Page 39 of Kiss From A Rose

"My wife left me," I began, and then told her everything, the words pouring out of me. I told her about how everyone around me saw my marriage as fucked up, and I was thinking what a great wife and marriage I had. How during my last call with Rose, I was an asshole; how I was struggling to process how I'd ignored my wife, who had been contemplating suicide.

"What I don't understand is why she didn't talk to me before she left," I confessed.

"Why doyouthink she didn't?"

I thought about it and pursed my lips. "The past couple of years, I haven't been presentmuch. Actually, the past several years. Maybe…she felt she couldn't?"

"Has she tried to talk to you in the past about things?"

"I think so. I mean, yes, she has."

"How did that go?"

I swallowed. I knew what she was getting at. "I treated her issues like a nuisance and something she needed to solve for herself."

Dr. Mercer watched me. "How does knowing that make you feel?"

"Ashamed."

"And?"

"Afraid that I can't get her back. That I have lost her forever; that I deserve to lose her."

Dr. Mercer made some notes and then looked up at me. "You say you don't want to divorce your wife. Explain to me why that is."

"I love her."

"What does that mean?"

I blinked. "I…love her."

"Yes. But what does that mean to you? What does it mean toloveyour wife?"

I thought about it, and a smile formed on my face despite the hell I was in. "She makes me feel safe. I feel calm when I lie in bed, and she's there with me. I could have the worst day, but when I'm with her, it just goes away."

"She's your safe space."

"Yes," I agreed.

"So, when she brings up problems or concerns, what happens?"

"I…." I sighed as I realized what she was saying and what I had been doing. "I don't like it because it takes my safe space away. Itadds conflict that I don't want. I want it to be peaceful with Rose. I have conflict all around me, and in bed, I want my wife in my arms, saying she loves me, not telling me how her life is hard."

"You keep sayingbed. When I come home and lie with her. When I'm in bed. Are you talking about sex?"

I rubbed a hand on the side of my face. "Yeah, partly. Our sex life has always been fantastic. Twenty years, and we still have sex three times a week. Well, we used to. These past months it has been less, actually, non-existent."

"What happened?"

"I started sleeping more often in the guestroom. I'd work late in my study and sleep there, so I didn't wake her up."

"You've always worked a lot, so why did you start sleeping away from her now?"

I shrugged. "I didn't want to bother her."

"You said that everyone thinks you're sleeping with your assistant. Do you have feelings for her?"

"No," I protested vehemently. "None at all. You don't understand. I'd never have sex with anyone but Rose. I don't want to. She's my safe space, and she's it for me."

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