father took you from them. In the grand scheme of things, I can forgive them holding it against me."

"Arthur could have gotten you killed. I'm not sure I can look past that."

She shrugs, as if her dying would be no big deal, when in reality that's the one loss I'd never recover from. Amazing how in such a short time I went from a man disconnected from the world to someone tied to it by this tiny force of nature.

"Choose to forgive Carina then. You don't have to turn your back on both of them."

Moving toward her, I grab her waist and pull her close to my chest. Her scent of lavender and vanilla surrounds me, and I drop a kiss to the top of her head. "I'll think about it."

Her hands fist in my shirt. "Good, I want your world to be bigger and full of love. You deserve it."

I'm not sure if that's true, but I keep the thought to myself. Having her love is still hard to believe, but every day I accept it more. Holding Raven in my arms quiets something inside me.

I still want to rage at the world, or slip into the shadows and hide from it, only now I want to drag her into the darkness with me. I'm done trying to force her into the light. No one can protect her the way I can. Time and time again the world has proven to me how inadequate it is at protecting the beauty it possesses. If we have to, we'll burn this one down and build a new one on its ashes.

"Talk to me. I can see the wheels turning in your head. Is it about what Grant said?"

I take a deep breath. Usually this is where I'd retreat or push her away. Not this time. There are many habits I need to change, and that is at the top of the list. Every time I've tried to force her to do what I thought was best, a life without me, I've only managed to hurt her.

I have to look away from her before I can answer. My heart thuds against my ribs, and it’s hard to breathe. Now I understand the saying, “Truth hurts.” This is hard for me to admit.

"The only thing that bothers me about what he said is if you start to see me the way he does."

"I know who you are, Sin. Your darkness doesn't scare me. Only a life without you terrifies me. You aren't running again, are you?"

"No. I promised I wouldn't do that to you again. I've learned my lesson. Instead of forcing you to leave because I don't think I'm good enough for you, I'm going to work on being a man who deserves you."

Her smile turns down. "You need to stop beating yourself up."

I exhale, trying to relieve the tension buzzing through me. "I'm not. What I am is honest with myself. Holbrook isn't wrong. My first instinct is violence. It may always be that way. Anyone or anything that is a threat to you, I'm going to destroy it. I'm not going to apologize for that."

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