Page 18 of For Eva

His brows turned down, and he shook his head. “No, that’s not…Fuck. What I was trying to say is I’m not sure what this is.” He gestured between us. “But I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it feels to be with you, Eva. And what I want is a chance to tell you how sorry I am that I fucking ruined us.” His voice quavered, sown with both desperation and relief, as though he’d just surrendered in a war he’d been fighting for years. “And I also wanna know if I’m crazy for thinking you might feel a little bit of what I do.”

He drew in a breath and scanned my face for a reaction—the slightest indication I’d seen the white flag being waved and would have mercy on him. Or better yet, that I would lay downmyweapons and admit there was no point in fighting my own feelings any longer.

I swallowed, trying to ease the ache in my chest and was about to speak when a knock on the driver’s side window startled us both.

Danny groaned, muttering a “goddamnit” before cranking the lever on the door. “Hey, Mike, I’m sort of busy here.”

The long-haired guy squinted and leaned into the car. “Whoa, dude, sorry to interrupt. But whenever you finish, you need to get your ass to Chrissy’s. Her friends from The Seventh Veil are coming over after they get off work. Including that superhot one you fucked the other ni—”

Danny coughed and began to roll the window up. “Yeah, I’m actually good, man. I’ll catch you later, though.”

“Okay, I get it, dude. But if you get bored you can—”

His voice became faint as the window sealed, and Danny turned back to me, shaking his head. “That guy’s high, like, twenty-four seven. Sorry. What, uh…what were you gonna say?”

I wasn’t angry hearing that Danny had sex with another girl. He’d probably had sex with a hundred. I sure as hell hadn’t been celibate while I was still pining away for him.

“I think if you really wanna talk,” I began, “we should go someplace where I don’t have to endure a recap of your sex life.”

Danny’s eyes widened. “I didn’t…That girl he was talking about, I—”

My face softened, letting him know at that moment, I didn’t care about anyone but us. “Just take me somewhere else,” I said. “And we’ll go from there.”

“You sure that’s all you want?” The waitress stuck her notepad in the pocket of her uniform and stretched out her hand to me.

I passed her the menu after deciding the only thing my nervous stomach could handle was a side of toast and a Diet Coke. “Yeah, I’m good. Thanks.”

“This is fine, right? Or is it weird? Fuck, it’s weird, isn’t it? That’s why you’re not eating.” Danny squeezed his eyes shut and ran his hand along his brow. “I really thought this would be, like, a good memory.”

“Hey.” I reached over and nudged the arm he’d propped on the table. “I told you it’s fine.”

As soon as I’d seen the bright yellow Denny’s sign on the side of the road ahead of us, the soft glow of nostalgia flushed mycheeks. He’d asked me five times before we got out of the car if being there was okay. I assured him it was but couldn’t deny that it felt like my heart was being wrung out like a sponge while we waited for the hostess by a gumball machine full of plastic rings.

We skirted around things with meaningless talk about high school friends and our families before ordering. I told him my father had married a woman who was only seven years older than me, and they had a kid who was three. Danny told me his father divorced the woman he’d left them for and moved to Texas.

“So I, uh, need to stop fucking around and say this,” Danny mumbled, another cigarette dangling between his lips. His hand shook as he held the flame to the tip, then blew a stream of smoke from the side of his mouth. “I am so fucking sorry for lying to you, Eva. About me coming here.” He swallowed so hard I could see his Adam’s apple bob. “Aboutyoucoming here.”

I scraped my teeth along my bottom lip and nodded, fixing my gaze on the back of the booth beside his shoulder. There had been so many times I’d thought about him saying those words to me over the past five and a half years. I’d even had dreams where he’d confessed it had been his plan all along to call our relationship quits once he got to LA, and I remembered the sense of satisfaction that coursed through me as I slept.

But the decisive victory I’d imagined ended up feeling a lot more hollow in real life. My vision blurred with saltwater waves, and I knew if I looked into his eyes, they would break over my lids.

“Yeah. I, uh…I think that’s what hurt the most.” I sniffed, reaching for my own cigarettes. I flicked the lighter and shrugged as I tilted my chin up, smoke streaming from my lips. “Stillhurts the most, actually.”

Danny rubbed his forehead and sighed. “I was too scared to tell you. You know, face-to-face. After everything you’d been through, I didn’t know how to do it.”

The waitress reappeared with our drinks, tossed a couple of straws on the table, and let us know our food would be out in a bit. I gave her a faint smile, then stared through the filmy window at the cars rolling in and out of the parking lot.

“You know, I wasn’t mad at you for leaving.” I paused and tapped the tip of my cigarette into the ashtray before turning my attention back to him. “I told you to go, for Christ’s sake. And when we agreed—or Ithoughtwe agreed—I would come here after my first semester at school, I was actually excited about leaving Illinois and everything that happened there behind me. I did all the research on how to transfer schools. I went on and on about how amazing it would be to have our own apartment, wake up late, and make French fucking toast together. I told my dad he was wrong when he said following you out here was a mistake, which only made things worse between me and him. And you let me do that, Danny. You let me do all of that even though you fucking knew what youwere gonna do after you left.”

My mind spiraled in a kaleidoscope of sadness and anger. But it wasn’t the kind of anger that had revealed itself in his apartment that morning. It was quieter. A restrained bitterness that peppered my voice with acidity but kept it low enough so as not to garner attention from the other tables.

He extinguished his smoke and rested his head in his hands. “Eva, I—”

“Did you think it would hurt me less if I heard it over the phone? Or was that more convenient for you so you didn’t have to see my heart being ripped the fuck out, you only had to hear it?” A single tear slid onto my cheek, and I brushed it away.

He scrubbed his hands down his face as he lifted his gaze to me. “Do you know how much it kills me to hear you say that?”

“Do you know how much it kills me that youdidthat?”

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