Page 18 of Bonded Beyond Regret

“Yes, he is.”

It’s not like I can disagree with her. Since he just took us to dinner and then brought us back to our home. Aisley was nodding off and I made some off handed comment about needing to get her to bed before I got her out of the car and then I hightailed it inside like my ass was on fire.

I didn’t wait around for him to say anything. Not a good night. Not a see you tomorrow when you become an official part of the pack. Nothing.

It was not my finest moment.

“No,”my wolf teases,“but it was kind of funny. I don’t think I’ve ever felt you move so fast.”

“He makes me feel safe,” Aisley’s words don’t let me respond to my wolf, not that I know what I would say. I blink a few times, shocked by my daughter. I can’t say I blame her, but I wasn’t expecting it at all. “Kinda like how Daddy made me feel,” she whispers so softly that I almost don’t hear her.

My heart breaks for Aisley. I know she probably doesn’t have many memories of Andrew and over time those will fade. I hate that for her, but it’s one of the reasons I’ve made sure to keep pictures of him around. I haven’t put them up in our new home, but she has a few in her room. She deserves to know the kind of male she had as a father and part of my job is to ensure his memory lives on.

A lump forms in my throat and I have to swallow a few times before I can say anything. I have no idea if I’ve handled Andrew’s death the right way when it comes to our daughter. I’ve tried my best to be honest and upfront, but in an age-appropriate way. I doubt I’ll ever know if I’ve done a good job or not, but I hope I have.

“You don’t have to whisper about Daddy, honey. We can talk about him anytime you want.”

Even though her eyes are heavy with sleep, her eyebrows pull together. It’s the same face she makes when she’s thinking hard about something. “You always get really sad when we talk about Daddy. I don’t want to hurt you, Mommy.”

Oh, my heart. I wrap my daughter in my arms and hold her close and bury my face in her hair. The scent of my pup fills my lungs, and I know that I haven’t been doing as good of a job as I could have been. I haven’t shielded her enough.

My grief is an excuse, a true one just as much as it is convenient, but my grief can’t come at her expense. It never could.

But maybe it has. It kills me to know that she’s been walking on eggshells around me. It shouldn’t be that way.

“I’m sorry, Aisley,” my words are muffled by her hair. “It does make me sad but only because I miss Daddy so much. He was my fated mate. The Moon Goddess paired us together because we each held the other half of the other’s soul. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to start to heal.”

“You’ve done your best, Mommy,” she reassures me even though it’s not her job to do that for me. Still, it does make me feel better.

I have to fight tears with how much grace my eight-year-old is granting me. She shouldn’t have to, but I’m not going to fight against the compassion she’s showing me.

I squeeze her a little tighter and vow, “I’ll try and do better.”

When she giggles, I find myself smiling even though the conversation is heavy and a little uncomfortable. “You already are doing better. Being here is good for you and tomorrow we become members of the pack officially.”

As I help her lay back down, I brush some of her hair, which is black like mine, away from her face. There are times when I look at her and only see me, but right now I can see the hints of Andrew in her features.

My voice is bright and, for the first time in a long time, it’s not forced, “Are you excited?”

“Yes,” she squeals. “I have so many new friends from school who are in the pack. I already feel like I’m a member.” She tilts her head slightly as she looks at me. “Are you excited?”

I scrunch my nose up and twist my mouth slightly before I ask, “Do you want the truth or an answer that is only sunshine?”

She sighs and shoots me a look that is so much older than her age, “The truth. Always the truth.”

I laugh at how serious she is and nod in understanding. “I am excited because I do think this is the right place for us now, but I’m also a little sad. Silver Howler is my birth pack. It was Daddy’s birth pack and yours. I’m a little sad to be saying goodbye to that. It’s okay to feel more than one thing at the same time about something. I can be excited and looking forward to something and be a little sad about it at the same time and that’s okay.”

Aisley gets that thoughtful look on her face again before nodding like she understands. Maybe she does.

The ways in which my daughter is growing up surprises me every day. When she was a newborn, the changes seemed to happen daily and were sometimes so drastic that they took my breath away. One day she was bobbing her head and then the next she was holding it up without a problem. One day she was crawling and then the next she was pulling up on things and then walking.

The changes now are more gradual and are tied to her interacting with the world around her, the people who are in her life, and the things she’s learning. There are times when it’s not as easy to see the changes.

But this one? Of her accepting that conflict and contradictions are normal, and part of life hits me right in the chest with its speed.

“Have I told you how proud of you I am and how much of an honor it is being your mom?”

Aisley snuggles down into her bed and gives me a sleepy smile. “That’s because you’re my Mommy and you love me.” She takes an exceptionally long blink. “You make me happy,” she murmurs, “and I want you to be happy. Samuel will make you happy if you let him.”

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