Page 100 of Vicious Sentiments

Julian blinks. “What?”

“The one who raped her.”

I wince at his words, that ugly word that I never use, and Cape immediately grabs my chin again, giving it a shake. “Stop that. Spit it out.”

“Wait, what?!” Julian takes a step back, and Cape stares at his brother.

“There was a sick fuck, ateacher,that—wait, then who was outside her house, her father?”

“No. It was some piece of shit, a real—” Julian shakes his head. “Hailey, am I to understand that—”

“Stop.” Tears start to pool in my eyes and I get off of Cape, putting some distance between me and their confusion, their shock.

I put my back to them and grip my chest, feeling it get tight. It was stupid of me to mention what Mr. Canes did to me to Cape. And while Julian put two and two together that Kyle had been the cause of the bruises on my body, I never wanted anyone to know. I can’t hear it from their mouths. Not when all I do is listen to it in my head. It’s too much.

“Hailey, I’m sorry,” Julian says.

“I’m not,” Cape snaps, and I hear the metal bench shift behind me. “I want a fucking list. Right now. Every single fucking name.”

“Give her a minute,” Julian hisses.

“No. I’m going to fucking murder—”

“We’ll get ‘em, just relax for a minute.”

I take a shaky, trapped breath and I realize what they are saying.

“No.” I turn around.

“No?” Cape balks. “The don’t get to fucking live.”

The tears come in a rush. “No. No. No. They don’t deserve death.”

Cape’s eyes bulge out of their sockets and the vein in his forehead appears, but Julian’s brows come together.

“That’s exactly what they deserve. Are you out of your mind?” Cape roars.

“Death is peace.” I scramble for him to understand. “Death is freedom, free of pain and worry and fear. Death is a mercy. They don’t deserve her.”

“Her.”Cape barks a bitter laugh. “This again? Stop idolizing death. The only reason you have this fucked up obsession is because of what those bastards did to you.”

I shake my head, angry that he’s not getting it but also angry because he’s making a point, one that doesn’t fit into the world I’ve crafted. Being here, feeling safe, I see the lure to live but I’ve spent so many years not being afraid of death that the idea of it now? The idea that if I go to her, I don’t get Julian or Cape or Margo and Marney? That’s frightening, panic inducing. I just can’t be afraid of death. I have to welcome her, otherwise the fear of her would be too much.

“Baby, you don’t want to die right?” Julian’s lips have fallen so low, his eyes so hurt that my own heart aches.

“No!”

“Yes, she does. She thinks it’s the only way to make the pain stop,”Cape scoffs.

“Itisthe only way to make it stop!”

“No!” Cape yells, his voice vibrating off the mirrors around us and he steps to me, putting his face in mine. “The only way to make it stop is tolive!To not swallow other peoples crimes. To learn from what you’ve been through, to get stronger, to make sure it never happens to you again. To get revenge, to kill those that ever made you want to die.”

I don’t flinch in his wake, at his raised voice or the anger radiating off of him.

“I am getting stronger,” I say. “And I’m never letting—”

“No.” He straightens and turns his back on me. “You won’t ever fight for yourself if you keep up this fascination of dying.”

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