Page 89 of My Heart Before You

The right thing to do would probably have been to attend the wake, but Colin couldn’t bring himself to do it. The idea of seeing Emilie again, at a closer proximity, intensified the stiffness he felt in all his muscles. He scratched at his throat and then pulled to loosen the black silk tie from around his neck. After laying it and his suit jacket on the kitchen island, he slumped into his father’s recliner, staring out at the grey, wet sky.

The same thought filtered through his head as it often did over the last few weeks.I’m not going to get over this.This loss was going to sit like a little black scar over his aorta for the rest of his life, and there wasn’t a surgeon alive who could remove it.

Maybe it would be best to move somewhere he could work more, have more hours, get back to his old way of living. Since he’d only been with CTSB nine months, he’d have to wait until he’d finished a year at least for professionalism’s sake. Or not. Maybe he should just tell John he’d love a good recommendation, but he couldn’t be here anymore.

If seeing Emilie now was difficult, someday walking onto 5SW and finding an engagement ring on her finger would be excruciating. All the air left his lungs as he pushed both hands through his hair, cradling his head.

A knock sounded at his door. Probably Max to check on him. Since he was called in before the funeral, he’d promised to come by once he’d finished up at the hospital. Pushing against his knees, Colin rose, every fiber aching with the movement.

When he opened the door, it felt like the bicycle had hit him in the chest again.

Emilie’s chestnut hair was plastered to her scalp and clumped into long, wet strands. Leftover raindrops fell from her thick eyelashes and streamed in rivulets over her delicate freckled face. Her drenched black dress clung tightly as her lower lip quivered.

“Emilie.” His shocked first word freed the rest of his brain to process the shivering sight of her and follow with more pragmatic ones. “You’re soaked. Let me get you a towel.”

His torso began to rotate into action, but the serious tone in her voice stopped him.

“I need to tell you something.”

The desire to hear her words warred with his need to get her warm and dry, but she took the decision away from him by continuing.

“I . . .” She stopped and took a shaky breath, hugging her waterlogged cardigan-covered arms tight around herself.

It was one of the hardest things not to gather her to his chest.

She exhaled as strength glinted into her eyes, her brows set with determination. “I was an emergency nurse before I worked here. The day of the accident, when Braden’s car was hit by a powerline truck head-on, he and Lucy were brought to my hospital. I was in my manager's office when EMS rolled them in.” She drew in a rasped breath. “I saw everything. Braden’s broken chest. The horrific code as they tried to save him. Lucy’s tiny lifeless body. Everything. After that I swore I would never set foot in an ER again.”

His throat felt as if it was closing off. His mouth opened, but only strained air came out.

“That’s why I pushed you away. I couldn’t have that happen again. I couldn’t lose you the way I lost them.”

“Emilie. . .” He stepped forward, and she didn’t pull back, just tilted her head up to pierce his eyes with hers. “I’m so sorry.” And he was, for everything. For everything that she’d had to endure in her lifetime. For the mountain of grief she had to climb after not only losing her husband and child, but watching them die in such a graphic way. For any distress he’d caused her in their time together. “I would’ve never had Max tell you I was in the emergency room if I’d known. I would’ve kept you away from there. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

His hand drifted up on its own, his thumb brushing the residual rain off her cheek. Her dewy lashes closed for a moment before her eyes focused back on him.

“If I had to, I’d run there again. I love you too much not to.”

His heart thundered as he drew in a long breath. His fingers traced her jaw as his eyes searched her face, unable to believe the words she’d just said. “You love me?”

Her hand gently settled over the center of his chest. “More than anything.”

Light resonated and bounced behind his breastbone as he wrapped his other arm around her sodden body and covered her lips with his. Emilie wove her arms around his back, pulling them even closer together. This kiss felt different. His entire body hummed with a vibration that didn’t feel entirely contained to him, that felt only possible with them together.

Pulling back to graze his lips to hers, he whispered, “I love you.”

Her face tilted back until their eyes met. “I love you.”

If hearing his name fall from those lips was exquisite, hearing those words was infinitely better. A smile tugged at his mouth as he lowered it to kiss her again, but she leaned back slightly. He lifted his head, crossing his arms behind her lower back.

“I also need to tell you that I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not telling you the truth and then shutting down. I just . . .” She took a deep inhale. “I was so scared, and I thought I wasn’t strong enough. But then I stood watching Bo being lowered in the ground and realized that the pain of not being with you when you’re right in front of me is so much worse than any future pain of losing you.” Her fingers pushed the hair from his temple. “I’m sorry for hurting you.”

His eyes closed as he turned his jaw to kiss her palm as it moved down his face.

The elevator dinged in the background, and footsteps thumped into the hall until Max’s voice said, “Oh, hey.”

Almost groggily, Colin looked up, never loosening his grip on Emilie’s body.

“Hi, Max,” she said.

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