Page 57 of Pretty Monsters

"What is he going to think about us? How will he be your friend now? There's no way he's just going to give you up, I don't care what promises you made each other."

"Sin, he's the one who told me to go to you. He saw that I wanted to, but he also knew I wouldn't hurt him the way the two of you hurt us. He loves Tessa, and that's not something you can force away."

"I'm going to hate watching you with him," he admits.

"Not as much as you would have if he and I were able to make it work. Because I wanted it to work, bad. You left me bleeding, and he was there."

"Can you forgive me?"

"I'm working on it," I tell him.

"I'll earn it," he promises.

"Make sure you do, because this is the last chance I can give you."

19

Epiphany

Sin

Raven fallsback to sleep in my bed. She's still recovering from her concussion, and it makes me feel even shittier about the stress I've put her through. I'll never forget the look of pain on her face when she watched me with Tessa.

I didn't get it before that moment. I'm used to people wanting me for my body. Not that I'm a particularly introspective person, but I'm starting to see why people go to therapy. Emotional and mental trauma leave scars like any other kind of damage. Being owned, treated as a thing, and used as the people who controlled me saw fit have left its mark on me.

Never once has it occurred to me there could be something about me someone would desire beyond carefully cultivated muscles. When I saw the want in Raven's eyes I reduced it to every look I'd ever received. It made me feel dirty in a way I'd never thought to examine. It just was.

At first I sympathized with her. It might have been couched in different terms, arranged marriage, but the reality was Raven was being sold. It started before that though. The couple of times she snuck out I sensed her loneliness, and it called to me.

The attraction, though, I didn't know how to handle that, and I didn't do a good job of it. I'm lucky she's giving me another chance, but I'm terrified of fucking it up again. I'm not a gentle man. I'm not loving. I reacted the only way I knew how.

I want to hold on to her. Need it in fact. How do I reconcile this need to possess her, while managing the self loathing I have? The fear she'll see me, really see me, and find that she doesn't want me for the way I am paralyzes me.

Growing up, I never knew love or kindness. There are hazy memories of a hand holding mine, someone smiling down at me, but they disappear. What I know is someone didn't deem me worthy of keeping, not even of finding a family who would love me. I was sold to a monster so I could be turned into one.

Doesn't that say I'm not worthy of being loved? Did my parents see something so ugly inside of me that they threw me away? When I saw the adoring looks she gave me, the only thing I knew to do was crush it before I could see it change on its own.

"You're thinking awfully hard over there," Ford interrupts my thoughts. He stands near the coffee maker, a cup waiting ready for it to be done percolating.

He pulls another cup from the cabinet and holds it out. I nod. I slept, but not restfully.

"Did you two make up?" he asks. Not a hint of jealousy in his tone.

"I don't understand you," I mutter.

"I imagine you wouldn't. Look, we all let this situation get royally fucked. I should blame you for what happened with Tessa, but it wasn't the first time she's pulled that shit."

Remorse is a foreign feeling for me. I should be familiar with it. I've killed people, but I never feel bad for doing it. I saw their victims, proof Lucien always made sure to provide me with, and I went in as an avenging angel. I feel it now.

"I didn't know there was something going on between you and Tessa."

He shakes his head. "There is and there isn't. We aren't together, never have been, but she knows how I feel. Sometimes she draws me in, but she pushes me away just as fast. I'm more pissed at you for what you did to Raven. But in a way I understand."

"There's no way you could," I breathe out.

He crosses his arms and glares at me. "There's more than one way to break a person. Having parents doesn't always mean a person grows up knowing love."

He sighs, and relaxes his defensive posture. "Believe me or not, but I do understand what it's like to feel not good enough. There was a time when Tessa was open to being with me, but I pretty much did all the same shit you're doing now. Look where it's gotten me."

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