Page 101 of Vicious Sentiments

“I don’t want to die.” I look at Julian but I can see it on his face that he doesn’t believe me. “I don’t but I can’t be afraid of it either.”

Cape reels around. “Yes, you do need to be afraid of it. It has to be the most terrifying thing on this planet. You have to be so petrified of dying that you would do anything to survive.” His eyes have gone distant and I realize what he’s saying, what he’s thinking.

Madison.

I look at the floor, embarrassed that I would even try to fight him on this. Here I am advocating for death when she’s dead.

“You’re right,” I concede.

He seems to come to, his eyes narrowing on me.

“You’re right about it all,” I continue. “There is something wrong with me.” My voice cracks admitting it. “But I’m trying. And everyday that I spend with you two—” I look to Julian to make sure he knows this. “—I get better. I just don’t know what to do with all this… thiswantto live. Because I do. I want to live, it’s just hard.”

Cape’s jaw tics as he studies me, as if he’s not sure he believes me but at least the rage has subsided.

Julian comes to me, wrapping his arms around me and resting his chin on my head. I bury my face against his chest and breathe him in, the scent of him, one of the things that makes me want to live and I make a promise to myself. I’ll do whatever it takes to survive for these two men.

“We’re still going to need a list,” Julian says.

Chapter Fifty-Three

Ihad spent the whole rest of the day in the workout room, even past when Julian had tapped out and then again the whole next day. I made it my mission to understand every self defense trick that Cape had shown me. I struggled with sit ups and pull ups and I killed myself working on my legs. Cape says that my legs are my strongest, that I should use them to my advantage, so I’ve run with that.

But I had been so focused on getting stronger that when I was just about to fall asleep, pinned between my two personal space heaters, I was shocked to hear that today was the day.

“Goodnight, Birthday Girl.” Julian’s lips grazed my ear, his voice filled with wicked promise.

All the worries that have plagued me about what Marney could have planned for my birthday were suddenly the last thing on my mind.

Now, I get ready in a daze, the only thing on my mind that I’m eighteen. Eighteen and legal and sexable.

I take a bath in the vanilla bubbles and add some drops of an oil that Julian picked out. I try to relax, take my time and calm my nerves but I find myself staring at the bubbles as they pop. One after another. I shave every inch of my body and nick myself once or twice because of my lack of focus.

When I get out, I put on one of the plush, expensive robes that hang in an offering on a bronze hook in the bathroom. I had been avoiding their call since being here because I didn’t want to sully them. But today I just can’t resist, feeling indulgent and in need of comfort. And boy does it bring comfort. I’m lost in its luxurious, fuzzy folds while I try to smooth the rich body butter on my skin. I feel like I’m in the montage part of a movie where I can’t get out of my head and the world moves in erratic motion around me.

I fumble with the sleek Dyson blow dryer that Marney put in my room for me. Without a clue what I’m doing, I whip it through my hair, this way and that, losing sight of what I’m doing and instead imagining being with two men. Both of them cradling my body with the promise of pleasure.

I’ve never been with two. And why shouldn’t I? I deserve it. Lord knows I’ve been sorely disappointed with one up until this point. The two of them will be like an ecstasy that I’ve been craving my whole life. And add to that it’s two men I love then—

What?

I freeze with the blow dryer blasting my face and gawk at my own reflection. Do I love Julian and Cape? A pair of brothers that are too old for me but somehow fill up parts of me I didn’t even know I needed?

I put down the blow dryer and sit on the edge of the bathtub. Why wouldn’t I love them? Julian literally saved my life. He picked me up and took me home to a woman who is the mother I’ve always wanted and to Marney who is like the little sister I’ve always needed to conspire with. To a home full of safety and nourishment. And he’s kind, in control of the temper that all men have.

Cape not so much, but at least his temper never lashes out at me. He used that temper, that flared in my honor, against my dad. He did what I couldn’t do for myself and is trying to make sure that Ican take care of myself in the future. He’s the firm hand that I never utilized for myself. And the way he looks at me, like I’m his… It’s the first time I’ve ever liked being looked at like that.

Yes, I love them and the realization makes me giddy.

I fiddle with the makeup that the lady from the store wrapped together for me. I’m not completely helpless. I know about concealers and mascara but I worry about going overboard. I apply a little bit of a few things and call it, surprised that Marney hasn’t made an appearance to do me up. But I would assume Margo is keeping her at bay.

Slipping into the dress is like dipping a toe in a hot tub. It’s a black velvet piece that ruches and folds around my breasts but dips in the center to show off my cleavage. I push away any qualms I might have about that, knowing that I’m going to be with Julian and Cape and I suspect that they wouldn’t even let another man look at me. The velvet fabric hugs my hips and reaches just past mid-thigh. It also has a slit on the right that shows off my bruise free high leg.

I’m a sight, that’s for sure. I’ve never felt more beautiful as I turn in the mirror, taking in how my hair has somehow turned out so silky. The haircut I got has grown out a bit and is giving it a more wispy look, and whatever gloss I slapped on my lips has a slight tingle that I think is making my lips bigger? And I just can’t get over my skin, how it looks wrapped in luxury and void of bruises.

The last thing I need to do is put on the heels. They taunt me from the edge of the closet like pointy blades that threaten to trip me, but I’m hoping whatever Marney set up involves more sitting than moving around.

Once I’m ready, I hold the stair rail for dear life as I make my descent, focusing on my feet so intently that when I take a breath in relief and straighten, I’m surprised to find everyone around the island, seemingly waiting on me.

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