Page 42 of My Heart Before You

Her arms drew around herself as she felt the familiar weight settle down her spine.

“You will always be connected to your husband and daughter. Even as your grief morphs and changes over the years, they are forever a part of you.”

Her voice came out in a hoarse whisper. “I feel like I’m betraying them.”

Nia nodded for a moment before speaking softly. “Guilt is a natural response and usually lessens in time. What you need to understand is that it’s possible to still have thoughts and feelings about them and be happy in a new relationship with someone else. Loving and grieving can happen at the same time.

“Maybe enjoying this moment with another person is a sign that you are ready to start dating again, but ultimately you decide when you are emotionally and physically ready to have another relationship.

“My advice would be to take it slow and expect to have dichotomous emotions. You might feel simultaneously giddy and nervous, happy and guilty. It’s okay to feel both ways. And it’s okay not to know the answer to how you’ll feel ahead of time. Sometimes, you have to experience something to know. Give yourself grace and do what you feel most comfortable with.”

Nia’s words slowly sank into her skin. Nothing in this world would ever make her forget the life and love she had, but maybe, just maybe, it was okay to start something new or at least be open to the idea of it.

Letting go of her body, she blinked. “Okay.”

Nia’s lips curled up before she lowered them a fraction. “Okay. What else has happened since I’ve seen you last?”

???

Emilie swayed with the rhythmic pulsation of the train as it coursed down the Red Line. Leaning her forehead against the vertical rail bar, she thought about what Nia had said.

Was she ready?

She felt like she had finally gotten her life back together, truly together, a year and a half ago. A lot of that was with the help of her family and the fact that she seemed to be continually surrounded by at least one of them. When she started over here, she surprised everyone by not just surviving, but thriving on her own. There’d been setbacks, but she’d been able to tackle each one as it came.

A metallic voice overhead announced Kendall Station, efficiently breaking into her thoughts. When the doors slid open with their pneumatic groan, enough of the passengers left the train allowing her to sit for the short rest of her ride.

Maybe it was okay that she thought about Colin differently than she did her other coworkers and friends. Maybe it was okay that the timber of his voice sent a warm vibrating sensation down her spine, or that his eyes mystified her with their various shades, or that she didn’t understand the strange connection she felt with him, but that it made her feel safe.

Sloshing through the sidewalks to the hospital was at least a shorter walk than from Nia’s office to the T-station. The dim light was already fading, even though it wasn’t yet four o’clock. It’d be dark before office workers clocked out for the evening. The smell of snow in the air reminded her she’d forgotten to check her weather app. Not willing to take off her gloves to check her phone, she made a mental note to do it at work.

After changing into her scrubs and sneakers, Emilie locked everything in her locker and walked onto 5SW. An odd feeling washed over her as she did, as if the unit was charged with a mournful energy. Shaking it off, she found a quick moving Jessica in the medication room.

“Hey, Jess. How are you doing?”

“Good, good. Thank you again for doing this. If you ever need a favor, just let me know.” She finished typing in the medications she needed from the Pyxis dispensing machine and the first of several drawers opened for her. “Can you witness?”

“Sure.” She counted out the narcotic pills with Jessica before signing her identification number into the machine as her colleague took the two pills her patient needed. “Who are these for?”

“Eaves in room 512.” She shut the drawer and another popped open. “I’ll give all these real quick before I give you report.”

“Okay.” Emilie followed her to the room and logged into the computer outside, looking up the orders to be finished on that patient. When Jessica came out, she received a full report on him and the other three patients she would care for until change of shift.

“I hope that your dad enjoys his surprise party.”

Her co-worker huffed. “I hope so. He hates surprises, but my mother insisted we do something big for his seventieth. I just hope we don’t scare him into a heart attack.”

Emilie’s eyes widened. “Let’s hope not.”

A dark look crossed over Jessica’s face momentarily before she lowered her voice. “Do you ever eat at that diner near the hospital?”

“Bo’s? Yeah, all the time. Why?”

“Mary is here. She had a heart attack early this afternoon. They were able to stabilize her in the ER and brought her up here so that CTSB could discuss options with the family, but . . .” She took a deep breath and then released it. “. . . they don’t want any interventions.”

Someone had knocked the wind out of her. “What condition is she in?”

Jessica slowly shook her head. “She probably won’t make it through the night.”

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