Page 14 of Fate

ChapterFour

Carson

“Goddamn, goddamn, goddamn it!” I pound against the steering wheel of my Range Rover until all the frustration seeps out of my bones in miserable heaps of negative energy.

“Why the fuck did she have to be there? Today of all days.” I blow out a harsh breath and lean my head on the steering wheel. Anxiety and desperation flow through me and out my fingertips with every breath.

Just when I think I’m getting over her, I see her again. Christ, she was a vision, too. Her golden hair is shorter, barely hitting her shoulders now. She had a long-sleeved shirt on, so I couldn’t see how the injury on her arm was faring, but her hand looked a little better. Her neck seemed great, the long column completely smooth. I wonder if the doctors have been able to fix the patches of burned flesh near her ribs and breast?

“Stop it, Carson. Just, stop it!” I chastise myself, pressing my fists against my eyes to relieve the instantache.

Stop thinking about her as though you have the right tocare.

Kathleen has spent the better part of three years pushing me away. Hell, that’s three times longer than I was with her, yet I can’t get the woman out of my mind. I’ve loved her since the day I first laid eyes on her. The night we met at a charity event on a blind date, set up by Gillian, sealed my fate. The moment I got my arms around her on the dance floor, her scent, essence, and very spirit seeped deep inside my soul. To this day, I have not been able to break free from it. But I have to. She’s made it clear she no longer wants me in herlife.

Then why did she respond the way she did when I touchedher?

I don’t know what came over me. Maybe it was because the lab’s receptionist had called to tell me the expedited test results would arrive via courier this afternoon. The thought of losing all freedom lit a fire within me, which had been dormant until I saw my Kathleen. And an hour from now, I’ll find out the results for good. I swallow and tighten my hands on the leather steering wheel.

How could I have fucked up so bad? Loss and grief is why. The death of the most important relationship in my entire life is what happened. Made me stupid, incapable of thinking straight. I drank too much and fucked the wrong woman.

Most of that evening over two years ago is still a total blur, except for the fight with Kathleen. The night has gone down as one of the worst of my entire life. The night I lost the woman I love forever.

“Carson, I don’t know how many times I have to say it. We’re over. There’s nothing you can do or say that’s ever going to change the situation. I’m not the woman foryou.”

“Bullshit, Kat, and you know it as well as Ido!”

Her arms are crossed over her chest protectively. A shawl hangs over her shoulders, covering the worst of her burns. She never lets the skin see the light of day. Well, not in front of me anyway. Her hair—a golden array of blond, light brown, and copper—is long, hanging down to the middle of her back and flowing all around her upper body. Her eyes are the most beautiful color, reminding me of caramel candies. The intensity within them shows determination and sadness in equal parts. Both of which I hate, because I know what that look means.

I loathe seeing this look in her eyes, knowing it’s for me. Usually, her focused stare would bring men far stronger and bigger than me down to their knees. In a single moment, she’s cut me apart, letting me bleed out until there is nothingleft.

“You can’t want me to go. It’s always been you, Kathleen. Always.”

Her voice breaks into a sob. “Why can’t you leave me alone? There is no you and me. We’ve been over for a year now. Please, please, stop trying to convince me to see things yourway.”

In a handful of steps, I get to her and curl a hand at her nape and the other around her hip. I don’t dare hold her by thearms.

“Kathleen Bennett, I adore you. Want to marry you. Have children with you. Grow old by yourside…”

She shakes her head violently. “No. Stop. I can’t.” The tears pour down her cheeks.

“I don’t know why you insist on pushing me away. I don’t care about your scars! I don’t fucking care if you can’t stand to look at yourself, because it doesn’t matter, sweetheart. I see you. Me! The man who would do anything for you. The man falling at your feet to keep you.” I hit my knees, wrap my hands around her hips, and push my face against her abdomen.

“You have t-to g-go…” Her voice splinters as she holds on to her convictions and pushes meaway.

I shake my head against her belly and rest my chin there while looking up into the most beautiful face I’ve ever known. I’ve kissed those pink lips until they were so swollen they’d turned red. I’ve nibbled that jawline, teasingly, lustfully. I’ve stared into those brown eyes and whispered my dreams for our life together. And it was heavenly. The most perfect life. I know beyond a shadow of doubt this woman is my be-all end-all. She is myfate.

“Carson…” She runs her fingers through my hair, her voice so lost I can barely hear her. “You deserve more, more than I can ever give you. I’m not me anymore. I’m not the woman you fellfor.”

I close my eyes and kiss my way up the center of her chest until I have her lips. I cup both cheeks and take her lips with mine. Our tongues battle, fighting a war I am determined to win. She tastes of salty endings and the hope for new beginnings. With my heart in my hand and my lips on hers, I show her love—gut-wrenching, mind-altering, earth-shatteringlove.

Kathleen runs her hand up my chest, and with her scarred hand over my heart, I think maybe we can start again. But I am holding her close and she is shoving me away. Eventually, my mind clicks with my body and registers her struggles. She isn’t trying to get closer and take more. She is scratching, clawing, and pushing me away. In an instant, I let hergo.

I let hergo.

She stumbles back several feet, shaking her head. Her cheeks are a mess of tears and mascara. I don’t care. My Kathleen is a diamond in a sea of rocks. When she is happy, she sparkles so bright. Only, her tears are not joyful ones of reconciliation but rather distress and self-loathing.

“No. Carson, no. I’mdone.”

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