Page 47 of Peaceful Chaos

"We aren't actually going anywhere. I can see if I can get you clearance through the gate, but I don't think they will tonight. Security is crazy tight around here, but with both our fathers running for office, and all the media attention, this is the only place we have any peace."

"I hadn't thought about that. So you're like, really careful about security then I imagine."

For a moment I felt bad for her, but this conversation keeps going back to me leaving the complex, and it feels wrong. "Yeah, extremely careful," I reply without giving her any extra details.

A knock on the door causes me to gasp at the unexpected but welcome interruption. I take a moment to remind myself I'm safe behind the walls of the apartment complex, but it doesn't stop me from looking out the peephole before opening the door. Remembering I'm on the phone, I say, "Hey, my friends are here, I've got to go."

Yeah, she's lonely. I feel bad for her, but I don't think she and I are meant to be friends. I hang up without saying another word.

Ford waits patiently on the other side for me to unlock the doorknob, deadbolt, and the chain. "I told you I'm fine," I say when I swing the door open. Even though I told Jenna I was hanging out with friends, I didn't actually plan to join them for movie night.

"You said that, but I still wanted to see for myself," he says and waits for me to open the door wide enough for him to come in. I don't do it though.

"Look, I know you're just trying to help, but you and I both know that no matter what he says, Sin is still bothered by our friendship. I don't think he'd like the idea of you and I being alone here while he's gone."

His jaw clenches. "Is that how it's going to be? You'd rather be here alone? You know I wouldn't disrespect you or your marriage like that."

"Is that the same thing as saying you don't think of me that way?" Why am I pushing this? My anxiety seems to have pushed all manner of worries to the front of my mind, and now that I find myself spinning I can't shut it off.

Ford pinches the bridge of his nose. "Are we really going to have this conversation with me standing on the other side of the door?"

He's right of course, but a part of me feels like letting him into our home to have this conversation is crossing some kind of invisible line. "I'll come out there."

I step into a pair of shoes I kicked off by the door. Closing it behind me, I tip my head to the side, indicating the walking trail that weaves around inside of the complex. "Take a walk with me?"

He nods, and together we start out along the landscaped trail. Not knowing what to say, we follow the trail in silence for a few minutes, the only sound is the crunch of pea gravel under our feet. Ford breaks first and stops me when we move past a small copse of trees with a bench under their branches.

Ford sits down and pats the other side of the bench for me to join him. Once I do, he turns to face me. "I understand this is something that Sin still thinks about, but I thought you and I moved beyond this."

A wave of embarrassment comes over me. It's a special kind of narcissism to believe I've managed to capture the attention of the two most beautiful men I've ever seen. It's not that I want Ford to see me in a way other than as a friend, but I fear what it means if he does.

He looks away from me for a bit then brings his green and gold hazel eyes to me. "Do you want me to be completely honest?"

Do I? There are some things once known that can never be unknown. Still, I can't exactly call him my best friend if we are afraid to be honest with each other. "Tell me," I rasp.

Ford takes a deep breath. "I'll admit, there are times when I look at you and wonder what might have been."

I open my mouth to say, I'm not even sure what. I don't have to search for the words though, because he raises his hand to stop me.

"But, I see the way Sin looks at you. The way he's always looked at you. I've never looked at anyone like that. Like I need them in order to breathe. It reminds me, when I do find myself wondering what we could have been, that what I am actually longing for is what the two of you have, not what I think we could have had."

"Why me, and not when you see Shane and Jen?"

He shrugs. "Jen and I ran our course. I guess I know what we could have been. We had the time to figure it out."

"What about Tessa?"

He looks away and rubs the center of his chest. A move I don't think he's even fully conscious of. "Tessa and I definitely had enough time to figure out we aren't supposed to be together."

His gaze comes back to me. "Are we done with this now? Are you going to be weird the next time it's just the two of us?"

I smile at him. "Yeah, I think we're good now."

He stands up, and offers me a hand. "Good, now will you stop being stubborn and come watch a movie with us?"

I accept his hand and let him pull me to my feet. We don't head straight back to the apartment though. The Santa Ana winds are blowing warm air, and it's too nice for me to pass up. The leaves are changing on the few deciduous trees, while the palm trees blow in the wind. Birds continue to chatter, and the air fills with the sweet scent of night blooming jasmine.

For a moment I let the fear go. One second of peace, and I'm swamped by guilt. Sin is off facing my father, and I'm here taking a walk through the complex like it's any other night.

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