Page 90 of We Three Kings

‘Because now I’m worried, wondering what this is. Us. Did you jump into this so you wouldn’t have to fire me? Was it out of guilt?’

‘Leo…’ I whisper, pained that he could be thinking that. ‘I like you. I really like you. The timing is awful but nothing changes how I feel about you.’ And it’s then my heart squeezes into a ball tightly as the look he gives me makes me think he doesn’t quite believe me. ‘Leo, please…’

He rubs at his temples, not really knowing what to do. ‘This just feels like we’ve blurred the lines here. Frank and Jasper are my mates too, so if you need to make a decision, I’d rather it’s fair. I don’t want to mess them about. I don’t want them to think badly of us.’

I sit there for a moment to take it all in, feeling awful that I was the one to blur those lines, to now be throwing Leo into this emotional turmoil too. But worse is watching him question my intentions towards him because this week has meant something, everything. There were sparks so bright, emotions so very real and I hope he can still see that.

‘Leo…’

His bottom lip quivers but he steadies himself on that airbed, desperately trying to avoid my gaze.

‘Maybe we put the brakes on this until all of that is out of the way then. Whatever this is…’ he tells me, taking a deep breath.

I can’t stop a tear from rolling down my cheek now and I try to wipe it away with a corner of the duvet, taking a long sip of tea to compose myself. He reaches a hand out and I place it in his. In the corner of my eye, I see a Mr Frosty on the windowsill and I’m reminded of the depths of Leo’s kindness and affection. This can’t be the end of what I have with Leo, it’s barely started.

‘I don’t know what to say, Leo. I’m sorry I never told you. I’m sorry you thought I was keeping secrets from you. I just didn’t say anything because…’

‘It was Christmas,’ he mumbles.

I study his face, trying to work him out, wondering what he’s thinking. Eyes that usually sang so bright now look confused and, achingly, incredibly hurt. I’ve hurt him. He took such a gamble on revealing his heart to me and I really feel like I’ve let him down. ‘I…I don’t know what…’

There’s a knock on the door and it suddenly opens, Sandy standing there with a tray of sandwiches. ‘Morning! I hope you don’t mind but thought I’d bring these to you. I did think Maggie’s on antibiotics, she needs something more than just a bit of chocolate.’

A lump in my throat forms to see her but she reads my eyes and the tension in the room instantly. ‘You alright, love? It’s not your hand is it? Is it getting better? I forgot to ask.’

I flex it up and down to put her mind to rest but I look at Leo, thinking of the words we’ve exchanged and how awful I feel. God, I’ve messed this up. In what had been a perfect few days with the most perfect man, I’ve messed up.

‘Oh no, it’s…umm… my friend down South has been taken ill.She texted me early this morning and I think I may need to leave early,’ I mutter.

Leo looks over at me instantly. I can’t read that look at all but he takes my hand and squeezes it tightly. If we are putting the brakes on this and being practical and rational about all of this, then I don’t think I can be here. I think it might hurt my heart a little too much.

My chest stutters with emotion to see Sandy’s crestfallen look. ‘Oh dear, that is a shame. How serious?’

‘They think it’s her appendix. She’s a good mate and I want to help her out with her kids and that. I feel awful. I really do.’

‘Well, if you both need to leave…I can wrap these up and we can?—’

‘No…’ I interrupt her. ‘Leo should stay. It’s family. I’ve already looked up trains. I don’t want to interfere with your plans.’

Leo can hardly bear to look at me. Before we went to sleep last night, he bundled me into his arms and told me it had been one of his favourite Christmas Days ever. Because of me. And now, all that emotion has been completely upended. I feel completely winded by it.

‘Well, let’s get you ready to go then. Are you OK, love? You look very tense. Is she a good friend?’ she asks.

‘Yeah.’

She puts her tray down and gives me a huge hug and I shudder in her embrace. ‘I am sure everything will be fine. Come on, Leo. Let her get changed and let’s make up a care package for her.’

She leaves and Leo and I both sit there on the floor of that room, neither of us quite sure what to say.

‘Are you sure?’ Leo asks quietly. ‘I didn’t mean like that. You don’t have to go…I just…’

‘I’m really sorry, Leo…’ I tell him. ‘I’ve loved every minute of being here. I really have. I’ve loved…’

But my lip quivers to talk anymore about how he makes me feel. I get up, his fingers brushing against my hand and I leave that small room, hoping no one is around in this house to see the tears streaming down my face.

PART 5

MAGGIE’S DECISION

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