Page 72 of Love You Too

Beatrix

“Try not to panic.Women have been having babies alone in corn fields since the beginning of time,” Julie says as I wait for the medication to kick in. She stands on one side of me while a nurse comes in and out, running tests and checking my vital stats.

“I know you think you’re making it better, but corn fields? Really?” A contraction tightens my stomach and jangles my nerves. It’s too soon to have a baby, and I still haven’t heard from Ren. I know I caught him at the tail end of a game and he probably hasn’t seen my text. Or maybe he’s back to his spotty communication after our last conversation. But as upset as I am with Ren, I don’t want to have a baby without him here.

“Yes. Corn fields. You have modern medicine on your side, and I’m sure this is all going to be fine. It’s probably false labor. It’s really common.”

“I hope you’re right, Jules.” I offer her a wan smile as she wipes sweat from my brow.

I’ve been in such a tailspin since the doctor told me to come to the hospital that I’ve just been nodding at Julie since she showed up at my house. With barely a word, she gathered Truman’s supplies, and loaded us into her car, and dropped the dog off with her husband. Then she drove me here. For the first time in years, I didn’t make all the decisions. It felt kind of nice.

I’ve been having contractions all week long after I told Ren to take time to think, almost like the baby heard us and is registering a protest.

Please get along, Mom and Dad. Please be a couple.

“Yes to the first part, little one,” I tell the tiny bean inside me. “Jury’s out on the second.”

With the blue flowered hospital gown draped over my belly like a tablecloth attempting to hide Mount Everest, I give Julie a half smile that probably doesn’t look convincing. In fact, I’ve done nothing but panic since I called her in the middle of the night when I noticed I was bleeding. With months to go until my due date, I should not be going into labor, if that’s what’s happening.

I intentionally kept my text to Ren vague so he wouldn’t be worried until I have more information. Even though I’m still upset with how we left things, he has a right to know what’s happening with his baby. So I’ve kept my phone nearby, figuring he’d call me when he saw the message. I have no idea what kind of post-game obligations he has with the team, but I do know that he’ll complete every last one of them before taking his phone out and checking on the outside world.

I check my phone once more, and there’s nothing on the screen. No missed calls, no messages. Zip.

The shreds of hope plummet as my heart deflates. I don’t want to read into the silence, but I don’t know what to think.

“Still nothing, huh?” Julie asks.

“Nope.”

“He’ll call. I have more faith in him right now than you do, sotry to trust me.” I look at her, noticing for the first time her black long-sleeved top and red polka-dotted skirt. “Were you wearing that outfit when you got here?”

She glances down, smooths the skirt, and laughs. “It’s my Minnie Mouse costume. Sometimes, I dress up when I read Disney stuff before bedtime. I just hopped in the car when you called and didn’t remember I had this on.”

That’s when I realize I’ve taken her away from time with her own family. “Oh gosh, I’m sorry you’re missing bedtime.

“Don’t be silly. Ed loves it when he gets to put her to bed by himself. They have a whole routine, songs, books, a secret snack they think I don’t know about…”

“Cute.” I wonder if that’s how Ren will be with our child. He certainly seems excited about being a dad, and he can be so sweet when he wants to be. I just need to make sure I fill in the gaps when he disappears, like he’s done lately. Our child needs stability, not a dad who’s afraid of committing to life outside of work.

Another contraction hits me hard, and I suck in a breath. That, coupled with my emotional state, leaves me half sobbing, half breathing. “Oh gosh, I’m a mess. What if I can’t do this?”

It’s the first time I’ve said those words out loud, but maybe that’s because this is the first I’ve felt alone in what’s coming next. I know I can be a great mom. I’m a born multitasker. I just got a false sense of hope that Ren and I were a real couple. And now…I’m adjusting back to the reality that’s much healthier for me. I sniffle and wipe my tears indelicately with the back of my hand.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” Julie says, smoothing my hair like the fairy godmother I’ve forced her to be. “Like I said, just try not to panic.”

“I’m not panicking. I’m fully freaking out. I’m going to be a single mom, and I don’t know what I’m doing,” I tell Julie, wishing my voice didn’t sound like a whine.

I’ve been at the hospital for two hours already, and the nurseshave given me a dose of steroids, which will speed up the baby’s lung development in case I deliver early. I’ve also been given a dose of magnesium to stop the contractions, which are probably false labor, but we need to be sure.

“Feels like you’re panicking,” Julie says, noting my rapid heart rate on the monitor beside the hospital bed. “The nurses seem to think everything looks okay.”

She’s right, so I should feel a little consoled by that. I’m still waiting for my doctor to arrive and I’m doing my best to stay calm, but it’s not exactly working. And I can’t even fool Julie when she has access to my vital signs as proof. “Fine, I’m nervous. What if I go into labor right now? What if I’m having a miscarriage? Is everything going to be okay? And where the hell is my doctor?”

“The nurse said she’s on her way.” I don’t remember that. I wasn’t paying attention because of all the panic. One more reason why I’m intensely grateful to Julie for coming with me and keeping a clear head.

“Okay. Okay, that’s good.” I look again at Julie in that getup. She’s been as perky as the real Minnie Mouse, and I’m the polar opposite. “Okay, stop looking at me like that. Find something to do,” I order, taking my frustration out on her.

Julie knows it’s not about her. She flips channels on the TV perched in a high corner. It’s been set to a news show on mute, and I’ve ignored it until now. Without asking, she flips to ESPN, where the sports highlights play on a loop. I start to tell her to switch it off. The last thing I need is another reminder of the awful way Ren and I left things before he got on the plane for this game.

---