Page 19 of For Eva

“I know, Eva. And if I could take it all back, I would.” His eyes pleaded with me as he reached across the table and placed his hand over mine. I tensed but didn’t pull away. “I know it was wrong. And for a while I thought I only regrettedhowI ended things. But somewhere along the way I began to think that deep down I regretted ending things at all.”

I remembered the phone call. My back against my bedroom wall as I slid to the floor. The tears as I gripped the receiver so hard my hand hurt almost as much as my heart. He needed to focus on his music. I needed to focus on school. We would eventually end up resenting each other, and it was for the best.

I remembered wondering why it was so easy for him to un-love me. Or if he’d ever even loved me at all.

I remembered never having the chance to ask because the line went dead.

And I remembered how I’d sat against that same wall, my body shaking and my brain searching for answers and reasons, when my mother had died eight months before.

I slipped my hand out from under his, absentmindedly discarding the paper from my straw and sipping my drink, trying to swallow each and every emotion attached to the memories. “You really did break the last piece of my heart, Danny.”

He sighed and slid his hand across the table when our waitress appeared, balancing a tray on her right hand, and rattled off our orders as she set our food down in front of us.

Danny pushed his plates aside as soon as she left and folded his arms on the table. “I didn’t want to do that, Eva. I didn’twantto hurt you. I was young and scared and fucking careless. And after everything with your mom, everything with…I know I made it all ten thousand times worse, and I fucking hate myself for that.”

I stubbed out my cigarette and picked at the toasted white bread in front of me, trying to focus on anything but images of twisted steel and shattered glass as my quiet anger turned to grief. “My mom was my fault.”

“Eva, that wasn’t your fault. It was another person in another car.”

“But she was driving me home from the doctor, Danny. The doctor I wouldn’t have had to go to if I hadn’t been so fucking stupid. Even my dad knows that. He never said it, but he knows it.”

“Fuck your dad. And you weren’t stupid. I was there, too, you know. I could’ve stopped. I could’ve—”

“No,” I insisted, clenching my jaw. “I’ve been over this in my mind a thousand times. And I remember telling you it was fine. I remember thinking we were always so careful, that one time wouldn’t matter.”

“Yeah, and I thought the same thing. The point is, people accidentally get pregnant every day,” he said, lowering his voice. “We made a mistake, and we did what we had to do to fix it. And you know it was the right thing, Eva. I know you know that.”

I did know it was right. At least in theory. But in actuality, if I’d never made those decisions, my mother would’ve still been alive.

I looked up, rolling my lips inward to hold back my tears. “I just wanna go back and undo it, you know? That one second that seemed so fucking inconsequential but ended up being the beginning of the end of everything. But I can’t.” I pressed my hand to my chest. “Do you know how that feels?”

He reached for my other hand, rubbing his thumb along my fingers. “Would you believe me if I said that I do?”

I tilted my head and waited for him to explain before I answered that he couldn’t possibly know how I felt.

“It’s not the same, and I know that,” he continued. “But I wish I could go back and walk away from that phone. Or pick it up and call you to tell you I love you instead.”

Love?

Electricity sparked in my chest.

Hehadloved me.

And he still loves me?

Is that what he’s saying?

I didn’t ask for clarification because I wanted to believe it. I wanted to stop thinking about everything that could go wrong and start thinking about all the things that could go right. So, I squeezed his hand and let the tension flow from my body, the weight of all my armor disappearing as it crashed to the ground. I couldn't travel back in time and undo the things that had caused everything to unravel. But what Icoulddo was not let the opportunity to regain a part of the life I’d lost pass me by.

I gently let go of his hand and ran my fingers under my eyes. “I guess neither of us should have to live our lives feeling like that. Although you deserve it way more than I do, of course.”

A cautious shadow crept across his face, as though he wasn’t sure if it was too presumptuous to assume there was a touch of humor in my voice. “I know I do.”

“All right, then. How about I eat a piece of your bacon while you tell me how you’re never going to fucking do any of that to me ever again?”

A smile spread slowly across his face. “Yeah. I can do that.” He raised an eyebrow as he slid his side of extra bacon over to me. “But don’t act like you don’t know I ordered this just for you.”

I bit into the greasy strip and chuckled softly. “I guess things are off to a good start, then.”

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